Feeling hopeless about finding a partner in my late forties

[dapplepot]

I am 47 and just so sad that I can't seem to find a nice man who wants to be with me. I've already been though the mill with men who are happy to use me for sex or as a placeholder or a therapist while they get over the woman they really loved or men who see my home and savings as a way to fund their own lifestyle but an actual partner is so much harder to find. My latest stint on apps shows me my admirers are young lads looking to fulfil an older woman fantasy and much older men close to my fathers age who seem to think I'll be jumping at the chance to date a pensioner. Sorry I don't mean to sound unkind but like most women I just want a guy roughly my own age and stage of life.

I look at other women I know and most of them do have loving partners who obviously adore them who share the load of life with them and are there for fun things like holidays, meals out and just spending time together at home. I can't help but wonder what's wrong with me? Why am I the one on the shelf, the one nobody decent wanted? I know I shouldn't but I do compare myself to other women and I don't think I am any worse looking or less likeable than them so why haven't I found anyone? The only thing I can think of is that I didn't really date in my 20's I was busy with work, family and friends in that time, travelling and having a great time and only really seriously started thinking of dating when I turned 30 but it seems that by then most of the good men had been snapped up and now older single women are all left sifting though other women's rejects and trying to find the very rare good man who still becomes available. It doesn't help that the few good men I do know who have become single (mostly family so not men I'd date) have all ended up with significantly younger women. I think I am still attractive but I am ageing quite noticeably now so how can I compete if men worth having will usually go younger if they can?

I also feel like I can't face going back into it again at this stage, its all too humiliating but at the same time I do really want a partner and it does feel like time is against me.

I'm 29 and in the same boat 😭 10 Yr failed abusive relationship and now nobody wants a single mum with 2 kids. They don't see everything else that we are, just the labels. No advice but following for it and commenting to let you know that you are not alone.

I quite enjoy single life right now, but I am very much a companionship person and am heavily craving that. I hope you find someone who is truly good to you

If you've had a 10-yr abusive relationship and you're 29, you've had very little time single and you're still comparatively young. There's a world of difference between you and the OP age wise.

Kindly, the best thing to do after a long abusive relationship is not go looking around for another man, not for some time, for your kids' sake even more than yours.

Yes, I was in my late 40s when I started going alone. I had no friends (long story!) and felt really self-conscious when I first set up my tent. But if you choose the right festival, it's like stepping into another world. It's like being in the school playground again with all the bullies taken out. Avoid avoid avoid the big commercial festivals though, that's a very different story.

If feeling wobbly on arrival, I'd start off taking myself off to a tea tent and chatting to the people who ran it, so they became my "safe space" (not that I actually needed one!).

In retrospect, I realise there would have been no harm at all in admitting to them that I was lonely. Maybe I didn't realise this at the time. But just by being open and curious, I met loads of great people to hang out with. Stayed in touch with a few. Eventually married one!!!!!

ETA: It's easy to chat to strangers at a festival. You just comment on the music or something, or make a joke about the food or the toilets.

You sound so brave! What are the kind of festivals that are good for this?

Ha! Yes, it took a bit of guts 🤣 but it's a bit like SAS: Who Dares Wins! If you can face your darkest fears and grit your teeth and get on with it, there are many rewards!

Re festivals, it depends what sort of music you like and what sort of experience you enjoy. Waveform was where I first started out, and it was great, but that was years ago; I just checked online, and see it no longer exists.

Also, you tend to find that as festivals become more popular, the atmosphere changes because more people come along who wouldn't normally have bothered. Looking out for new festivals can be a good way to make sure you're one of the "pioneers" 🌞

Have a look on here, see what appeals to you. You can filter it by music genre, crowd size etc.
here.live/discover

I loved Waveform, it was tiny and awesome!

It doesn’t help but your not alone, I’m 46 and apart from one man exH in all this lifetime so far, whatever age I’ve been 20s or 40s, men have only seen me for a good time not for a relationship, however I’ve observed inc exH have gone on to choose less attractive women and not always younger to commit to after me, I like to think I’m a good person too, I think instead of levelling up, they often choose someone more vulnerable and easy to manipulate, I know there must be some good ones out there but very few that can deal with a independent, attractive women that doesn’t need a man.

There are plenty of good men out there, but for some reason you are missing them. I have had a number of good male friends who have been single and female friends who have found great blokes.

As a bloke who has dated on and off in last 3 years, it is pretty hard the other way round too! But there will be people like me with good job, domesticated, hobbies, in good health and just fun with emotional IQ. You need to work out why you are not getting matched with them? Try speed dating, use hinge and bumble and none of the others. at 47 you could set age range from 45 to 54 ish at a guess.

Dont expect to fall in love immediately and be realistic that it's unlikely any of us will meet someone thats perfect.

Wanting to meet someone doesn’t make you desperate. On a human level, it’s very understandable. Yes, I think you should live your life as fully as you can in the meantime, but wanting to meet someone is normal as far as I’m concerned. I am 36 in a few weeks and feel exactly the same. I do feel on it a lot, but I throw myself into the gym and more recently, pole fitness. If you’re anything like me, the advice of ‘you have to be completely happy alone!’ feels painful. I’ve done so much work on my own self, and I still feel the pang of loneliness regularly. I’m right there with you!!

If more women were “picky” men would have to up their game and it would definitely be a good thing

I just don’t know how they would ever meet the nice ones, unless through friends.. Nights out don’t seem to work as they are the wrong type and they can’t be bothered with dating sites, don’t blame them to be honest!

Definitely meeting through friends is the best way. Friends of friends of friends….. Just widen your circle, go out and do things you enjoy and meet likeminded people .