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Original poster

Feeling hopeless about finding a partner in my late forties

162 replies

dapplepot · 18/07/2026 13:53

I am 47 and just so sad that I can't seem to find a nice man who wants to be with me. I've already been though the mill with men who are happy to use me for sex or as a placeholder or a therapist while they get over the woman they really loved or men who see my home and savings as a way to fund their own lifestyle but an actual partner is so much harder to find. My latest stint on apps shows me my admirers are young lads looking to fulfil an older woman fantasy and much older men close to my fathers age who seem to think I'll be jumping at the chance to date a pensioner. Sorry I don't mean to sound unkind but like most women I just want a guy roughly my own age and stage of life.

I look at other women I know and most of them do have loving partners who obviously adore them who share the load of life with them and are there for fun things like holidays, meals out and just spending time together at home. I can't help but wonder what's wrong with me? Why am I the one on the shelf, the one nobody decent wanted? I know I shouldn't but I do compare myself to other women and I don't think I am any worse looking or less likeable than them so why haven't I found anyone? The only thing I can think of is that I didn't really date in my 20's I was busy with work, family and friends in that time, travelling and having a great time and only really seriously started thinking of dating when I turned 30 but it seems that by then most of the good men had been snapped up and now older single women are all left sifting though other women's rejects and trying to find the very rare good man who still becomes available. It doesn't help that the few good men I do know who have become single (mostly family so not men I'd date) have all ended up with significantly younger women. I think I am still attractive but I am ageing quite noticeably now so how can I compete if men worth having will usually go younger if they can?

I also feel like I can't face going back into it again at this stage, its all too humiliating but at the same time I do really want a partner and it does feel like time is against me.

OP posts:
OneFunGreyFish · 22/07/2026 07:00

You haven't missed the boat. There are less options to be sure, but you only need ONE. Only one great guy who you gel with. It's like finding a job, be creative and don't give up! I'm not single but I have had friends my age (also 47) recommend hiking groups, breathwork groups, yoga classes, the gym and boardgames nights as potential meet cute options. I do like the ironing idea though, ingenious 😂

Badbadbunny · 22/07/2026 11:31

Watermelonsugar44 · 20/07/2026 18:36

Where are all the nice ones? My daughters are in their early 20’s and have already been put off dating by a couple of bad experiences. Their stories and those of some of their friends do not reflect well on the dating pool of men at all!

I do (secretly) wonder how on earth they’ll meet someone now, all the ones they get to meet through hobbies, uni, work etc are already taken. Not many seem to be confident to chat to good looking confident young women and certainly don’t ask them out. You’d have thought they’d be batting them off but they aren’t at all. They are now focusing on career, friends and travel instead, probably a bit like op did.

I imagine it is worse in your 40’s , especially as there will be more with baggage.

My DS says exactly the same. He's 24, got a good professional job, but says he never meets any "nice" girls he'd be interested in. Says the same, all the "nice" ones are taken. (I've never asked what he considers to be "nice"!) Such a shame as he'd definitely be a "keeper" as he's a lovely lad, nice personality, very respectful, etc.

iamnotalemon · 22/07/2026 11:55

60degreecycle · 22/07/2026 05:30

I didn't mean to be condescending, apologies to OP if that was the case.

Knowing that you want something that is peddled as the panacea to women from when we are born by every magazine, film, tv programme, book, leaflet, is worth examining.

A long term relationship with a man isn't the be all and end all of a happy life, I would say, for a great number of women. Very much worth thinking about, rather than giving OP platitudes of join a carpentry club, your prince is out there. There is another mindset.

Show quote history

That’s the thing, I’m not sure if what I’m looking for doesn’t actually exist and we have been sold a lie! Or if I think I want someone, but the reality would be very different.

