Feeling hopeless about finding a partner in my late forties

[dapplepot]

I am 47 and just so sad that I can't seem to find a nice man who wants to be with me. I've already been though the mill with men who are happy to use me for sex or as a placeholder or a therapist while they get over the woman they really loved or men who see my home and savings as a way to fund their own lifestyle but an actual partner is so much harder to find. My latest stint on apps shows me my admirers are young lads looking to fulfil an older woman fantasy and much older men close to my fathers age who seem to think I'll be jumping at the chance to date a pensioner. Sorry I don't mean to sound unkind but like most women I just want a guy roughly my own age and stage of life.

I look at other women I know and most of them do have loving partners who obviously adore them who share the load of life with them and are there for fun things like holidays, meals out and just spending time together at home. I can't help but wonder what's wrong with me? Why am I the one on the shelf, the one nobody decent wanted? I know I shouldn't but I do compare myself to other women and I don't think I am any worse looking or less likeable than them so why haven't I found anyone? The only thing I can think of is that I didn't really date in my 20's I was busy with work, family and friends in that time, travelling and having a great time and only really seriously started thinking of dating when I turned 30 but it seems that by then most of the good men had been snapped up and now older single women are all left sifting though other women's rejects and trying to find the very rare good man who still becomes available. It doesn't help that the few good men I do know who have become single (mostly family so not men I'd date) have all ended up with significantly younger women. I think I am still attractive but I am ageing quite noticeably now so how can I compete if men worth having will usually go younger if they can?

I also feel like I can't face going back into it again at this stage, its all too humiliating but at the same time I do really want a partner and it does feel like time is against me.

I used dating apps for 25 years (on and off). Had a few relationships, lots of flings, and waded through more dross than a dung beetle. It was soul destroying.

I took a long break, then met my partner when I was 49 on a dating app. He’s the kindest and most thoughtful person I’ve ever met and I honestly think about how lucky I am every day.

But if we ever split up, I don’t think I could bear to look for another relationship. The effort and the apps are just awful. In my fifties, I think books, work and friends would be enough.

This!
Definitely don’t assume all is rosy.
Have posted before that me and exh at a party with DC school friend parents and a woman can up to me and asked what was the secret of a good relationship because they all thought we were the happiest couple they knew. This was a few months after Exh admitted to an affair which he ended and we were working through it.
Utterly amazed me -but we didn’t air dirty linen in public so no-one knew.
I was in a relationship soon after my divorce and complete strangers came up to ask us what was the secret of our happy marriage (obviously we weren’t married /but somehow looked good together and people made assumptions.) We were on the tube one night, and a guy got off and as he got off asked if V we were married. We said , no, and he said -you two should get married. We were working through some issues and split a few weeks later…
From the outside it is not what it seems…

Out of interest, are you single @VeronicaRaven ?

Men are always looking for the next place to live rather than a single bedsit. I rent these so I know. Get a divorced man for 6 months till he meets a new gf and moves in with her

This.
I have adult children living their own love -world never ‘depend’ on them! My job as a parent was to help them fly -not tether them!

I wonder who all these girls are who want to move a new man in, when he comes from a bedsit with his clothes in carrier bags ?

Don’t do this!
She is selling a book and it’s all about mocking men for not having perfect syntax in their dating profiles. Lots of gullible and then bitter women follow her.
Just go out and enjoy the things you like and live your life -far more likely to meet a good man in the wild.

That’s a selfish reason to have children.

OP can answer for herself but I assume she never had children as single motherhood did not interest her. Not every woman wants to have children outside of a two-parent family structure.

This is not true at all. Her site is great and provides fantastic advice for knowing when to cut off a man and not waste your time.

In my 20s all the men I met were seeking sex / situationships only.

And the rare needle that wasn’t was not compatible with me / I was not interested in them.

It’s quite interesting because I am at the other end of the spectrum and got together with my now DH very young, but I did experience a few ‘digs’ from other girls in my late teens and early twenties for being in a long term relationship with a boyfriend very young.

No marriage is perfect but settling down young it probably was one of the better decisions of my life.

But I think women do often end up alone anyway. So perhaps we often do end up in the same destination, just by a different route.

If I were single I would probably take out a social membership of a golf or other male dominated sports club, although that comes with self-evident downsides!

I do think for people for whom dating is “easy” just cannot fathom how some people struggle with it. And vice versa. I am like you in that the dating process is such hard work. And then I know women for whom getting into a committed partnership is as easy as putting on a pair of shoes!

