DH not messaging me on stag weekend

[badbunnysadbunny]

DH is on a 3 day stag weekend. I’m home with DD aged 4 (autistic) and DD aged 1. I’m used to doing the parenting load but what bothers me is that DH hasn’t bothered to txt me since he left yesterday lunch time. No message to ask how me or the kids are.

The stag weekend isn’t an outrageous bender (apparently anyway). Just hiking in the day and pub in the evening

i know he’s alive and has signal as every couple of hours i can see he’s been on WhatsApp. I haven’t messaged him either . AIBU to have expected to hear from him? FWIW if never done an over night and the longest time he’s looked after the kids so I could do something was about 8 hours.

I generally think he’s not in love with me - thats a whole other thread, but based purely on this would you expect to hear from your DH?

Did I say that? Or did I say the tone of some of the replies that have a bit of self righteousness about them come across as “cool girls”.

You'd be confused if your husband messaged you while on a stag?!

The bar is so low!!

Why wouldnt you want to be told you are loved every day?!

We dont live in that time anymore, we live in a time where you can get in touch with people easily and let them know you are missing them and thinking of them.

Why do we have to live as if we arent?!

There is a big difference between a 10 second typed message or voice note saying "i love you, cant wait to see you"
To either a) ignoring someone
Or b) messaging every 10 minutes.

It doesnt need to be an extreme

OP, I wouldn't expect much contact from my DH when away and sometimes he FaceTimes more depending on WiFi and schedules. I tend not to message him unless important as I want him to have a good time and I would rather he focussed on his holiday than messaged me. If I wanted to know if he was okay as I was worried I would send a message.

However, you don't sound happy or secure in your relationship. I would suggest you talk to him about this once he has returned and see if there is any way to compromise and get more of what you want from the relationship.

He has children, of course he should be messaging or ringing his wife!

Why? I'm sure if there was a problem, his wife would call him. He doesn't need to be asking her if they're alive every day. Surely the default assumption is that they're perfectly fine?

Why wouldnt you want to be told you are loved every day?!

I mean, nobody hates being told they're loved, but I don't need to be told every day. It's not like I don't already know my DP loves me.

I'd certainly rather he told me because he's actually thinking it, rather than just because it's considered part of the daily routine that he has to mention it.

I'd say that my DP and I actually tell each other fairly often. But if one of us goes away for a couple of days, I'm certainly not sitting there feeling sad if nobody's said the L-word for 48 hours. I don't think I've ever in my life thought 'Hmmm, nearly midnight and he hasn't hit his daily 'I love you' quota yet.'

You did. In your first post your opening words were "The cool girls are out in force".

I don’t think it’s so much about being a “cool girl” for some of us it’s about realising we all need a break from daily life sometimes. So I would maybe send my DH a quick pic of DS playing or whatever, and he would message on occasion to check in but I wouldn’t expect loads of messages or be sending regular updates, I can look forward to doing that when he gets home and we catch up! It’s good to have a couple of days apart and chance to miss each other from time to time, especially now when usually constantly in touch with WhatsApp.

I 💯 agree this thing of being messsged every day to be told “ I love you , I miss you “ , when you’re away for a couple of days , well tbh I think it’s kind of ridiculous .
You tell someone in the moment or whatever .

However, I do feel you check in when you’re away .
I don’t mean message after message, but hello at the same time .

Why all this needing contact? When ours were young he went away for weekends/two or three weeks at a time with the Armed Services as a volunteer. There were no mobiles at that time, so no contact. I did have an emergency number, but that was it For Emergencies only, not chit chat.

He's having a break from reality
Make sure you do the same for a whole weekend.
I hike a lot and barely look at my phone all weekend

It’s not everyone just has their own things. It’s so much fun to not all be the same

I dont NEED it either.

Its freely given on both sides.....
He usually wakes up first, gives me a kiss as he gets out of bed and says I love you.

Whoever leaves the house first says I love you (to the kids too) have a good day

Later on usually around lunch when we have a few minutes to ourselves one of us will message with something like hows your day going, love you lots etc

If theres a phoncall it ends with i love you....the kids do it too....

At the end of the night when we say goodnight we say i love you 🤷‍♀️ its not planned in, its not rigid its said aa its felt....

Just like "thank you" "I appreciate you" "you look gorgeous" etc we say it as we feel it 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I think that, ultimately, this thread really stands to demonstrate how different every relationship is. I think it’s a shame people can’t recognise that relationships are all different without being sniffy and snarky about it. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong IF both parties are happy with the level of communication but it seems you aren’t op, and that’s fair enough.
Personally DH and I do message a fair bit, he misses me and the children when he’s away and he likes to check in, plus we both like to tell the other what we’re up to. It wouldn’t be for some people but it works for us. I can’t imagine him going away and not messaging at all.
I think the issue is that your relationship isn’t a happy one generally op and so this is seen as an example of that.

@badbunnysadbunny hope you are ok. There have been some very unsupportive responses on this thread but equally there are some understanding ones.
I presume he is back now and didn't make any contact while he was away. As you alluded to other issues, possibly time to sit him down and discuss where you are at in your relationship. Good luck.

I don't think he needs to be on the phone telling kids bed time stories but a message saying he's arrived, one saying he's survived the hike and one the morning after night out, no reason to be away with friends and constantly on phone back home that's annoying to others, but a message takes a few minutes and be read and responded to as and when

I think you last paragraph on your first post explains it all, he sounds like he’s checked out sorry

When away from each other we send one msg, it will just be a word such as arrived. That’s it then one when we re leaving it’s leaving and eta of whatever time. You wouldn’t like me op I went to America for 2 weeks once and my ex was very upset I didn’t get in touch, this was pre mobile phone days and internet. So required an actual phone call I just remember thinking he was too needy.

But I have no worries about DH feelings, what’s the issue with your relationship because that’s the crux of it. It wouldn’t bother me but I’m sorry you are upset.