DH not messaging me on stag weekend

[badbunnysadbunny]

DH is on a 3 day stag weekend. I’m home with DD aged 4 (autistic) and DD aged 1. I’m used to doing the parenting load but what bothers me is that DH hasn’t bothered to txt me since he left yesterday lunch time. No message to ask how me or the kids are.

The stag weekend isn’t an outrageous bender (apparently anyway). Just hiking in the day and pub in the evening

i know he’s alive and has signal as every couple of hours i can see he’s been on WhatsApp. I haven’t messaged him either . AIBU to have expected to hear from him? FWIW if never done an over night and the longest time he’s looked after the kids so I could do something was about 8 hours.

I generally think he’s not in love with me - thats a whole other thread, but based purely on this would you expect to hear from your DH?

It’s clearly not ‘automatic’ because OP has posted to say that there are other problems in their relationship. When a married couple is suffering from issues and two kids deep, it’s imperative to put in the work of repairing damage, and those reparations include demonstrating to your partner that you are prioritising them.

Give me strength, this forum is so dense sometimes.

I would place myself in the middle of these - send the odd message to say hi or to share something funny/interesting that had happened but that would be if

Depends how often he messages normally. Dh and I exchange maybe 4/5?- day so if I didn’t hear from him if he went away I’d be hurt and annoyed tbh

I wouldn't have heard from mine, and that wouldn't bother me. But that's normal for us.
If it feels off to you then it is.

How do you mean “ what’s the point in being away “ ??? 🙄.
Ffs everyone checks in at some point, especially when you have kids .

It is 'constant contact' - why are people so insecure that they need to be told they are loved every day, and surely if something had happened he would have been told? People used to go away for a few days years ago and weren't heard from until they returned, it's a very modern thing to be constantly messaging.

I’m wondering this to or is it because then she will be constantly checking to see if it’s read, has he been on WhatsApp but ignored it. Has he read it and not replied. Then she will feel even worse and more worried with days to go still.

What does the fact that your daughter has autism have to do with your DH not texting you?

But he’s checking WhatsApp every few hours. He has time to write - how are you and the kids? / love you/ miss you all

Bc it will be more of a struggle for her looking after both kids while her husband is away ask the last eh can do is check in with a brief message to let her know he’s thinking about them while he’s away on a jolly! The most he’s ever done is 8 hours!

OP, I’d look to booking a weekend away or better yet 3 day like he has so he can understand what looking after his own children involves and to give yourself a deserved break.

You need to familiarise yourself with the definition of ‘constant’.

You also need to familiarise yourself with OP’s updates where she explains they are having marital issues. And yes, I’d definitely argue it’s pretty crucial to feel loved every day when your marriage is suffering.

Because solo parenting a child with a disability is significantly difficult, I expect?

Dh can be a bit out of sight out of mind whereas I tend to get a bit soppy when I’m drunk so he gets messages from me telling him how much I love him.
He would let me know he’d arrived though and answer if I messaged him. And id get a text next morning asking how things was.
I wonder what your dh would say if you went away overnight and didn’t message. Would he likely message you to ask questions/ let you know kids are missing you?

What is this obsession with men on stag weekends having to get in touch with their wives? Give them a break - they’re off with their mates on a weekend that will almost inevitably be boozy, and they won’t be thinking of home. It’s not that your DH doesn’t love or care about you and the DC, simply that he’s caught up in events with his mates. Just give him a break - it’s a weekend, not a fortnight.

Lots of cool girls with low bars on this thread...

My DP would never not contact me. WE are away from each other a lot and always in constant communication. Little updates or just some 'xxx' if not much time to text/talk but want the other person to know they are in our thoughts.

Oh for heaven's sake, the whole "cool girl" thing is tedious. Some people just have different needs and expectations. Which is totally fine.

If I'm away, I'm away. I don't want a running commentary from home. My DH is a perfectly capable parent and can be trusted to get on with it for a couple of days. And he wants me to go enjoy self in peace. If others have different ideas and want that check in, fine for them. But don't be so dismissive of other perspectives.

I find the variety of comments on this post quite interesting.

That being said...me and DP message on and off throughout the day, sometimes about life in general (can you pick up some cat food on way home please) he will let me know about work as his working hours can change quite a lot, if hes out early in the morning he voice notes to see if we slept well/how the girls are etc, we also send a heart or a funny/loving gif every now and then.....

its not at all intrusive doing these little things, it doesnt mean we cant focus on our work (both very busy jobs) it doesnt mean im not focusing on the kids etc, but what it does mean is that we both show each other we care and we are thinking of them.

I cannot imagine a world where I go away for three days and do not speak to him or my children and visa versa. It doesnt need to be long, it can 20 seconds.

The bar some people have for effort and thought in a relationship is crazy I am glad I found my person and he actually likes investing in our relationship and showing he cares, no matter where he is or what he is doing.

What did you agree before he went away ? What is your usual way of comms when ge hoes away

we usually do a video for the kids , but it depends on on wifi

What is a 10 second message saying "miss you xxx" or "love you xxx"

Why cant someone do this if out eith their mates?! Forget cool cool girls sounds like theres too many "cool men" who dont like giving their partners a second thought if with their mates drinking 🙄

I put my partner first, he puts me first. I wouldnt be annoyed if I was at a spa and he messaged, id be happy to hear from him, likewise if he is out with his mates he will be happy to hear from me.

It does make me wonder what type of communication people are having then?!
If you are in a loving committed relationship who wouldnt be happy to read "I love you, hope your having a good time" flash up on their phone?!
Who wouldnr be smiling as they sent that message?! Its a blessing to have someone to love and have them love you back....

Baffles me why people want to escape this kind of comminucatuom for a weekend and not talk to be honest. I think it says a lot about the relationship

DH and I would message to say we'd landed & checked in, perhaps a photo during the day if there was a nice view, and either a quick call or just a 'goodnight Mommy/daddy' video from the kids at bedtime.
Low pressure, very much concentrating on friends but it would be odd not to make contact at some point in the day, particularly when our children were as young as yours.

I would say message him 'Hows it going?' but it sounds like him ignoring that would be more hurtful than the current silence.

A marriage where you don't feel loved is very lonely, it's not good for the kids and it's not sustainable. Are you going to use this as a turning point to address the real problem?

To me, part of being in a relationship is feeling loved and supported. Having the comfort of companionship as well. Of course if one of us is away and super busy then communication dwindles a bit but never to nothing.

Who is he messaging on WhatsApp if not his wife and his mates are with him?

Yes my DP would have messaged, sent some photos, asked how the dogs were.

But then I wouldn't be sat there waiting for him to message either. I would think nothing of messaging him and asking him 'how was the walk', or sending him a pic of the dogs doing something cute.

Which he would reply to.

Once you get to this 'he not messaging me and i'm not messaging him' stage, honestly OP I think a serious talk and counselling needs to happen if you want to fix it.

When I go away for a weekend I wouldn't text to check in, obviously I'd respond to texts or message if there was something important - but we're not really constant texters in general.

We don’t have kids and we don’t constantly text each other when at work etc but i would expect a checking in text, maybe at the end of the day or in the morning before the hike. But that’s our relationship. All are different.