DH not messaging me on stag weekend

[badbunnysadbunny]

DH is on a 3 day stag weekend. I’m home with DD aged 4 (autistic) and DD aged 1. I’m used to doing the parenting load but what bothers me is that DH hasn’t bothered to txt me since he left yesterday lunch time. No message to ask how me or the kids are.

The stag weekend isn’t an outrageous bender (apparently anyway). Just hiking in the day and pub in the evening

i know he’s alive and has signal as every couple of hours i can see he’s been on WhatsApp. I haven’t messaged him either . AIBU to have expected to hear from him? FWIW if never done an over night and the longest time he’s looked after the kids so I could do something was about 8 hours.

I generally think he’s not in love with me - thats a whole other thread, but based purely on this would you expect to hear from your DH?

Absolutely normal I’d say

I think it’s odd he hasn’t messaged. If he’s off hiking I would just imagine he’s out of signal.

I would probably just message him tbh. Nothing snarky though.

By all means text to say ‘hope you are having a good time’ or ‘goodnight’.

Let him be away and enjoy himself by all means.

When he gets back you can do exactly the same.

Why?

The main thing that struck me from your post? You said you ‘are used to doing the parenting load’.

It shouldn’t be that way. Although I know you are telling the truth because if he knew anything about what you do daily, he would have been decent enough to ask how you all are. Even if it is only once.

He’s away on a stag - he’s not on the moon or in a war zone. Although I believe folk manage to check in from those places…

DH and I quite often only message each other every 2 or 3 days when one of us is away, but our kids are much older now.

If I’d left him home alone with two small children I’d message to see how he’s doing, and show gratitude, and he would do the same if the situation was reversed.

Also, we do both love and trust each other, which I think makes a big difference.

It is common courtesy to let family know you have arrived somewhere, and he hasn't even done that.

The cool girls are out in force. Yes I would expect OH to at least text and check in with two small kids. To be honest, he wouldn’t be comfortable not speaking to the kids for multiple days and would miss them.

Maybe it's time for HER to get a few days away for a change? And therein lies the real issue.

My husband would ring me but he's a big phone person, loves ringing annoying people all day!
but if I think of my MIL, she goes on holiday all the time without FIL and she never messages him, they are just secure and don't feel the need to. Also my sister goes away without her long term partner and hardly ever rings or messages him, she gets annoyed if she's with a friend on holiday and they spend their time on the phone to their partner at home.
So it all depends on the couple and nothing is right or wrong.

I’ve just been away for the weekend to Ibiza with a friend for my birthday and didn’t message home other than to say we’d landed.

I also don’t expect DH to message when he’s away.
sometimes I’ll send him a pic of the kids if they’ve been particularly cute or funny but don’t expect a response

Why would he message you when he's only away for a weekend? He's enjoying himself.
He doesn't need to ask how the kids are because, of course, they're fine - why wouldn't they be?

I'm sure you would let him know if there was an emergency, otherwise just let him enjoy his break.

We operate on “no news is good news” but usually at least text to say we’ve arrived safely.

I would quite agree with this!

Yes, it’s rude. Dh and I both go away solo loads. But I’ve never gone 24 hours without checking that he and the kids were alive, not even on a 24 hour flight to Australia. I got to Hong Kong and sent him a message to see how he and dd were.

Being constantly messaging, no, that wouldn’t be inappropriate. But Dh has been away on/organised loads of stag dos and I’ve always at least heard from him once a day or so.

I wouldn’t need to be exchanging messages with my DP if one of us was away for a weekend, especially if it was with a group of other people. We might text each other a bit if one of us is away alone, but rarely if it’s with a group.

I wouldn't expect my DH to message if he's away with his friends - I don't message him if I go away for a weekend either! I'm busy catching up with my friends, I expect your DH is too. Some couples might do it but we never have and we've been happily married for 36 years. We value our own space! DH has actually gone to a stag with a couple of our grown up sons today and I'm very much enjoying having the house to myself, eating crap and binge watching true crime 😁

dh Would message and call and video us everyday. Surely that is normal.

Message, call AND video every day? I doubt that's normal.

You can still do all that plus send a text to say you’ve arrived.

I think it’s rude and I’d be a bit pissed off. Although tbf my husband just wouldn’t do it.

I don’t need minute by minute updates and we don’t tend to message each other very much at all when apart (never call!) but just a quick WhatsApp to say arrived, are the kids ok?
Takes 5 secs - easy peasy.

No, I wouldn’t expect it. Maybe a text one of the evenings but that would depend upon what time they leave the pub.

It's one thing not checking in with you OP, but I can't get my head round him not checking on the dc. I was never the most maternal of mothers, but I wouldn't dream of not checking that the kids are ok.

I guess my logic is that it take 20 seconds whilst sat on the toilet doing a shit to type “hi hope you and the kids are ok 👍”

But yes I think not messaging on a stag is the least of our problems

I wouldn’t expect it. But I have a happy marriage and it’s just our approach. Your situation is different. If you generally think he doesn’t love you, and have reasons you feel that way, then you probably have your answer: he hasn’t messaged because he’s glad to be away from all of you for a few days and would rather focus on what he’s doing, because he knows you’re fine as you’d have been in touch if something wasn’t fine, so it would just be theatre anyway. I’d use the space whilst he’s away to think how you’re going to address your marriage having run its course and what you need to do next.

Obviously this is part of a wider issue OP. But under "normal" circumstances I might expect a quick call to say he'd arrived safely and that would be it. As for face timing the kids, I don't think it hurts children to know that parents sometimes have separate lives. It is only three days after all, not 2 weeks. As for whether he's really going on bucolic country hikes and discussing the merits of real ale in the evening, well that's another matter.

Your insecurity is more than likely influenced by other issues in your relationship. You have said that you don't think he loves you and his lack of contact is reinforcing that belief. Understandable under those circumstances why you are asking the question.
Perhaps some further info as to what has led you to think that?

DH and I are apart several times a year, both for work and social events, we text at least once a day (more if we’re in compatible time zones), we speak most days.

Not long, romantic chats, just things like “arrived at the hotel, 24th floor, look at this view”… or “how’s DD, did the cat come in ok?”…

For me, that’s normal. It doesn’t distract or disturb what we’re doing, but our home life doesn’t cease to exist just because one of us isn’t home.

My DH wouldn’t spend three days away being pissed