Feeling hopeless about finding a partner in my late forties

[dapplepot]

I am 47 and just so sad that I can't seem to find a nice man who wants to be with me. I've already been though the mill with men who are happy to use me for sex or as a placeholder or a therapist while they get over the woman they really loved or men who see my home and savings as a way to fund their own lifestyle but an actual partner is so much harder to find. My latest stint on apps shows me my admirers are young lads looking to fulfil an older woman fantasy and much older men close to my fathers age who seem to think I'll be jumping at the chance to date a pensioner. Sorry I don't mean to sound unkind but like most women I just want a guy roughly my own age and stage of life.

I look at other women I know and most of them do have loving partners who obviously adore them who share the load of life with them and are there for fun things like holidays, meals out and just spending time together at home. I can't help but wonder what's wrong with me? Why am I the one on the shelf, the one nobody decent wanted? I know I shouldn't but I do compare myself to other women and I don't think I am any worse looking or less likeable than them so why haven't I found anyone? The only thing I can think of is that I didn't really date in my 20's I was busy with work, family and friends in that time, travelling and having a great time and only really seriously started thinking of dating when I turned 30 but it seems that by then most of the good men had been snapped up and now older single women are all left sifting though other women's rejects and trying to find the very rare good man who still becomes available. It doesn't help that the few good men I do know who have become single (mostly family so not men I'd date) have all ended up with significantly younger women. I think I am still attractive but I am ageing quite noticeably now so how can I compete if men worth having will usually go younger if they can?

I also feel like I can't face going back into it again at this stage, its all too humiliating but at the same time I do really want a partner and it does feel like time is against me.

So did I!

I just wanted to say that some of the most brilliant women I know are long-time single or met their partners very late. One of my closest friends was (I think) 48 when she met her partner. He was divorced with teenaged children who have now left home.
I would not necessarily rule such men out?

I think many of my friends would agree re thinking more seriously about the future in our 20s - but you don’t know what you don’t know! Equally I know a couple of people who got married at 21 and got divorced in their 40s so that isn’t always a good thing either.

You're not the only one feeling like this OP it's exactly how I felt years ago until I gave up late 30s and am now genuinely content by myself. Also ignore the idiot who called you desperate. You're not desperate at all x

It’s not easy but I certainly wouldn’t give up. You are correct not to lower your standards. People throughout their 40’s and 50’s get divorced and you need to think very carefully about where you might meet them.

Take in ironing??? She's looking for a partner, not a part-time job!

Hi op
I’m with you
came out of a long relationship and nothing has prepared me for how hard it would be. Online dating has been grim. Think I had around 11 dates, used for sex when I’ve thought things were going some where. Men who are late forties early fifties who I thought would want to date, enjoy doing things. I think I’m done .

In a similar boat. Actually think there are good women & men out there but we’re all struggling to connect. Keep trying I think.

That's so funny because my grandma always used to advocate for a younger man - she used to tell me that saying but the opposite way around so "better to be a young man's darling than an old man's nursemaid "

I'm mid 50s and I met my current lovely partner who is exactly the same age as me through online dating. I actually had a lot of fun doing it and met lots of men my age who were very nice and lots of younger men who were a lot of fun.

Personally I set my age range as 30s to 54 (my age then) as I really did not want anybody any older than me.

personally i prefer to meet and date in person as and when, then you get to know the real person rather than a profile etc

All is not lost, but very frustratingly, I do think it’s true that the dating pool of genuinely good men in your age bracket is just very small. You’re right – the majority of great men are snapped up in their 20s and early 30s. And unless in exceptional circumstances, women aren’t going to be letting these men go.

Of course they are still out there, it’s just that much harder to find them.

I’ve recently seen a really good thing on instagram called ‘empty chairs UK’
Might be worth looking into. See pic which explains more about it. They have meets all over the UK - every week from what I can see. It’s not dating. But just looks like a good way to way to meet new people. And of course, meeting new people might lead to things!

edit - I am not Helen BTW! I’ve just posted this to explain what it’s all about!

Pic is under review. But if you’re on insta search ‘empty chairs UK’

Just don’t rush it, take some time to find yourself, you will find someone if you look in the right places, in my opinion most dating apps are 95% men just looking to get laid, no idea what the other 5% look like. Maybe concentrate on doing the things that make you happy and maybe you’ll find someone with similar interests to you. Just don’t give up on yourself, your perfect partner is out there somewhere you just need to find him/her.

