The Dating Thread 61 - High Summer High Jinks 🍾🥂

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@Ilovelurchers

In
The
Bin

Yes! It is exactly a test!

@ElleintheWoods - I too had not heard of Bad Bunny but looked him up - I don’t see many of better looking himself in my supermarket! I’d be a bit old to hang around for him, but maybe shopping would just be a bit more pleasant if there was a fair selection of guys there! How’s it going otherwise?
@LenaFromTheNinetiesGood luck with the lawyer and the cousins’ visit.
@Ilovelurchers- looks like a full consensus on Mr Am Dram - the tetchy attitude over the wrong venue sticks out to me - photos, well to post to show bestie ‘hey someone likes me’? Maybe I’m cynical- I think though if you were really feeling it you would know you wanted a date. I ended up with Mr Situationship for a decade as I’d just give up on OLD and he was last one standing - flags ignored at my peril.
@Mildred007- could be end of World Cup - you have 3 weeks then to smash it pre footie season starting (told this, would never know it haha) - plenty of time! I also think the sun helps tbh. Mr Sport sounds promising- keep us updated.
@BellaBlackberry83- Mr Physics sounds just lovely - don’t assume you’ll get hurt - could you just enjoy for now as well? Tbh I find that very hard and wait out for ‘the fall’ but I’m trying hard not to this time and just enjoy whatever it is - as otherwise I get sharp and prickly as some sort of defence I guess and then that doesn’t help either.
@Nosdacariad- how you doing lovely? Hope it’s all getting easier and some irons are distracting?
And everyone- don’t forget that we are the prize!

Thanks @MsJinks I'm doing ok thanks.

Mr Boats wanted "friendship first" but when I said I wouldn't date him as he smokes but happy to be friends he got the hump.

Another iron went so sex two bars into our chat so blocked.

Another Mr Beered I said I was only available for friendship due to his iron name 🙂 seeing him at the weekend.

Burning with curiosity about planes but I don't want him back.

Nothing doing on Tinder/Hinge.

Exactly this @Ilovelurchers
It's a no from me - trust your gut, it's usually right x

@Mildred007 Glad to hear you have at least one decent match in Mr Sport!

@ilovelurchersMr Am Dram ironically sounds like way too much drama for a first date…

@Nosdacariad Thank you for the new thread! Sorry to hear like there have been a few dead ends for you lately. Great that you are getting plenty of matches at least!

The smoking should be recognised as a deal breaker nowadays - I smoke or vape so always put smoker on profile and recognise it cuts matches drastically, but thought of hiding it is a stupid one and if a drink date a painful one too.

I once met a couple on holiday for their one year together - he’d lied he didn’t smoke at the start and tried to contain it to in work from what I made out - they had a big row about it and he went got drunk and then sat on our adjoining balcony chain smoking a full packet - she came out with us that night - they made up then, but ultimately didn’t last. It’s the obliviousness of some to either assume it’s not an issue, or lie and be bad tempered and think you’ll not notice how often they are brushing your teeth 👀

Sex in chat prior to meeting is a no for me - just want to see goods pre purchase personally!

Mr Beered may be ok - some guys go pub for want of anything better - Mr T goes quite a bit but twice with me, so that’s ok lol and it’s always around quizzes and bands - and he’s still more than ok! Anyway it’s a date yay!

You are doing well with irons and so well plodding on post Plane crash - he’s still a knob and you’re still the prize 💗

Just catching up on messages from the last thread.

@@Ilovelurchers Thank you for your kind words. You are right that in a perfect world I wouldn’t be looking for clues he is dating others. I do suspect he’s either not seeing anyone else or seeing others much less frequently. And my hunch is that the idea of a relationship feels scary for him, even though we are basically in one. I am preparing to have another chat with him about exclusivity and approaching the conversation different way, but it will be a few more weeks away at least. I do hear you on not gambling more than I can afford to lose though.

@coolpattern That’s exactly it, the time we do have together is wonderful. I do think he has genuine feelings for me, and suspect if I disappeared he would be upset, even if he didn’t let on.

@Nosdacariad I worry for my heart too. Logic says it will likely be broken.

