The Dating Thread 61 - High Summer High Jinks 🍾🥂

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@Ilovelurchers I think in four years of OLD dating, I went on second dates with five men in total. Longer term dated four of them, from between 1 month to 4, and then incl one - current - who ended up fully long term. Another one of the four turned out to be a lovebomber ghoster.

however, my friends said that I should have given more men second date chances! So who knows.

Interesting question. My response to this may make me sound awful, but as it was his affair with her that finally scuppered our marriage, I am less concerned with her feelings than I would be if it was anybody else at all!

This was about nine years ago, and since then he and she have been on an off - he has had other girlfriends at other times - and they have never lived together, and he doesn't really present it to me like a proper relationship somehow? But according to my daughter he is seeing her at the moment, so God knows what she feels about him helping me out. I wouldn't like it much in her position (but then I wouldn't have started an affair with a married man in the way she did....)

That sounds like I am blaming her for their affair, and I honestly am not - he was the one who had made me promises, not her. But as he is my daughter's dad it's in my daughter's interests that I maintain a good relationship with him I guess. If she lived with them and was in a step-mum type position I would also make some effort to be civil and even friendly to her I guess, but I don't mind admitting that I am kind of relieved not to be in that position!

Oh gosh - I would not be worrying about her either!

I guess it's irrelevant if he wants to get back with you - if he had an affair it would be impossible to trust him 💐

I think so too, sadly. It's a shame, because in many ways we were, and probably still are, compatible.

But in honesty I doubt he has it in him to be faithful long term to anyone..... I do think I was the love of his life in many ways & he was devastated when I left him and begged me not to. But however much he loved me, that wasn't enough to keep him loyal.....

Took me a lot of therapy to realise that wasn't my fault, or a comment on me as a wife. But I got there in the end.....😊

@NervesOfCotton Yes, those were my thoughts exactly. I think he takes the idea of a relationship quite seriously. It seems he’s only had a couple of them (he is 48) and the last ended 6 years ago. I notice he seems very committed to the people who are in his life more broadly and has quite a few close non-romantic relationships so it’s not that he’s incapable. But I do think the labels have been getting in the way of the conversation.

I hope that it works out. He seems so lovely when you tell us about him.

I’m not putting my dating front and centre at all this week. If anything develops on the fly, fine. Marcus the Lawyer has suggested drinks at a Mayfair Hotel, the sort that actually requires decent footwear and more. Time to deploy the champagne coloured slip dress? Am undecided over whether I want him to look at me and think, "she’s trouble, but she’s worth it" or lean into the innocent academic look.

My cousins are here now. Camogie is 18, waiting for A level results, seems to be going to Trinity College Dublin next and is so, so pretty. She is possibly working on being enigmatic. Titanic is 19, has finished a first year at Manchester doing something scientific, is a bit too wise for her age, and is mildly deflated over her hopes not really being realised. My Korean friend PMj had an odd date where she was asked to take on a role (might expand on that if I truly understand what she was asked, but I don’t think she does either). Caught up briefly with a male friend I used to run with who told me a couple of odd dating stories, so I know a little more from the other side.

@NervesOfCotton Thank you 💐

So much to catch up on! Hope everyone is ok.

Mr Hat continues to be lovely and I think he's imminently about to become Mr CleanShirt. He came round for dinner last night and he's just such a good bloke. I'm entirely myself around him which is rare for me early on!

Still haven't called things a day with Mr M tho 🫣 I'm going on holiday this week and hoping it'll just fizzle.

That is lovely, @CleanShirt. I know what you mean about being able to be yourself around someone. Mr Physics and I have not had the conversation about becoming official - I don't even know how that works in your 40s!

@MsJinks you are absolutely right about living in the moment, and not thinking too far ahead - I keep trying to bring myself back to that. I am having a wonderful time and Mr Physics keeps suggesting lovely date ideas. He is appropriate and consistent, and never leaves me in any doubt of how he feels without promising me the earth, because it is still such early days. I am lucky.

I have to remember as well that I met him after eleventy billion unsuccessful first dates, and I was deeply unexcited about the prospect of my first date with him - I even nearly cancelled as I wasn't really feeling up to it.

@empirebiscuits12 I would be very close to ditching Mr Tall. I hope he pulls through. Our time is too precious for time wasters.

@Nosdacariad it sounds like you are doing wonderfully in getting over Planes, whether it always feels like it or not!

