Feeling hopeless about finding a partner in my late forties

[dapplepot]

I am 47 and just so sad that I can't seem to find a nice man who wants to be with me. I've already been though the mill with men who are happy to use me for sex or as a placeholder or a therapist while they get over the woman they really loved or men who see my home and savings as a way to fund their own lifestyle but an actual partner is so much harder to find. My latest stint on apps shows me my admirers are young lads looking to fulfil an older woman fantasy and much older men close to my fathers age who seem to think I'll be jumping at the chance to date a pensioner. Sorry I don't mean to sound unkind but like most women I just want a guy roughly my own age and stage of life.

I look at other women I know and most of them do have loving partners who obviously adore them who share the load of life with them and are there for fun things like holidays, meals out and just spending time together at home. I can't help but wonder what's wrong with me? Why am I the one on the shelf, the one nobody decent wanted? I know I shouldn't but I do compare myself to other women and I don't think I am any worse looking or less likeable than them so why haven't I found anyone? The only thing I can think of is that I didn't really date in my 20's I was busy with work, family and friends in that time, travelling and having a great time and only really seriously started thinking of dating when I turned 30 but it seems that by then most of the good men had been snapped up and now older single women are all left sifting though other women's rejects and trying to find the very rare good man who still becomes available. It doesn't help that the few good men I do know who have become single (mostly family so not men I'd date) have all ended up with significantly younger women. I think I am still attractive but I am ageing quite noticeably now so how can I compete if men worth having will usually go younger if they can?

I also feel like I can't face going back into it again at this stage, its all too humiliating but at the same time I do really want a partner and it does feel like time is against me.

Hey, I’m so sorry to hear this.
I’m 90% sure I want to leave my husband so in some ways I envy your freedom and independence.
have you ever been married? Kids?

I think in this instance you should join a club of some sort where other like minded men will be.

I.e tennis, local theatre, running clubs etc. It's a natural way to get to know someone and can progress into something.

@Sleighmyname86 No never married and no kids sadly. I would say if you leave your husband do so in the realisation that a new great partners isn't guaranteed or even very likely at all.

@StoptheworldIneedtogetoff I do most of that already and will do so but no luck so far.

A lot of men want younger models as you say. Unless you like men old enough to be your dad then that's out. Those of your own age usually go for the richest and prettiest plus have ideas way above their station unless they are a huge catch.
Then they all seem to be hungry for sex after all and want you available at the drop of a hat.
Personally once my son leaves home am going for a dog as a companion as am happy to not need a bloke. My days are done with relationships! Such a pity that it won't be for another crippling 5 years!
I wish you luck finding. How about mixing with men as friends in a social group setting?

When my first marriage ended at 45, I experienced the very same as you in the dating world. Very upsetting and frustrating. Yes, it's like digging through tons of sand to find the treasure. It is like taking on a part-time job with all the work you have to do nowadays in the dating scene. You have to use all the tools in a toolbox, not just one like OLD.

Do look into Meetup.com groups to see which ones interest you in your area. Some are open to everyone and some are geared for singles in a particular age range. Ideas: Take lessons in dance, cooking, art. Volunteer at a zoo, museum, community theatre, environmental cleanup groups. Go to local concerts whether big or small. People having fun at those events tend to chat with other attendees.

You have to keep putting yourself out into the world. No known timeline, of course, of when or if you will meet a keeper. But at least you can be having fun with those activities in the meantime. I did many of those things but eventually did meet my 2nd husband on OLD.

Take care.

I was single for 10 years, only six dates in all that time, after a 10-yr relationship broke down when I was 36. I met my current wonderful partner when I was 48, they were 50. We've just passed the six-year marker. I don't understand why they had been single for six years, they don't understand why I had been single for ten years. But we're proof it can happen.

Incidentally my three relationships have all been found via mutual shared interests. Apps were hideous.

I agree, get yourself out there meeting new people, male and female, of similar ages, and try to build friendships, both male and female.

Doing the same thing over and over again (i.e. dating apps) is indeed insanity as you're always going to find the "same kind" of person matching with you. It hasn't worked for you, so don't keep doing the same thing.

There are lots of men out there who aren't on the dating apps, aren't trying to meet women in pubs, and aren't out there chatting up random women playing the numbers game. You need to find those men - the quieter ones, the less confident ones, etc - make friends with them and then a relationship may start organically - they're the kind of men who aren't going to make the first move, so sometimes, you have to be friends first, to kind of "drift" together.

My DH is one of them. He's literally never asked anyone out on a date (not in his teens, not in his 20's, not even me!), never had another girlfriend, never gone out with anyone else. He'd never go on a dating app, never try to meet women in a pub, nor chat up a random women. It was "painful" getting together as he was so shy and lacking in confidence, but we became friends through voluntary work and kind of "drifted" together over several months and started going places together and doing things together. Once he got over himself, he was a good boyfriend, good fiance and now been a good husband for 30 years!

They are out there, but you need to put yourself in a place where you'll meet them, and then you need to be assertive rather than sit back and wait for them to make a move.

