DH not messaging me on stag weekend

[badbunnysadbunny]

DH is on a 3 day stag weekend. I’m home with DD aged 4 (autistic) and DD aged 1. I’m used to doing the parenting load but what bothers me is that DH hasn’t bothered to txt me since he left yesterday lunch time. No message to ask how me or the kids are.

The stag weekend isn’t an outrageous bender (apparently anyway). Just hiking in the day and pub in the evening

i know he’s alive and has signal as every couple of hours i can see he’s been on WhatsApp. I haven’t messaged him either . AIBU to have expected to hear from him? FWIW if never done an over night and the longest time he’s looked after the kids so I could do something was about 8 hours.

I generally think he’s not in love with me - thats a whole other thread, but based purely on this would you expect to hear from your DH?

He’s busy with his mates, kindly yabu.

Can you not let him enjoy his few days away? Why does he have to check in on you?! And why are you 'stalking' him on WhatsApp?

YABU to expect him to message you.

Yes my DP would have messaged and probably called me to say goodnight at least. I wouldnt be happy to have heard nothing at all. If you dont feel loved in general then obviously this would be another nail in coffin imo.

I don’t know, what are you like normally? Dh and I message every few hours wherever we are, but that’s how we’ve always been?

He's got a wife and a 4 year old. They would be very important to me, and I'd message and call to see how my family are. He can still hve fun with his mates.

All these people saying leave him to it . Would they be saying the same if it were the mother who had gone away without checking in on the kids no I think not ! I would have expected at least a message to say he’d got there and hope you and kids were ok . One text over the weekend would suffice but then that’s me it’s something I and my DH would do. It’s not like he’s a 20 something kid he’s a father of 2.

I haven’t messaged him either

Why are you playing games and getting yourself wound up?

Just message him and ask if he's having a nice time.

DH would contact me but he wouldn’t expect me to contact him. I don’t think this is a big deal. He is your husband, if you want something from him then you should tell him so he can do it rather than posting on MN.

All these people saying leave him to it . Would they be saying the same if it were the mother who had gone away without checking in on the kids no I think not !

You haven't explained why you 'think not'?

I think if a bloke were on here moaning that his wife hasn't messaged him to check in on the kids, he'd be accused of being a 'man child' and asked why he finds parenting his own kids such a chore.

And of course he'd be told to grow up when he points out that despite wanting to hear from his wife, he hasn't bothered to message her either.

My DH would probably be the same - although I don't think he would go on WhatsApp either, he'd see a stag as an opportunity to step away from tech. However it sounds like your relationship problems are more long standing than this situation.
Do you want to have time away from the DC? If you do, then obviously use this weekend as an example of how you deserve a night away.
Realistically, have a heart to heart with DH and find out if there are things you can both work on to improve your relationship.

You're not being unreasonable if thats how you feel. But lots of posters will say, hes with his mates, leave him be. That being said, my partner would always, always message me good morning and good night, at a minimum. There would likely be a phone call too. If this makes you unhappy..talk to him.

There's a bloke out there going "does my wife love me and trust me? I'm on a stag do and she hasn't even bothered to wish me good night. I was out late but expected to see one when I got in and I'd have sent one in response when I had time but now I just feel like she doesn't care".

Seriously. You don't get to complain if you don't make the effort yourself either. You are as bad as each other.

DH and I always say goodnight even if we are busy or in a different time zone. We always have. We don't expect a long conversation.

Same. My partner goes away often. I’ll get a phone call every morning and he’ll find some time during the evening to FaceTime his kids even just for a few minutes. It’s kind of what you do when you give a shit about your family. I understand they’re young, but does it not cross his mind his family might be missing him, even if he doesn’t really care about them?

DH would have messaged me to say he had arrived. Then would try and talk to me/Dc at some point. Also send a photo on part of the walk

I would not text (if I were away) and would not expect to be texted (if I were at home).

People are allowed to have a few days where they are some other side of themselves.

If that makes you feel envious, you should do the same.

dh Would message and call and video us everyday. Surely that is normal. He can’t find 5 minutes to call his family? Pathetic how low the bar is for some people. Why would taking 5 minutes to speak to your family be any sort of issue?
unless you feel like your family is a burden and this is your opportunity to be free, then you wouldn’t bother.

Turn this round OP. Message him and ask him if he’s having a good time.

I haven’t messaged him either

So your just playing the “I’m not going 1st game “, and blaming him for not going 1st

While I don't disagree that the OP could message her husband, I think the person looking after 2 small children should have less responsibility to instigate the chat than the one on a jolly.

And if he is really entertaining the thought process outlined in your post, I'd suggest that he stops navel gazing and reviews his expectations given that his wife has taken one for the team by doing childcare to facilitate his social life.

It's not a competition.

I don't think it matters who instigates. It's the ridiculousness of going "I've had no message and it really bothers me and then not messaging that bugs me".

So out of sight out of mind then?
He can still enjoy himself with his pals AND spare a thought for his life partner and his children can't he?
Absolutely unbelievable the number of pp who think family and partners should become non existent when a guy is with his pals.

My husband would message me to check in and let me know all is okay, and he'd message DD13 to say night and check in she's had a good day.

But if we hadn't heard from him, we would message him before bed, knowing he'll see it when he's free.

There’s no right or wrong on this. It’s for every couple to set their own expectations for contact when not together and there is a huge variety in what people do. There’s obviously a mismatch in your relationship which you need to resolve.

What’s he like otherwise? Is this the only reason you feel he’s not in love with you or are there other things?

a spectrum of views! Thanks for all replies. For those saying he might be waiting for me to message - I would bet our mortgage he doesn’t care that I haven’t messaged. And to those that think I’m being childish - I agree!

thanks again

When my husband and I go away, we always don't message because that's the point of going away