Thanks so much all of you for taking the time to share your thoughts, and I totally agree. There were so many red flags! Especially the best friend thing - so fucking weird to admit to it!

I also realised, looking back at the date, that I found out almost everything about him - details of his working life, his hobbies, his friends, kids, relationships dates - whereas he asked virtually.nothing about me and still knows very little about me. This seems to be a real pattern in my dates, to be honest.....

Plus, I just didn't fancy him! He wasn't repulsive, but there was no strong attraction at all, other than the fact he smelled quite nice.....

So, back to the drawing board. I will need to let him know. He kept asking me on the date if I would see him again (I hate that too, as it puts pressure on you to say yes at the time) and woke up to a load of messages from him - to be honest, even if I liked him it would feel a bit too much.....

It's just frustrating. I can't seem to even meet someone compatible enough to be worth a second date.....

BoxOfCats I wonder if he's scared of the term 'relationship'. Maybe if you could find a way to not label it, but also both agree to not see others, then he might be alright with that?

Regarding smoking. I've had sooo many stupid arguments with men about this.
There was the one who said 'I will only smoke in my car on the the way to dates'.
The one who said 'My ex didn't like smoking but once she met me she was willing to overlook it'.

And the one that I spoke about on one of these threads, I said something like 'Sorry but I don't like smoking. I wish you well' & he came back with a load of nasty abuse about how he 'Doesn't like my face' & that i'd be lucky to meet anybody anyway, & that basically I should accept him as I won't get any better.

He did end up apologizing after I told him that I now wouldn't date him, regardless of the smoking, as he has a nasty streak.

Honestly, writing all of these things down, you understand why I'm so quick to say 'Delete & block' because I didn't used to, & I'd end up with conversations like that.

@ilovelurchersyou’re doing the right thing and I agree with the feedback from others!

Not much happening at my end, as usual these days! I suggested some days to Mr Tall for meeting up but he kind of swerved that and talked about other things. We’ve exchanged a couple of messages this morning and I’ve asked him outright if he does want to meet up, as I’m getting the impression he doesn’t really want to 🤷🏼‍♀️ I’ve worded it nicer in the message than I would like to, haha! Really just want to tell him to man up and stop wasting my time!

Ilovelurchers My screen wasn't showing your response. Yeah, he does sound like a walking Red flag!
I only had a couple of second dates & never had a third, so it's not just you. Hugs.

Another red flag that I have just remembered, is that one of his three kids doesn't even speak to him - and guess who he holds responsible for this?

The mom! The mom who he even admits is a great mother, who he left in the vain hope of pursuing his BFF, who doesn't even fancy him.....

I think I may add "relationship and attitude towards their kids" as one of my essential pillars of dating compatability. Because it's a good sign of character, isn't it? Perhaps THE most important.

My daughter's dad phoned this morning and has offered to take us to the aquatics shop to help us stock our new fish tank when he drops her off ..... This is the sort of thing he does a lot, and I don't even have to suggest it. He is a great dad and, since I have been single, has made it clear he is available to help me with anything that needs doing in the flat that I can't do myself, or anything that requires driving to collect (as I don't drive), etc. I honestly don't think he is doing this to show off, or because he wants me back - he has a partner he seems happy with. I think he just sees it as part of his responsibility to his daughter as her dad, to make sure we have a nice place to live in and everything we need.....

And given that there ARE men like that in the world, adult men capable of honouring their responsibilities, what am I doing even thinking about dating some deadbeat who expects his daughter's mom, who HE walked out on, to sort out his relationship with his daughter for him? (Honestly, that level of entitlement just blows my mind ....)

Most take to lying about it tbh - the smoking.
Mr Not for Me graciously said it was ok I vaped - when I repointed it out prior to date as previously I’ve been on dates where they’d not even read my profile properly I think. Anyway he rocked up with actual fags and cheek to then say he was the perfect date as I said (at that point) I missed a fag after a meal!
I guess it’s better to go for a non smoker if you are trying to stop perhaps? But I’m probably making too many excuses for these guys! Stick to swipe left!

Definitely - it’s not a good look if they blame kids/mother for kids not talking to them.
Onwards and upwards!