I came off the dating merry go round 10 years ago as all the men seemed to be exactly as you described. I’ve been (mostly) happily single ever since as the pressure on myself was lifted.

The advice is always to join a local club and try and make friends rather than see men as potential partners. I’m planning on doing this now that I’m an empty nester and my kids have left home.

Live the life you want to live.
@ScorpionLioness79 has some really good pointers. I like doing things for myself and balancing that with community volunteer work.

I have found that the single women who have found partners are the most sociable ones. They went out an awful lot and generally got stuck in and that way by not relying on random men on dating sites they broadened their options. HTH.

Try to keep your options open. Writing off an age range might be a mistake. Pointing out that many younger women have gone for men your age could highlight they have done it for a reason. My mother always says "Better to be an old man's darling, than a young man's slave" Mind you, my DDad is only 10 years older than her.
Some older men can be gorgeous- don't know your type, so to cover a range look at Lenny Kravitz, Rob Lowe or Cesar Evora, all over 60, as examples.

Sorry to hear how you feel. As you are older, are you happy to date men with adult children? Some say men are better partners second time around. Many middle aged men go fishing so that's a sport you could try. Maybe put an ad for ironing shirts, you would attract corporate guys. How about widowers? They maybe might be a safe choice. But Seriously, you seem to have a nice life and a man could just bring a whole lot of problems that you dont need.

I completely understand.
I'm 40, and I'm now single. I've tried Facebook dating but seems to attract -
Young lads,
Old pensioners,
Blokes just after sex,
Blokes who have fat fetishes.

I'm decent looking, I do carry extra weight, but I'm a nice person.
I just want someone to go to places. Like the beach, cinema etc, and just someone to spend time with.
My last boyfriend didn't want to do anything and wouldnt change his routine at all. The one before that just basically used me and I was a secret.

I give up.

Haven't really got a lot of advice OP, I could have written most of your post myself. Dating as a middle aged woman is a dire experience.

So many men out there with trauma, emotional baggage, substance misuse, debt. All not sure what the Hell they actually want except sex, your savings and your free therapy.

Just out of interest, why do you have to wait for your son to leave home to get a dog as a companion?

Unless your destiny is to be single, I don't see why not you can find someone decent. That means looking on all possible channels, making clear you like to be coupled and are actively single.

I really recommend reading The unexpected joy of being single. It was super helpful for me in identifying where I was going wrong in my choices and therefore why they were leading me to men who were rubbish. I’d really decided to embrace being single when I met my now husband - he was a casual evening out. But knowing myself better and asking different questions has been the cornerstone to our success.

Learn to know and love yourself. Then if you find someone amazing it’s a bonus. But you are amazing all on your own.

amzn.eu/d/0azovuhZ

Are you in work? Any prospects there? I know a few people who met their partners through their job (colleagues).
It sounds like you are already involved in hobby groups but are there new ones you could try? Meeting someone based on a shared interest is probably the way to go.
Volunteering is also a good shout. Local charity? Or what about getting involved in your local community development group, most areas have one I’m sure.
I’m married but my sister is a similar age to you and divorced and she has had similar experiences with dating apps. But she did meet a few decent enough guys, there just wasn’t a spark or minor issues meant they didn’t work out, Nothing horrendously wrong them them men themselves. It might be worth keeping that on the back burner.

An ex boyfriend of mine has just coupled up with another friend of mine. She is 74 and he is 71. He is moving to France in the autumn. It's NEVER too late. One good suggestion on here is to join clubs rather than dating sites. Looking for love can be stressful but making new friends is a lovely thing to do - and you just never know!

Respectfully, you come across a little desperate and this most likely shows and can be a part of the problem, you may be attracting the wrong people.
You need to live for yourself, love yourself, respect yourself and always put yourself first (this has nothing to do with being selfish).
You can't base your happiness on other people. People come and go, (not always willingly of course) but if you base your life on other people your world will fall apart if they leave.
Happiness and fulfilment has to come from within.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, not one thing. You are clearly very smart, you put yourself in the position where you own a property and have savings, you can take care of yourself and you don't rely on another person to look after you or to make things happen for you. It should be the same in other aspects of your life.

I'm the same. I'm very outgoing, have a myraid of hobbies and such like and all I attract are losers.

I need to move out of the area I live, it's terrible. I have been all over the world, but it's always been the same.

I have a lot of friends too.

I hear you!
childhood bride here, divorced after 25 years at 44. Spent 6 years on dating apps experiencing everything that you describe.
Keep going- you are worth it - you will cut through the dross and the players- you will find your lobster- your happy ever after.
Hang in there
Happily remarried now in my 60s

I genuinely thought you were going to say "So, he'll soon be on the market!"

Sorry.

My mum met her partner at 60. They've been together for nearly 20 years now.

This was after my dad left her (with two kids) when she was about 40. She only had one relationship in the intervening years.

So, don't give up hope!

I know a few women who found love on residential summer schools. They are definitely good breeding grounds for romance.