Feeling hopeless about finding a partner in my late forties

[dapplepot]

I am 47 and just so sad that I can't seem to find a nice man who wants to be with me. I've already been though the mill with men who are happy to use me for sex or as a placeholder or a therapist while they get over the woman they really loved or men who see my home and savings as a way to fund their own lifestyle but an actual partner is so much harder to find. My latest stint on apps shows me my admirers are young lads looking to fulfil an older woman fantasy and much older men close to my fathers age who seem to think I'll be jumping at the chance to date a pensioner. Sorry I don't mean to sound unkind but like most women I just want a guy roughly my own age and stage of life.

I look at other women I know and most of them do have loving partners who obviously adore them who share the load of life with them and are there for fun things like holidays, meals out and just spending time together at home. I can't help but wonder what's wrong with me? Why am I the one on the shelf, the one nobody decent wanted? I know I shouldn't but I do compare myself to other women and I don't think I am any worse looking or less likeable than them so why haven't I found anyone? The only thing I can think of is that I didn't really date in my 20's I was busy with work, family and friends in that time, travelling and having a great time and only really seriously started thinking of dating when I turned 30 but it seems that by then most of the good men had been snapped up and now older single women are all left sifting though other women's rejects and trying to find the very rare good man who still becomes available. It doesn't help that the few good men I do know who have become single (mostly family so not men I'd date) have all ended up with significantly younger women. I think I am still attractive but I am ageing quite noticeably now so how can I compete if men worth having will usually go younger if they can?

I also feel like I can't face going back into it again at this stage, its all too humiliating but at the same time I do really want a partner and it does feel like time is against me.

I guarantee people think the same of my marriage. Most people don't moan publicly. I do love my husband, but he makes my life harder and the older we get, the less we have in common. Yes, he's useful for socialising and can be very kind and supportive but on the whole, life would be easier, more free and enjoyable without him living with me.
It's a bit like the way you love a parent. You love them but living with them is a recipe for misery and frustration a lot of the time.

No all marriages are like this though.

I view single women of your / my age in high regard. They weren't willing to let their standards go just to be married.*

They could also not be marriage material for the men they dated if any. It works both ways.

Parental and marital relationship can't be compared, they're so completely different.

Of course most wouldn't want to live day to day with their parents, but a partner is different.

OP is looking for a man who'll be her partner, her best friend, her supporter, someone she can rely on and have the best time with.

Marriages do get into a routine, but both partners have to be willing to put the work in.

It is possible, they are out there if you don't settle.

I’m mid 40s, no children and have been single for a while. I’d love to meet someone and fall in love, but the men I am meeting seem to just cause me more hassle than they’re worth, and it’s not because I’m picking the wrong ones (like I did in my 20s). I think the apps are to blame personally. Good thing I don’t want children and I’m not massively fussed about getting married.

I can understand OP and it must be a million times worse if you only see happy couples around you.

I don’t know, some of what she says speaks a lot of sense and if it’s a case of weeding out the unsuitable ones quicker, that’s not a bad thing. Of course you will get people who take it too far, like in anything.

@Priyanka12That’s an incredibly rude comment and also an extremely selfish reason to have children.

Because the answer colours my response to what you wrote. It's the sort of trite platitudes that coupled-up people write in my experience. It might all be true, but for single people, they really have hard all of it before. When I was single it made my eyes roll out of my head.

As for saying the OP sounds "desperate", that's just plain rude. And wrong - she's quite clearly not desperate for anyone, she wants to find someone decent.

I know you mean well but there are women who would at least like to experience marriage and long term committed partnership.

Well now that you have explained...
I'm not single, in a long term relationship. But I was single for years and I could've wrote OPs original post. I was dating the wrong guys too, because I wanted to be with someone as much as she does. But as time went on I realised it was a complete nonsense, for me, and I learned to love, respect and value myself first, literally exactly what I wrote to OP.

I wasn't trying to be rude, far from it, but I've been her, literally word for word. And I was for sure desperate to be with someone, till I wasn't...
If my attitude didn't change I don't believe I would even be in relationship today, never mind a long term one.

I started my post with 'respectfully' hoping that OP will not take it as an insult (it wasn't) but as I message. OP - apologies if I insulted you, looks like I didn't put my point across most eloquently.

I'm in a long term relationship now but I could've go on as I was happily and if my other half left/died/got taken by UFO today my world wouldn't crumble. I get a lot of value from my relationship but my world is not based on it.

You may think that what I said is ridiculous, that's fine. This is hard to explain to people who have different mindset, so I get it.
OP asked for opinions so I gave mine. There is nothing else to it.
I'm guessing my opinion was different from the general consensus so here we are.

If you went and stood outside Sainsbury's and did a survey of all the late 40's women who walked past, a good chunk of them would gnaw their own arm off to be in your position.

