Feeling hopeless about finding a partner in my late forties

[dapplepot]

I am 47 and just so sad that I can't seem to find a nice man who wants to be with me. I've already been though the mill with men who are happy to use me for sex or as a placeholder or a therapist while they get over the woman they really loved or men who see my home and savings as a way to fund their own lifestyle but an actual partner is so much harder to find. My latest stint on apps shows me my admirers are young lads looking to fulfil an older woman fantasy and much older men close to my fathers age who seem to think I'll be jumping at the chance to date a pensioner. Sorry I don't mean to sound unkind but like most women I just want a guy roughly my own age and stage of life.

I look at other women I know and most of them do have loving partners who obviously adore them who share the load of life with them and are there for fun things like holidays, meals out and just spending time together at home. I can't help but wonder what's wrong with me? Why am I the one on the shelf, the one nobody decent wanted? I know I shouldn't but I do compare myself to other women and I don't think I am any worse looking or less likeable than them so why haven't I found anyone? The only thing I can think of is that I didn't really date in my 20's I was busy with work, family and friends in that time, travelling and having a great time and only really seriously started thinking of dating when I turned 30 but it seems that by then most of the good men had been snapped up and now older single women are all left sifting though other women's rejects and trying to find the very rare good man who still becomes available. It doesn't help that the few good men I do know who have become single (mostly family so not men I'd date) have all ended up with significantly younger women. I think I am still attractive but I am ageing quite noticeably now so how can I compete if men worth having will usually go younger if they can?

I also feel like I can't face going back into it again at this stage, its all too humiliating but at the same time I do really want a partner and it does feel like time is against me.

'On the shelf'?! You're a human being, not a product to be bought or sold?! Sorry but that sounds awful and quite misogynistic.

And I don't know why you think everyone else's relationship is so perfect. Most people do not have problem free relationships. They just don't choose to discuss their difficulties. So no point comparing yourself to others.

Maybe you'd have more luck meeting people IRL through hobby or interest groups? Gigs? Volunteering? Rather than the apps.

I know you feel despairing but being free and single with your own independent wealth and freedom is a lot better than being with an imperfect bloke. So maybe try and enjoy the fact you're single. Lots of people in a relationship probably wish they were!

Are you my younger self, OP? I could have written your post in my forties, after prioritising travel and friends and work (and activism, in my case) when I was younger.
Then I met DH through those friends, and we’ve now been happy together for more than 20 years.
I hope you strike lucky too, OP. Friends are a good source, and you have to keep your mind open to a wider range of men than you might have originally thought would suit you.

I think it’s very hard to meet a partner when older /divorced/young kids

I’m thinking of dating /meeting someone after split from dh for over 2yrs but hard to find the time due to a child and with me 24/7

also wary after ex , due to me owning own home and being comfortable in life money wise - yes I have to work but also have a nice lifestyle

seen friends on various free dating apps and yes man mainly want sex

so do you pay money for dating app as hoping for the more serious people to join

Outdoorsy voluntary work? I sometimes see teams of volunteers in my local wood - 90 per cent middle-aged men.

Can I ask why you never had children?
Real love that sticks is rare to find. But at least you've got someone to rely on everyday and when life gets tough.
Children are everything.

To some extent, yes, but not if they've moved away or moved abroad. Not everyone stays local or close enough to be "there" for you when needed.

How insensitive are you?

Presumably because she didn't have a partner! Read the thread.

I would definitely recommend that you check out the Burn the Haystack dating method by Jennie Young. She is a professor in rhetoric and published a book this year and has a great Facebook group. Her method will help you identify toxic or misaligned men from the get go which leaves you to focus on finding your needle in the haystack!

It does surprise me you want to find a man, having described such a horrible time in the past when so many men used you. Why was that do you think? A man or woman who is confident and comfortable in their own skin tends not to use or be used. I worry that you keep talking about age and looks. You describe some men as 'other women's rejects'. People aren't their age or their looks. They're not 'rejects'. They're complex human beings with their own personalities, strengths and weaknesses. Perhaps if you focused less on age and looks, both in terms of yourself and a man you might like to date, you might have more success. I would avoid apps and go for a hobby or course. Hope you find someone.

There's someone out there, you just have to keep looking and not settle.

I met my DH on Tinder. Yes there were loads of frogs to wade through, same as he had to wade through female scammers, men pretending to be women and women selling sex etc.

Even the ones shortlisted for actual dates could have driven me to quit, but I knew two couples who met through tinder and married, so persevered.

My mindset was of, the more frogs I got out of the way, the closer to my DH I'd get.

It's possible, but a lot of hard work. Look at it as an investment and good luck.

I honestly think that's where you went wrong OP, waiting until you were 30 to start dating seriously. It is so much easier to meet loads of people and find someone in your early 20's IMO, so many more single people, everyone looking.

Generally, in your early 20's men don't have all the baggage they do in their 40's, they're not expecting you to have your own house and fund them and they're not looking for someone at least 10 years younger than them. It feels like a much more level playing field.

Not of course saying that all men in their 20's are great or it's impossible in your 40's - but I can understand why it feels that way.

This was my impression too. It's not like taxis who switch on a green light above our heads when we are ready for a long-term relationship. I certainly wasn't looking when I met DH as I was 19 and already had a boyfriend.

I always wonder how people in their 20s who are out having fun with friends and family and concentrating on their career or travel don't manage to meet anyone at all - either out or at work. Colleagues can be ready-made friends or partners as you share at least one interest that led you into whatever industry it is.