This is nonsense! Definitely have a look at https://www.jennieyoung.com/frequently-asked-questions to find out more about the Burned Hsystack dating method. It's all about valuing yourself enough to not tolerate misogynistic men. We all know there are way, way too many of them and this fine tunes your skills to avoid them. I found my 'needle' 25 years ago in my early 40s before this was a thing but I had spent 10 years mostly on my own getting choosier and choosier. I realised I was happier single than with rubbish men but I was able to spot the good one from intuitively following the kind of principles that this method illuminates.

Op, what about the those dating agencies? Matchmakers or something like that. There are a few in London. Basically you pay a free and outsource your dating profile. A couple of men who have had all the checks profiles are handed over and then you go on a date.

I think it’s expensive but atleast someone else gets to weed out the bad ones!
they do dating coaching and profile photos and all sorts!
on another note, not all is as it seems! Not saying everyone’s relationship is bad but not all are perfect, we just aren’t bothered enough by the imperfections which is why those marriages and relationships look like it’s perfect from the outside! Anyway I don’t even have a brother to offer up! And my only male relative is gay so of no use to you either! Rooting for you. Chin up

These men meet and love bomb these women then move in. Probably via dating apps as mums with kids don't get out much do they I guess

😮

I live alone, I love so much about living on my own and I would never live with anyone again. Living with someone else is a massive compromise.

Count your blessings every day OP. Try and feel the joy of only having yourself to please. You can have the entire bed to yourself. Your bathroom stays clean and fragrant. You go to bed and get up when it suits you. You can eat what you want, when you want. You have full control of the TV remote. Your home is peaceful and stays clean.

There are numerous threads on here concerning the downsides of living with a middle aged man. They snore, they fart, they mess up your bathroom, they cough loudly, they breathe, they own the TV remote, they believe they are always right.

In your shoes I'd be so happy, being single, enjoying my own company, not having to put up with men's crap any more, doing what I want when I want. And if I wanted a casual fling, as you say there are quite a few hot younger men who like older women! So I guess I'm very envious! So no advice I'm afraid. If and when you do find what you're looking for just make sure he's a decent bloke who'll treat you right!

Sounds like you're doing the right things, doesn't matter what you did/didn't do in the past, just focus on now.

Do you live in a big enough area to have a reasonable pool of men on online dating? If not, widen your search radius - video call anyone further away to weed out the ones you don't have a connection with.

Your work, are there men at work, or is it public facing? If not, I'd consider a weekend job retail/pub etc.

PP suggested Meetup and I wanted to say it worked for me, I was widowed at 45. I joined a local meetup and met a bunch of nice people, and then at 47 my current partner, I'm now 50.

FYI the group is full of good single men, they find online dating as frustrating and fruitless as women do. The apps make money by keeping people single and on there.

My aunt got married at 62! They are very happy together and now absolutely loving retirement and actually spending time together.

What's that got to do with the price of fish?

I always recommend small, independent music festivals for meeting people. First of all it narrows things down to people who share your musical taste, which can be v important. Second, it's a casual mingling where you can easily drop in and out of conversation with strangers, stick around with them if it's fun, or just wander off and lose them in the crowd. Third, tenting in a field is a great leveller. And finally, you'll have fun whatever happens, which is the main thing.

This is how I met my fab DH#2 when I was 53.

Quite an thoughtless post. Also there are many adult children who very much resent their parents for having then for selfish reasons and even some who go not contact with such parents. If I had had children it would have been for the joy of raising them and giving them all I could so they could go out and live their own full lives, not as an investment that I could draw on when things were hard for me. Your attitude to children seems somewhat unhealthy to me.

Op, I can tell you now that most marriages are only presenting the illusion of happiness. If my marriage ever breaks up, I definitely won't be looking for another man. Men are pretty painful on the whole tbh and I think all my married friends would agree with me.
I know some people do find their 'soul mate' but it isn't the norm.
I know it's hard to appreciate not having a partner as you have been looking for one but I promise you that having to compromise on every decision you make is a hardship in itself.
Not having a partner isn't a reflection on who you are. It's not like you're unlovable or unattractive, it's probably more the case that you were unwilling to settle for men that weren't right for you.
I view single women of your / my age in high regard. They weren't willing to let their standards go just to be married.

@Grammarninja I do appreciate what you're saying and you are probably right but I think in my case I am surrounded by a lot of really good marriages which probably does make it harder than if my friends and family were all moaning about their husbands, I do know some women that do but lots that really seem very happy. Maybe that isn't even the norm and my chances or finding that are really low but I still do hope that one day I will.