As for the over sharing, I am a bit of one myself, but I always always ask about the other person and ensure they have an equal opportunity to speak. That is basic manners, isn't it? I do feel some people are not raised to understand how polite conversation works.

Also being a good dad is extremely attractive, and being a crap dad is an instant turn off.

@BellaBlackberry83 there's no BS with Mr Hat, it's something along the lines of 'how do you feel about being my girlfriend'... Whereas Mr M has led me on a merry song and dance for 3 months.

I've actually deleted the apps but had a sneak peek at his profile before I did... All updated with very recent pictures!

I agree with comments on men's relationships with their children. As soon as a man tells me he doesn't see his children I'm not interested. There's usually either a good reason for it (as in reason they're not allowed to see them) or they're just a crap parent & don't bother, yet in both scenarios the mother is usually blamed. Big red flag for me.

I've only been chatting to Mr Sport since Saturday but I'm already far too into him for someone I haven't even met, argh. Haven't heard from him since lunchtime and I need to hide my phone so I don't keep checking it. I'm such a wally lol.

@BellaBlackberry83 @CleanShirt @MsJinks so glad to hear things are going well for you all - gives us all a little bit of hope!!

Yay! So happy for you.

Good on Mr Hat 🎩🎩🎩

This is inspiring given the state I'm in so thank you 😘😘😘

Obviously your decision but he is beneath you, let him go 😁

That's you and me then!

Ah, you're doing amazing!! I hate admitting this but I'm friends with my ex from earlier this year & check his relationship status on social media far too regularly 🙄 Although I know he's still single as Hinge put us together as "most compatible - you should meet " the other day. Ashamed to admit I wondered if he'd contact me after that... he didn't lol.

I use my agony aunt ChatGPT to talk sense into me regularly lol

Asked to take on a role? That seems a bit strange to me, and I'd be wary unless it was something I actively wanted myself (if you see what I mean). But then maybe I have misunderstood - I am imagining it's a sex thing? But maybe my mind is just in the gutter.....

This is great news re. Mr Hat - feeling like yourself around him is a really good sign, in my experience!

Physics sounds great too!

It's really refreshing to hear of dates actually working out and leading to relationships - as currently I feel a bit like this is an impossible dream for me....

Thanks @Mildred007

No shame in that - I'm DYING to know updates on Planes' life but I blocked him on social media and the stuff he posts is not what I have questions about.

If Hinge put us together again I'd definitely message but I suspect he has blocked me so I couldn't see he had kept his account.

I really empathise with the phone checking thing, on the rare occasions I match with someone who genuinely interests me - it's human nature and nothing to be ashamed of - in fact I think it's a good sign that we still retain that capacity for optimisim!

@Ilovelurchers it feels like an impossible dream to me too.

Also @LenaFromTheNineties I took it as sex related roleplay like @Ilovelurchers did.

After spending time with DD and her dad fish shopping today, and after touching on that topic on here, I have been thinking - what do we all think is and isn't acceptable re boundaries with exes we co-parent with? And what would you and wouldn't you be comfortable with in this regard from a guy you were dating)in a relationship with?

Only one of my serious exes had kids -four grown up ones (he was quite a bit older than me - some of his kids were closer to my age than he was!). He was very close to the kids' mom and my daughter and I spent quite a few special occasions with him, her and their joint kids - we even all went away together once! I was fine with it for the most part - she had changed a lot I think through their long marriage and I definitely couldn't imagine them getting back together. It would have been more challenging if I had suspected him of any remaining feelings for her beyond friendship.

My daughter's dad and I get on pretty well now and since I have been single we have done occasional meals or trips out for daughter's birthday, things like that. (She seems to really enjoy it, and is definitely old enough not to be confused by it or anything). We don't ever meet up just the two of us - I can't imagine why we would - and our comms are largely about her - the odd friendly brief exchange about other things. But it's very much a friendly co-parenting relationship rather than a friendship, I feel.

I would probably be more concerned for his partner's feelings, as I said, if she hadn't been the cause of our breakup! But as it is I kinda feel she has to suck it up, really. (Sorry if that sounds awful).

It's a balance I think. I would be concerned about a man who was disrespectful about his coparent or couldn't be in her presence, even when the kids well-being required then to be. But equally to much enmeshment could be worrying I guess, as with any ex......