I personally would not bother again if DH and I split or he died, but if I were looking I would agree that clubs and social meetups are better for compatibility than dating apps.

You're not alone. There are loads like this. Loads of great women too. You say you "did not date in your 20s" but seriously what would that have looked like and how would it differ to how you did live life in your 20s?

I think loads of women dated in the 20s, 30s and now in their 40s with no luck. It's just hard to find a compatible partner for some people. Just luck.

It’s a difficult one. I enjoy meeting and chatting with people and I meet men all the time that I get on well with, so I always fool myself that if I were ever single again I’d fall into another relationship easily, but I think it IS harder for women for the reasons you’ve stated. Men your age can date 10-15 years younger if they so wish and so you are competing with much younger women. The men who are interested are 10-15 years older or much, much younger and you don’t want them.

I met my LTP when I was 36 and it wasn’t easy then either. How I navigated it was lots and lots of dating. I played it like a numbers game. You need to he a bit more playful I think. You seem bogged down with it which is potentially making you come across as serious. Instead of really focusing on exactly what you want I would suggest you try the edges of that too. Maybe a bit older than you’d go for naturally, or a bit younger. Don’t get too caught up in height or whatever other filters you might have set up. I met my ex on a dating site and I’d toggled the settings to allow men with children and that relationship was a really important one for opening up my life to the prospect of a relationship when I’d spent my twenties alone.

I know you want someone to settle with but sometimes you have to allow yourself to have some fun too and then the right person suddenly appears along the way.

It's large stated that middle aged or older men are only interested in women who are at least 15 years younger than them. Tbh from what I can see, that may well be their first preference, but unless they're rich or handsome (or both) they don't stand much of a chance achieving this. They can be truly deluded as to who will find them attractive. But a fun lesson for them to learn!

I totally sympathise with you - although my situation was a bit different- my husband died when I was 58 and I really missed being married/sharing days out, meals, holidays etc and just generally having a partner - I decided to go down the internet dating line as my job was such that I could never meet anyone that way.
I was totally shocked at the amount of horrible photos sent my way (think elderly gents with no pants on type of thing) and the few guys I did actually meet were 100% only interested in sex. I also attracted the attention of a few very young guys (this was a website aimed at over 55’s ) which was absolutely out as they were younger than my own sons! Plus not at all what I was looking for! It was an eye opener to be sure, although I did try to take it with a pinch of salt and not be offended/disgusted etc….. tbh I was about to give up the online dating fiasco when I met my incredible DH - also widowed, kind, loving, faithful and a joy to be with in every way. We have been married 4.5 years and I couldn’t be happier.
im not trying in any way to be smug but please don’t give up - you will find someone I’m sure ….. and it will probably be when you’re least expecting it!
wishing you all the best 🙂
Ps please don’t take up fishing-it’s way more of a solitary sport and I’ve never seen anyone look good in waders 😂😂

I (male) met my current partner when we were in our late fifties. Both of us were single and not looking. I volunteered at the same charity that she was working at. We happened to sit next to each other at the Xmas meal, got on well (in particular same sense of humour) and it went from there

I wasn't on any dating sites (had done that in the past) and was pretty settled on my own

I agree with PP about joining clubs/societies/volunteering. I do think there is something in finding when you are not looking too!

Totally agree about interests and just being out in the world doing things you enjoy, meeting people and making friends of both sexes. I left exh at 60 with no expectation of a relationship at all. Have met lovely men through shared interests and new mutual friends when I wasn’t looking and five years later have had two relationships -one for for 2 years and now second (keeper) for about 16 months. Have never done OLD and the men I have met (both five years younger) haven’t and would’t as they weren’t looking for a relationship either. (One divorced, one widowed)

I hope I'm misunderstanding you. Having kids so you have someone to rely on when things get tough is a really vile attitude (and almost certain to end in disappointment).

This is so nice to read. My brother was widowed in his early fifties and spent some very sad, lonely years before meeting his new, lovely partner through an online dating site which caters for people that have been widowed. It was one where payment is required to register, and I think that helps to weed out the people who are not sincere about looking for a lasting relationship.

Honestly, it’s grim out there. I feel like men (and I think this is backed up by studies but I’m not 100% sure) are just falling behind with the times - so many men who aren’t anywhere near as capable, mature and resourceful as women and then seem to have a chip on their shoulder on top of that.

Saying that, I really wouldn’t put much stock in what you watch from the outside when it comes to others’ relationships. Nothing is ever as it seems.

Where are all the nice ones? My daughters are in their early 20’s and have already been put off dating by a couple of bad experiences. Their stories and those of some of their friends do not reflect well on the dating pool of men at all!

I do (secretly) wonder how on earth they’ll meet someone now, all the ones they get to meet through hobbies, uni, work etc are already taken. Not many seem to be confident to chat to good looking confident young women and certainly don’t ask them out. You’d have thought they’d be batting them off but they aren’t at all. They are now focusing on career, friends and travel instead, probably a bit like op did.

I imagine it is worse in your 40’s , especially as there will be more with baggage.

Completely agree, and so many with awful social skills and manners.

IMO OP this is your answer.

I remarried in my 50's after meeting a guy at an unusual hobby (not specifying - could be outing !) a friend of mine met her husband in her 60s at a Dancing Group.
Several widows and widowers met and married at my church.