Priyanka12 · 22/07/2026 11:57

I think my post has been misunderstood, but English is not my first language, so...
I come from a culture where everybody gets paired up pretty quickly at school or at the uni - late teens, early twenties. If you miss out on that window of opportunity, you are very likely to end up alone forever. This happened to me as well - at 26 and single - I was written off by the society and friends.
I had to really come out of my comfort zone and reach out to 'uncharted waters' to find a good candidate and I took huge risks, including emigration.
In the end it was not about meeting a prince of charming like in Disney, but a step into a new phase of life and involved another kind of enormous, personal growth.
Most of women I've known, who have remained alone, have either been too choosy and unable to compromise, or have a very shy, introverted nature and simply shy away from human contact.
Meeting up just for sex in your 20s doesn't really happen that much where I come from - for me it would be a horrendous waste of time and very risky, too.
The comment I made about 'someone to rely on' didn't refer to the children but to partner and its mutual.
My advice - if all fails - would be to approach finding a forever partner like a project - plan, prepare, do and finalise. I think most of men don't want an ideal woman to the extend that we want an ideal husband. They are satisfied if you check most of their boxes, but they just need to be in that phase of life when they are determined to settle down.

Badbadbunny · 22/07/2026 12:10

@Priyanka12

I come from a culture where everybody gets paired up pretty quickly at school or at the uni - late teens, early twenties. If you miss out on that window of opportunity, you are very likely to end up alone forever.

Not that disimilar to the UK culture really. To the extent that most people seem to pair up late teens or early twenties. That's how it was when I was that age back in the 1980s and it's exactly what my son says, and he's 24! Uni seems to be where most people pair up these days. The "pool" of people available once you hit your mid 20's seems to be greatly reduced as most people (those who want a relationship) have paired up and it's easy to miss out and then find your "pool" of available people is very small and often lots of "unsuitable" people who no one else wants!

Me and DH were lucky in that we "missed out" on pairing up in our teens for various (different) reasons, and we just found each other by chance aged 23, neither having had previous relationships. I think we'd both resigned ourselves to being single as we'd seen nearly all our friends pair up. Thing is, neither of us really made much effort to look for a partner. We just became friends through voluntary work and after several months, it became a relationship.

DS missed out on the Uni pairing up because he went during Covid, so there were no "face to face" social activities, no lectures, no pubs/clubs, etc. Out of his halls flat of 8 students, 7 of them are still single and the other one already had a long term partner before starting Uni. Most of his old school friends are also single. Ironically, he's going on holiday abroad with another 5 of his uni flat mates (male and female) next month - all still single, so thought it was a good idea to holiday together!

Beingseenisneedy · 22/07/2026 13:27

60degreecycle · 22/07/2026 05:30

I didn't mean to be condescending, apologies to OP if that was the case.

Knowing that you want something that is peddled as the panacea to women from when we are born by every magazine, film, tv programme, book, leaflet, is worth examining.

A long term relationship with a man isn't the be all and end all of a happy life, I would say, for a great number of women. Very much worth thinking about, rather than giving OP platitudes of join a carpentry club, your prince is out there. There is another mindset.

Show quote history

True but OP already said: I do really want a partner.

She's has also said she's done the travelling and living her life having fun. She comes across as someone who knows what she wants.

So to say she has to examine her decision is condescending.

Of course some people, whether men or women are happy on their own. OP says she isn't.

VeronicaRaven · 22/07/2026 14:07

dapplepot · 21/07/2026 21:07

@VeronicaRaven @JHound is correct I'm not so desperate I'd be with just anyone I will and have ended relationships when they haven't been working or other wise a negative experience. That doesn't mean I don't still ideally want a partner.

I can only tell you how your post comes across, but that the beauty of the written word.
I believe I said 'a bit desperate', maybe that wasn't the best expression, maybe 'you are trying a little too hard' would've been better.
Anyway, you asked and I only gave my opinion. I'm guessing it was not the general consensus so it got picked on 😁

Theloudbiscuit · 22/07/2026 17:26

dapplepot · 18/07/2026 13:53

I am 47 and just so sad that I can't seem to find a nice man who wants to be with me. I've already been though the mill with men who are happy to use me for sex or as a placeholder or a therapist while they get over the woman they really loved or men who see my home and savings as a way to fund their own lifestyle but an actual partner is so much harder to find. My latest stint on apps shows me my admirers are young lads looking to fulfil an older woman fantasy and much older men close to my fathers age who seem to think I'll be jumping at the chance to date a pensioner. Sorry I don't mean to sound unkind but like most women I just want a guy roughly my own age and stage of life.