Not OLD related, but years ago I had an ex who used to stop & had secretly started again. Apparently he'd managed it for a few months without me noticing, & guess how I found out... I opened the milk one day & it stank of smoke. I couldn't work it out, I went to him in confusion, thinking that if must have gone off or something, & he sheepishly admitted that he was smoking again & that he'd drank milk from the carton right after smoking, about 15 mins before.

Gross.

I really hope Tall gets back to you with a proper response to your dates question - you have been chatting to him for a while now, so it's perfectly reasonable that you should want to pin something down at this point.

Honestly, I do wish the ones just looking for penfriends would be honest about it. As there are women like that too - I have a friend who doesn't really have time for dating at the moment, as a single mom with work and major caring responsibilities - but she does sometimes use the apps to find blokes to chat to and enjoy a bit of flirting and make attention. Nothing at all wrong with that if it's what both parties are looking for....

But when we make it clear that we are actually looking for dates, I think it's annoying of the penpal guys to monopolise our time like that..... Plus, if we really like them, it's hard not to get at least a bit attached, even when we know we shouldn't....

On which note, I have l, against Gemini's strong advice and the advice of my pride and common sense, sent Mr Insurance a last message, saying that even though he ghosted me pre-date, I understand that things can come up or he may have been pursuing things with someone else, and I am still open to hearing from him if things change.

I know it's a bit desperate, but our compatability just seemed so strong compared to anyone else I have chatted to on there. (Suspiciously strong to be honest - Gemini suggested he might be a narcissist skilled at mirroring in order to draw people in. And she is 100000x as intelligent as me, so who knows, she may be right ....)

Anyway, I am 99% certain I won't hear anything from him, and that's OK - at least now I can leave it there, and know I have done everything I could.

My daughter is here with me constantly for the next two weeks with a couple of trips away planned and other stuff, so no time for dating and I think I will give swiping a break too - I reckon the break will clear my head, and I can come back to it with renewed energy and clarity in a fortnight!

Thanks all for your help. I know I have said it before, but this thread is an absolute sanity-saver at times....

And even though I am taking a break from swiping I am still planning to check in here! You are all so lovely and I am strongly invested in each and every one of you who hasn't already, finally finding a man who deserves you (if such a thing is even possible....)

Update from Mr Tall. He said he does want to meet and get to know me however he’s busy this week and won’t be free until the weekend or possibly next week.

I do like him and our chat started off really good, and was getting flirty. Loads of messages during the football matches too. He messages good morning and goodnight every day/night, asks about my day, what I have on etc etc. I just feel that the flirty banter has been stepped down (by him).

So I wonder, should I hold out with this one until he’s free? We’ve been messaging about 10 days so far. Thanks all!

@Ilovelurchers I don’t blame you for taking a break tbh. If it doesn’t work out with Mr Tall then I’ll be doing the same. This has been a solid 4 month slog for me and I’ve come across so much bad behaviour, love bombing, ghosting, lying, time wasting etc. You need MH of steel for this!

empirebiscuits12 Personally, I wouldn't, but it's completely your call. You are the one chatting to him.

In my experience, they keep you hanging on & then something else comes up & it turns into another week gone. Etc. When they don't actually want to meet at all.

Another thought, is he always this busy? Or is it a one off? Just thinking, if this is 'normal' for him, assuming that he's genuine, then will it always be 3 weeks between dates?

Ilovelurchers I agree with you. I've had times when I was on the 'Anybody message anybody' site & I had it on my profile, AND I stated it in every first message, that at this point in time I'm just chatting as friends. Men (in my experience) seem reluctant to be honest about this though.

Thank you. LOL at Planes crash 😅

It's not just you, I only got beyond second date with Planes and I ALWAYS know their bloody life story by the end.

Absolutely.

How does your fish shopping ex's new partner deal with his helpfulness?

I guess I'm wondering if you're SURE he doesn't want back together?

@Ilovelurchers enjoy your break 😘😘😘

@empirebiscuits12 it's not the delay that would bother me so much as the vaguery.

I wish everyone something beautiful to look forward to 💗💗💗