Potential partner is very fat

[BetsyB0O]

We met online. Chatted for a few months before meeting up cause he was living out of the area.

He did tell me he was overweight but he is much more overweight than I thought. Probably over 25 stone at a guess.

He says he’s starting on weight loss meds soon.

I know this sounds awful but the weight is an issue for me. Not all to do with appearance there are other issues. Like he is restricted in movement due to being heavy and this obviously would cause issues say if we wanted to travel etc. Then there’s the other health risks.

I feel really awful and shallow. He is perfect in other ways. Kind, funny, etc etc. He makes me feel safe.

What do I do?

Our weight isn't some sort of random attribute, unlike, say, having a big nose - it's an indicator of how we live and often our mental health. Taking this on in a new relationship is unwise to say the least.

Another thing to consider, is that at 25 stone this chap will probably not be around for that much longer, and will be virtually housebound before long. Is that really something to get involved with when we barely know someone?

Would you describe yourself as overweight or obese? If so, could you both go on a lifestyle change / weight loss programme and support each other? It's good that he's starting weight loss meds. Sounds like he's motivated.

Yes. There is imminent death to consider.

Honestly this thread is the gift that keeps on giving 😂

It doesn´t matter if he is Mr Universe, if you´re not attracted to him, you are not attracted to him end of. Yeah, he´s nice, so perfect for friendship, but not a romantic relationship. Why do you question yourself?

Probably because he was counting on her feeling bad and 'being kind' when he told her he was overweight rather than being severely obese.

I think you are just taking it too personally tbh

I’m all good, thank you.

I find 2nd hand fat hysteria genuinely funny.

The lack of honesty would be the deal breaker for me. He obviously didn't send you any up to date pics.

Not sure I agree. I've been fat myself (not as fat as this guy, but still big) and I know it puts some people off. I'm thinner and married now, but back when I was single and fatter the last thing I'd have wanted would have been a pity relationship or even a pity shag. Bigger people need to feel desirable to their partner just the same way thinner people do.

I don't see the problem with the guy describing himself as overweight. Who is going to say they're morbidly obese prior to meeting? It's akin to saying you have health issues but not wanting to go into what they are. I'd be surprised if anyone declared they were obese tbh. It would be obvious at the meet and then the hope is usually that the other person would look past their size. Obviously in practice that doesn't always happen.

No. You see all the time about how a guy will post an old picture and then he rocks up and he's older with less hair and maybe some teeth missing, or shorter than he said. It's lying! Basically catfishing. You see it on here here even 'urgh what a timewaster' 'why do they always lie etc' Why is weight different? He's not obese, he's severely obese.

Ok so if you were online dating would you have told them you were overweight when really you were this big?

I completely agree with your last sentence, so it makes sense that you would be honest and upfront, (IMO)

My 3xxl man cheated on me .. his extra sociable character was a magnet to some women and his ego lapped it up.
Its quite insulting to suggest slimness is an indicator for cheating and abuse .
A man can be an arsehole whatever his size!

I wasn't actually suggesting that, rather that when we choose partners on character not looks, the relationship tends to have longevity.

It is possible to be overweight and not nice, but OP has told us that isn't the case here.

It’s fine and normal to want to be attracted to a partner.

Its also fine to recognise that if someone is 25 stone, which is massive, then it’s likely to impact on your relationship, activities, travel, increased chance of certain health issues, impacts on sex life etc.

I think a romantic relationship needs a basis of mutual attraction.
This doesn't mean that people are only attracted to slim, gorgeous people, although on average more people will be

Only OP knows if she's attracted to him or not. If not it's a non starter.

Ok that’s a fair point x

Didn't she say she is and his size doesn't turn her off but she was thinking about other issues?

Why is that awful? Why do you feel bad about not being attracted to someone who is unhealthy? Why do women hold themselves to such saintly standards in a way that most men don't??

At this point, he has a serious medical condition.

You're probably right. I guess hats off to her for thinking practically though.

Forget the health issues for a minute. Do you fancy him yes or no?

If you don't then really don't date him.

Has anyone else ever noticed that men are never told to give a 'unattractive' woman a chance 'because she's really nice' or 'she has a great personality'. Yet women are. ALL THE TIME.

I don't know if it's because 'its a man's world' or because women are seen and portrayed to not have a sex drive or be sexual beings and therefore it 'shouldn't matter'. Fuck knows.

But regardless of weight, do you actually physically fancy him?

Tbf I agree he didn't do himself any favours playing down his true size, deceit is never a good start to a relationship. I met my DH via OLD and was quite big at the time (as was he) and shared recent photos as did he, I wouldn't have seen any point in trying to make him think I was slimmer than I was. OP's date did mess up on that score.

Hmm..obesity is complex and not yet fully understood. You are making some presumptions here. Whilst I'm sure many of us comfort eat (due to psychological reasons), the level of eating to cause obesity may well be due to a variation in the POMC gene which is involved in satiety...which might explain why some people keep slim effortlessly whereas for others it is a constant struggle not to overeat.

I'm sure you wouldn't dream of telling op not to date someone who has lots of tattoos - and yet you could say that people who feel the need/compelled to 'ink themselves' have underlying psychological reasons for doing so.....so I don't think we can judge people either way...otherwise we wouldn't date anyone on the planet. We're all human and fallible....

I'm dating someone who is somewhat overweight. He's more concerned about it than I am. My take on it is I fell for him at this weight. I've not known him any other way, but happy to find out what it's like with the slim version, if he wants to lose weight. If you like him, be open about it all. If his size means you don't fancy him then...don't date!

It's a definite no from me! That would be an absolute deal breaker