I look at other women I know and most of them do have loving partners who obviously adore them who share the load of life with them and are there for fun things like holidays, meals out and just spending time together at home. I can't help but wonder what's wrong with me? Why am I the one on the shelf, the one nobody decent wanted? I know I shouldn't but I do compare myself to other women and I don't think I am any worse looking or less likeable than them so why haven't I found anyone? The only thing I can think of is that I didn't really date in my 20's I was busy with work, family and friends in that time, travelling and having a great time and only really seriously started thinking of dating when I turned 30 but it seems that by then most of the good men had been snapped up and now older single women are all left sifting though other women's rejects and trying to find the very rare good man who still becomes available. It doesn't help that the few good men I do know who have become single (mostly family so not men I'd date) have all ended up with significantly younger women. I think I am still attractive but I am ageing quite noticeably now so how can I compete if men worth having will usually go younger if they can?

I also feel like I can't face going back into it again at this stage, its all too humiliating but at the same time I do really want a partner and it does feel like time is against me.

Married male 38 here... im not going time beat around the bush with this one!! Get you makeup on... put on some underware that makes you feel sexy and get out and enjoy your self, theres someone out there for everyone.. know your worth and dont settle for anything less than you deserve just because you feel its all slipping away. Best of luck girl 👏

iamnotalemon · 22/07/2026 18:13

Theloudbiscuit · 22/07/2026 17:26

Married male 38 here... im not going time beat around the bush with this one!! Get you makeup on... put on some underware that makes you feel sexy and get out and enjoy your self, theres someone out there for everyone.. know your worth and dont settle for anything less than you deserve just because you feel its all slipping away. Best of luck girl 👏

Show quote history

That’s the advice. Make up and nice underwear. Right.

Specialneedsnightmare · 22/07/2026 18:31

iamnotalemon · 22/07/2026 18:13

That’s the advice. Make up and nice underwear. Right.

Show quote history

I did the same when my marriage ended and it made me feel good. It wasn't to find/please a man, but to give myself a boost. It's not necessarily bad advice if it works.

Theloudbiscuit · 22/07/2026 18:32

This reply has been deleted

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JHound · 22/07/2026 19:09

thesealion · 21/07/2026 23:44

I thought I wanted one at the time but looking back, unless that person had wanted the exact same things as me in terms of where to live, being willing to move to different places and try new things, I would’ve dumped them to live my life as I wanted (and I did dump someone I’d been with for a year in my early 20s as we wanted different things). A long term relationship at that age would’ve hampered my adult development tbh and I wouldn’t be where I am in life now.

Show quote history

I get you. I definitely walked from opportunities to get to know somebody better because I had other plans for my life. But the reality is if I had really liked a person, I would happily have focused on developing that relationship opportunity. That was always my issue, I meet men I like and I meet men who like me.

But I never come across those two qualities in one person!

JHound · 22/07/2026 19:15

Priyanka12 · 22/07/2026 11:57

I think my post has been misunderstood, but English is not my first language, so...
I come from a culture where everybody gets paired up pretty quickly at school or at the uni - late teens, early twenties. If you miss out on that window of opportunity, you are very likely to end up alone forever. This happened to me as well - at 26 and single - I was written off by the society and friends.
I had to really come out of my comfort zone and reach out to 'uncharted waters' to find a good candidate and I took huge risks, including emigration.
In the end it was not about meeting a prince of charming like in Disney, but a step into a new phase of life and involved another kind of enormous, personal growth.
Most of women I've known, who have remained alone, have either been too choosy and unable to compromise, or have a very shy, introverted nature and simply shy away from human contact.
Meeting up just for sex in your 20s doesn't really happen that much where I come from - for me it would be a horrendous waste of time and very risky, too.
The comment I made about 'someone to rely on' didn't refer to the children but to partner and its mutual.
My advice - if all fails - would be to approach finding a forever partner like a project - plan, prepare, do and finalise. I think most of men don't want an ideal woman to the extend that we want an ideal husband. They are satisfied if you check most of their boxes, but they just need to be in that phase of life when they are determined to settle down.

