The Dating Thread 61 - High Summer High Jinks 🍾🥂

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Actually, and I know this is a controversial one, but I don't even think when there is cheating it's ALWAYS 100% blame on one side.

Funnily enough, my mom was asking me yesterday whether she thinks that, if DD's dad and I gave it another go, we could make it work this time.

And even though I am not saying I drove him to cheat - it's always a choice - I can definitely see how, over the years, I basically held him to impossibly high standards and didn't appreciate the good things about him enough. It's interesting that the woman he chose to cheat with, who he is still seeing now despite their massive incompatibilities, basically makes it clear she worships the ground he walks on, whatever he does.

I am not saying that is healthy either - but it's a balance, isn't it? I should have been in his corner more, I could have made him feel more loved..... I would definitely do things differently if I had that time again.

I suppose there is some admission of fault here (if you look for it carefully, like!). At least he didn't say "because they were all toxic cows who didn't UNDERSTAAAAND me!", which is what a lot of the guys I have recently first-dated have belated at me, in their lengthy, entirely unsolicited accounts of how unfairly other women have treated them......

@Ilovelurchers I actually agree with you, it’s a rough one because cheating is awful but I do think often it’s a symptom of the relationship being rocky anyway.

Although equally I’m sure some people just like the thrill of cheating.

@Ilovelurchers yes - agree - some slight admission of fault - but in a way that makes him look like he came out on top. And @Betsy95 - after the initial fury (which lasted about a minute, 😂) I was actually relieved when I found out my husband had cheated on me. Then I could ask for a divorce with a clear conscience - the only guilt I felt was for breaking up the family unit.

And @Nosdacariad I had a relationship with someone who had been married for 30 years - it took me a few months to realise he was emotionally abusive and I had a lucky escape after 7 months. His poor ex-wife.

@Ilovelurchers your ex could have done things differently too. I feel like cheating longer term is worse than a one off mistake, not sure what his was.

@Chocolatefreak I feel the same about Mrs Planes.

@Betsy95 good intentions are not enough really - he had a chance to show you actions x

The speed dating was cancelled! They didn't sell enough tickets. They had emailed but it must have gone to my trash.....

I stayed and had a drink with a guy who had also turned up mistakenly. He was gorgeous, and petty interesting, but I am not sure we are a match lifestyle wise. Swapped numbers though.

Shame it was cancelled but sounds like a result! Bravo!

You found the silver lining. You must be gorgeous 😘

Does anyone want to make the new thread?

Would you actively prefer someone else to do it? I feel like it should be you - you are so wise and kind - I would just get impostor syndrome....

But equally the responsibility shouldn't have to fall to you all the time if it feels like a bit of a pain to have to keep doing it.....

The thread is awesome, and I am honestly so grateful to you in particular, and also to everyone else who contributes. It makes OLD so much more bearable.

How can I refuse?! 😘😘😘

If I was wise I'd have swerved Planes and Beered 😁

New Thread here https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5567086-the-dating-thread-62-theyll-be-falling-for-you?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

So behind! But enjoying catching up - love this thread.

Re relationships- I can sign up for the twice divorced club - done and dusted before 30 though! If that’s not a red flag then idk what is - but 30 years on it doesn’t seem to matter much - we all have baggage.

Whilst my first marriage ended in a refuge, and I’m open about that with everyone - as it’s not a shameful thing and I want folk to know that - but not like first date of course! - but just saying that I ran away with a shrug when it does come up covers it without starting a long who was right or how awful he was etc. I do agree that there’s 2 sides always tbh - even with the refuge there was.

Mr T also goes with the 2 sides - filled his splits in over time but never blame gamed and I liked that.

Hope all are good - I heard some rain on skylights today but it stopped quick! Off to granddaughter birthday today - everyone remember we are the prize!

What an insightful, thought provoking reflection. Bravo 😘

Hope alls well everyone! Tried to catch up a bit but tricky to do so 🙈 ive been enjoying summer with the kids so not really had chance to browse til late and by then I am shattered and just go to bed!