I thought it was interesting that you say you were busy doing other things in your twenties. I wondered if having a partner wasn’t something you thought you wanted / wasn’t a priority for you then; but now it is. I think for most people it’s a priority at most ages. I thought when you said ‘snapped up’ also implied you think others have been quick off the mark to find a partner - I would say leaving it until your thirties is very late to start seeing it as a priority and this is where you went wrong. I agree that joining clubs is a good idea to meet people in real life. Music? Art? Theatre? Sport? Try some of these areas. I did wonder from your post if you are a little self centred - purely because I got the impression you were ‘too busy’ in your twenties and then expect someone to arrive as and when it suits you, and that’s just not how life works. Of course take that with a pinch of salt and it’s worth remembering that many people are not happily married!

Don't offer to take in ironing. That will just find men who won't treat you as an equal.

Being single isn't all bad. You can go out and do stuff you want to do. I've been single most of my life, which isn't really a choice, but I've done and seen lots of things, and I think it's better than having been in abusive marriages as some friends have been. I do date sometimes, but I have a rule than I don't give up existing activities, friends and plans for a man, because those things don't let me down, and friends are more supportive and reliable.

Absolutely tickled by the idea that taking in ironing might lead to a meet cute with a hot corporate guy! 😂

Honestly I am 30 and feel the same. I also meet a lot of people through hobbies etc. It makes me wonder how people meet someone decent!

I have to try to hold out hope but what I find helps is avoiding spending too much time thinking about/seeing couples doing things together! Otherwise it makes me sad. Wishing you the best OP.

I think the older man younger woman thing is a big mistake.

I know someone who got with a guy 17 years older than her. It was cute and sexy when she was in her mid 30s. But now shes in her early 60s and hes falling apart, I feel sad for her. Because she doesnt realise it i dont think but from the outside in he has massively aged her

You’ve probably hit the nail on the head with the not dating in your 20s and older men wanting younger women.

However I do know a few women who met decent men in their 40s or late 30s - from what I gather either online or introduced by another friend, so it’s not hopeless.

Do you have any specific hobbies or lifestyle preferences as i know someone who met their current partner on an app for their hobby. Any friends that can offer introductions? Do you go out of an evening to places that cater for your age group or volunteer?

I’d just keep going really - with real life and the Apps - it really is a numbers game (I say the same to my DCs who are in their 20s and dating w various levels of success).

I’m in the same position as you and early 50’s been dating for 2 ish years now. Get lots of comments from much younger men on their 30’s men my age only want one thing or are on the bones of their arse, no jobs and mental health difficulties. I’m working full time with a nice home, car, holidays etc my friends tell me I’m a catch but I can’t get anyone to want to be in a relationship with me. Can get sex at the drop of a hat though

I have nothing to add in terms of advice

except

don’t be fooled into thinking everyone in a relationship is having a wonderful time.

Particularly those who’ve been married for decades. It’s extremely hard work at times, less so at others, and fun occasionally, I would say (married thirty years) but of course they don’t tend to share the hard bits 😊

Please don't think there's anything wrong with you and that most other women are happily partnered. Many lovely, attractive women are in your position, some of them my friends. One friend after being single all her life apart from short term relationships, met a kind, amusing, thoughtful man she really clicked with last year and is very happy. Their ages are 67 and 70.
And many women in relationships are not happy, though I take your point about having someone to talk to, do things with and share the loads of life - that is precious even in less than perfect relationships. I hope you find someone.

I'd guess get used to enjoying your own company.
An aquaintence asked me last week why I am always on my own. Yes I did take it as a dig, but fired back why are you (she) incapable of being on your (her) own?
To be independent & happy in your own company is far more liberating than depending upon anybody. No idea where I'm going with this. I've dated the cheaters that used me for sex or had propositions from the males who are old enough to be my dad, ive hit 51 & I'm genuinely happier single. Join groups, maybe church, gym, etc, and don't start to think its you, its not. Never stop going somewhere because you have no partner, your confidence will shine through & i hope in time you find somebody nice.

I'm nearly 52, menapausal & have given up, a happy singleton.

Is your husband my DP?! 😂🤭

An advert for ironing shirts?

Give over!

First of all, crazy way to attract someone who you want a relationship with.

Second, if that was a pull, I'm not sure the "corporate guys" are going to be hunting around the "ironing ladies" for their future partner.

Third, it's the 21st century... She may be inundated with requests from corporate women, whilst the corporate men iron their own shirts 😏