Potential partner is very fat

[BetsyB0O]

We met online. Chatted for a few months before meeting up cause he was living out of the area.

He did tell me he was overweight but he is much more overweight than I thought. Probably over 25 stone at a guess.

He says he’s starting on weight loss meds soon.

I know this sounds awful but the weight is an issue for me. Not all to do with appearance there are other issues. Like he is restricted in movement due to being heavy and this obviously would cause issues say if we wanted to travel etc. Then there’s the other health risks.

I feel really awful and shallow. He is perfect in other ways. Kind, funny, etc etc. He makes me feel safe.

What do I do?

Quite honestly, all the worst failed relationships I know are the ones where the sexual chemistry was the big draw.

I can't quite believe that on a forum, supposedly, for grown women and mothers there are so many people who think that side of things is the important bit. I'd have thought by now the fact that boobs drop, men get less hot would have sunk in as well as the importance of being a good parent and life partner, having the same goals and sense of humour.

The hottest guys I knew when young are all balding losers now.

You've met him once. You don’t need a reason to not meet him again other than a kind of ‘mmm dunno’ vague feeling.

Or meet him again if you’re unsure, but at this stage I don’t think you should think too badly if it doesn’t morph into a great love affair.

Don't rely on things that may or may not happen in the future.

And next time don’t talk for so long. That’s why you’re questioning yourself now. I wouldn’t talk for more than four days without arranging to meet personally.

I’m not fat, but if someone said something like that to me, I never be calling that shallow git.

Really? I think not.

I know. Can you imagine it: "If you lose weight I might reconsider you."

Might you just ... you presumptuous twat.

In no other sphere except fat threads could that be considered anything like an acceptable way to speak to someone.

It’s not awful or shallow. I don’t think fat is attractive and as you have said, it also restricts what you can do as a couple which impacts the relationship.

He’s not the one for you by the sounds of it.

What I am starting to understand is how there are so many car crash relationships.

Eh, the lack of physical attraction would be a deal breaker for me.

At 25 stone it stops being about sexual chemistry and starts becoming severely life threatening/ restricting.

Been married 30 years and of course DH is both tubby and balding, and I am saggy/ wrinkly. But we can still walk, hike, travel... Bit sad to start your relationship being restricted in all these things because you want to be nice.

Other people can be supportive and make it easier, but it's something you do ultimately have to do by and for yourself.

Possibly, since women go through pregnancy. Can we please stop with this shit, we get it in pretty much every thread and it's so useless and boring. Yes, it's a forum of mostly women; congratulations on working out that that affects the culture, there'll be 50000 more people tomorrow who experience that revelation. If internet sexism offends you, go fight the manosphere. It's bigger and much worse.

‘Kind, funny, makes me feel safe’ … it is such a pity but op if it’s all you can see it’s all you can see x

I wouldn't be attracted to someone overweight....sounds like you are not either so jusy move on.

This

If it’s a deal breaker it’s a deal breaker. You can’t make yourself fancy someone just because it’s a kind thing to do.

Having a relationship with zero sexual chemistry is also a recipe for disaster.

Yes.

Dating a bloke that you’re not attracted to, who hasn’t prioritised his health, that will restrict your plans for what you would like to do with a partner and who you’ll probably resent because you’re not happy with those things would be a car crash of a relationship.

You're worrying about things that "might" affect a relationship, but you say his appearance doesn't bother you, and you enjoy his company here and now. I think you need to be honest with him that you're not sure where this is going, whether it's just going to be a friendship thing or something more, and you need to take things slowly in order to have time to get your head around it. You may find that the things you're worrying about now turn out to not be that much of an issue in reality, or he discovers things about you that turn out to be dealbreakers for him, but it seems a shame to write things off now without giving it a chance.

Is he very tall? My husband was extremely overweight but could disguise it with the right clothes, he was 6' 3". He did slim down a few times and was better for it but latterly was huge and could no longer disguise it. He developed many health problems associated with his weight and died suddenly.

You don't know this guy very well, you are not tied together. There are other men in the world.

It's not as easy as him just going on WLI and everything is rosy. If he's 25 stone, he's going to need to lose 10 stone or more. He'll have a lot of loose skin at that point and will need to live with it or have surgery. I say that as someone with the same problem after loosing 4 stone. It would be a lot to deal with in a new relationship.

But the op has said attraction isn't about looks for her.

I agree with this post OP.

People don’t reach 25 stone while eating very little. They really don’t.

That’s not someone who just likes their food. That is someone who consistently, routinely overeats by a long way and has continued to do so way past the point hat which it became a problem.

I would happily date a man who was overweight or a fat. But not 25 stone level of fat. That’s extreme and it suggests someone has a deep seated psychological problem with food and eating.