The rate of divorce is 50%. That's the ones that actually get divorced, there's a large amount of couples in mid life who are "trapped" together due to finances, and stay "for the kids" or other reasons, but are for the best part fairly miserable in a relationship that's fairly hopeless.

I'd focus on having a good time, and as much fun as possible, and making the most of your freedom. If you pick up someone along the way that adds to your life, than all the better, but drop it as a priority.

Same here. I didn’t meet anyone who actually wanted a long term relationship until I was 35! I don’t think I wanted one in my 20s either though, and I don’t think that’s as unusual as people are making out. That’s when you’re establishing your career, moving around travelling etc. Thinking of the people I dated in my 20s I’m VERY glad I’m not still with any of them!

Well don't give up. My partner and I are in our 21st year together and we met when I was 49 and he was 52. That was through a dating app. You might have to kiss a few frogs, but it could be worth it.

I was definitely open to a long term relationship. If the right man had come along I would never have rejected him to travel, work etc. But that never happened so…

The fact OP is long term single shows that she clearly isn’t desperate.

@VeronicaRaven @JHound is correct I'm not so desperate I'd be with just anyone I will and have ended relationships when they haven't been working or other wise a negative experience. That doesn't mean I don't still ideally want a partner.

I would say leaving it until your thirties is very late to start seeing it as a priority and this is where you went wrong

What on earth is the point of this comment, unless you can also point the OP in the direction of a time machine? 🙄 She’s already made this point herself. She’s asking about what she can do now.

Perhaps you’d like to take up attendance outside an empty stable door so you can helpfully point out to the owner that the horse has bolted?

@babyproblems If you must really know I grew up in a very religious home with not any freedom as a teen and that made it difficult for me to be ready for relationships. I spent a lot of my 20's catching up doing what peers did in their teens. I just wasn't ready, I didn't know this consciously I just didn't feel ready until I was 30.

@CatesandAle Thank you, it's as if that previous poster doesn't understand I know already I've missed the boat! Not very nice of her to assume I'm self centred.

Wow, how condescending!

OP knows what she wants, she's 47 for goodness sake.
She didn't say she's stuck at home waiting and not living her life.

Have you done this survey you talk of?

Divorces/unhappy marriages don't negate the happy successful ones.

Yeah I know how you feel op. I married and divorced young, had a few short term relationships in my 30s, but since then nothing. After putting some effort into dating and getting nowhere I decided I'm not doing it anymore and I'm embracing being single. I have health issues and have had a difficult life in many ways and it's actually a relief to realise i don't need a man. Not saying this is necessarily right for you but there's something to be said for taking time to think about who you are as a person and being happy alone. I doubt I will ever meet the person I once longed for but I'm actually ok with that because I'm my own person, as trite as it may sound. It helps being an introvert who is happy to do things alone. If a wonderful man does appear he would have to add something truly amazing to be worthwhile. And right now I'd rather get another dog.

Hi sorry to hear you feel this way but please don’t worry- plenty of people meet later in life. Dating can be quite stressful. Instead, I’d focus on finding genuine friendships which may become a relationship. Maybe through a community group of some sort. I’m sure the right person is there for everyone. It’s just a matter of luck when you meet them. Getting out and meeting people in a relaxed way should help- be proactive and make connections. You sound great and I’m sure the right person will come along soon. Good luck.

Two of my best friends, one 49 and one 50, are getting married (this year and next year) to lovely men they met in their late 40s. They both met them through online dating.

I thought I wanted one at the time but looking back, unless that person had wanted the exact same things as me in terms of where to live, being willing to move to different places and try new things, I would’ve dumped them to live my life as I wanted (and I did dump someone I’d been with for a year in my early 20s as we wanted different things). A long term relationship at that age would’ve hampered my adult development tbh and I wouldn’t be where I am in life now.

I agree with you. My life would have looked so different had I met someone in my 20s and ‘settled down’. So I’m glad it worked out the way it did as I’ve been able to travel, live abroad etc.

Don’t want to be a nurse within a purse either though.

Wow how rude and insensitive. The whole point of her post is that she’s never met anyone to have a relationship with. Should she have had kids with some random fling ? If you read MN you’ll know there’s plenty of dead beat ‘fathers’ out there. Children are not everything to everyone you can actually have a fulfilled life without them. You can’t rely on children to look after you, neither should you.

I didn't mean to be condescending, apologies to OP if that was the case.

Knowing that you want something that is peddled as the panacea to women from when we are born by every magazine, film, tv programme, book, leaflet, is worth examining.

A long term relationship with a man isn't the be all and end all of a happy life, I would say, for a great number of women. Very much worth thinking about, rather than giving OP platitudes of join a carpentry club, your prince is out there. There is another mindset.