Edited

Most of women I've known, who have remained alone, have either been too choosy and unable to compromise, or have a very shy, introverted nature and simply shy away from human contact

God not this old trope. It’s so boring…

hahabahbag · 22/07/2026 19:18

I met dh at 46, good ones are out there! I met dh old but a paid site not an app

Huckleberries · 22/07/2026 19:25

@Priyanka12 and what is your situation please?

60degreecycle · 22/07/2026 20:24

@Beingseenisneedy I get it. I get that the idea of wanting a partner is compelling for lots of reasons.

She's has also said she's done the travelling and living her life having fun

I also know that this isn't the best place to come at meeting someone from. I've done having fun, my travelling days are behind me, I've done all my living, now I'm ready for you!

What comes next? Limbo. Waiting. Giving mediocre men the benefit of the doubt and very much doubting the benefit.

thesealion · 22/07/2026 22:37

JHound · 22/07/2026 19:09

I get you. I definitely walked from opportunities to get to know somebody better because I had other plans for my life. But the reality is if I had really liked a person, I would happily have focused on developing that relationship opportunity. That was always my issue, I meet men I like and I meet men who like me.

But I never come across those two qualities in one person!

Show quote history

Yes, I can’t say what would’ve happened if I met someone I REALLY clicked with and the feeling was mutual, because that didn’t happen! The people I dated at that time were all unsuitable and I think I always knew deep down.

iamnotalemon · 23/07/2026 03:55

JHound · 22/07/2026 19:15

Most of women I've known, who have remained alone, have either been too choosy and unable to compromise, or have a very shy, introverted nature and simply shy away from human contact

God not this old trope. It’s so boring…

Show quote history

Agree. Perhaps I am too picky about who I want to spend my life with! More people should be

iamnotalemon · 23/07/2026 03:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

*your

KidsDoBetter · 23/07/2026 06:24

DropOfffArtiste · 19/07/2026 22:20

Take in ironing??? She's looking for a partner, not a part-time job!

Show quote history

This was one of the most bonkers things I’ve ever read on MN 🤣

madaboutpurple · 23/07/2026 06:54

A friend of mine met her husband when she asked her friendship group did they know any lovely single men. A friend introduced her to another friend and they hit it off and have been together for many years now. I would think you re better off meeting potential partners in real life situations rather than online dating. All the best OP.

aquashiv · 23/07/2026 08:20

I was in my mid-50s when I looked again. There are plenty of men looking, let me assure you.

You need to be selective.

heizfiftyseven · 23/07/2026 08:28

aquashiv · 23/07/2026 08:20

I was in my mid-50s when I looked again. There are plenty of men looking, let me assure you.

You need to be selective.

I agree.

There have been quite a few romances at my church between widows and widowers.
There are fewer widowers than widows, so their opportunities are better, if that is what they want. 🙂

Feadsisbanging · 23/07/2026 20:35

BurntBroccoli · 18/07/2026 14:29

I came off the dating merry go round 10 years ago as all the men seemed to be exactly as you described. I’ve been (mostly) happily single ever since as the pressure on myself was lifted.

The advice is always to join a local club and try and make friends rather than see men as potential partners. I’m planning on doing this now that I’m an empty nester and my kids have left home.

Can I ask how you fill your time? I work and have plenty of friends - but certainly not enough that I am busy every weekend or anything and I do get really lonely when I have Fri-Mon with nothing on. I’m happy being single but just need to hang out with people sometimes. Any tips?

Feadsisbanging · 23/07/2026 20:51

Beachtastic · 21/07/2026 09:43

I always recommend small, independent music festivals for meeting people. First of all it narrows things down to people who share your musical taste, which can be v important. Second, it's a casual mingling where you can easily drop in and out of conversation with strangers, stick around with them if it's fun, or just wander off and lose them in the crowd. Third, tenting in a field is a great leveller. And finally, you'll have fun whatever happens, which is the main thing.

This is how I met my fab DH#2 when I was 53.

Did you just go to them on your own? I’m imagining walking around a festival trying to find strangers to talk to quite isolating. Not criticising as I love music and love the idea but feel the reality might be hideous.

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