Potential partner is very fat

[BetsyB0O]

We met online. Chatted for a few months before meeting up cause he was living out of the area.

He did tell me he was overweight but he is much more overweight than I thought. Probably over 25 stone at a guess.

He says he’s starting on weight loss meds soon.

I know this sounds awful but the weight is an issue for me. Not all to do with appearance there are other issues. Like he is restricted in movement due to being heavy and this obviously would cause issues say if we wanted to travel etc. Then there’s the other health risks.

I feel really awful and shallow. He is perfect in other ways. Kind, funny, etc etc. He makes me feel safe.

What do I do?

It’s so boring, yet you choose to stay. 🙄

You are not physically attracted to him, so be friends you like him. And if in the future for whatever reason you begin to become physically attracted to him, then the relationship will evolve.

No, 25 stone is in the can’t do stuff category

If I were 25 stone, I hope my husband tells me to lose weight. I certainly would tell him.

He sounds CUDDLY, @BetsyB0O and on the way to being hot.

Yes I feel awful as well.

Weight is a fecker. I get more men interested in me now I’ve lost weight and that’s just life I guess.

I couldn’t continue with him. It’s purely a physical attraction thing. We all have preferences

I’m not trying to shame him.

Im Unaware of previous posts because I don’t regularly use the forums.

I don’t know.

I was 17st when my husband asked if “we” should go on a diet. And still 17st when I divorced him.

Because whilst having a BMI of 42 was obviously bad, I don’t recall signing ownership of my body over at marriage. Whether it was a large body or not.

I get the fat thing. I was - tho I didn’t reliese how fat I had got till I now see pics of me 3yrs ago and think wow.

I knew I was overweight. But didn’t see myself as fat but I was over 17s

now 10.7

but if you like him give him a chance

plus send some men over to me - not a sausage in sight 😉

If this was a guy messaging about a girl being obese I suspect the answers would be entirely different! 🙄

In what way? Relationships are hard enough without coming into them with low expectations, whether you’re male or female.

Wow. What a horrible thing to say - that daring to like someone fat is having a low expectation! You fall in love with who you fall in love with.
Don't get me wrong - I also would probably find this a deal breaker (being a bit shallow regarding looks) but I still stand by the fact that if this was man saying this about a potational relationship with an obese woman there would be an uproar on MN

I wouldn’t in your position OP but that’s because I’ve lost a lot of weight myself this year and part of my success was because my DP supported me and joined me in getting fit and lost weight himself.

My DP had gained weight at the same rate as me which has happened a few times over the years with both of us indulging a bit too much and slowly gaining it without realising, when it happens one of us ends up pointing it out and we work together to lose it.

We both ended up gaining a couple of stones each in the past year and it made me miserable but I was really struggling getting motivated to lose it.
My DP signed us up to a gym and we go together and go running and hiking now and both love it and being so physically fit as well as slimmer.

I’d worry that if I was with someone really obese that it would cause me to fall into bad habits and being less than 5 feet tall a two stone weight gain had a huge impact on my health - I was struggling to walk anywhere, had high blood pressure and plantar fasciitis and psoriasis.
My Apple Watch constantly gave me “low fitness” notifications and my doctor bluntly told me I was at risk of diabetes and other health issues.

I was also seriously depressed about it and my self esteem was on the floor and my sex life was non existent because I was so unfit it was physically an effort (that’s so embarrassing to admit) and I refused to let my DP see me naked.
Being overweight isn’t just about appearances but can have a big impact on health and lifestyle and I’d worry constantly about being with someone so overweight and the risks it brings.
I’d never judge anyone for their size and know how easy it is to gain weight and how it’s so hard to lose but I would prefer to be with someone who encourages me to stay fit and healthy rather then be with someone who becomes an eating accomplice (as awful as that sounds!)

You might find your support has a more positive effect and that you can encourage this man to lose weight and do active things together, if you really like him then you could start as friends and see if that works out and see how compatible you are without getting too committed.
If you aren’t completely attracted to him though I think the kindest thing is to not get into a relationship or you might find yourself getting frustrated with him living a different lifestyle to you when you’ve made such big changes yourself and worked so hard.

Whatever you choose it’s fine not to want a relationship with anyone for any reason.

i think you’re being very reflective to consider what a long term relationship with him would mean in reality - potential weight related sickness, inability to travel easily & continuing health issues which could impact on you.

maybe in time if he looses weight you will be attracted to him. In the meantime you could have found a great friend

@BetsyB0O Like he is restricted in movement due to being heavy and this obviously would cause issues say if we wanted to travel etc.

A man who is 25 stone and so overweight to the point that movement is restricted, and he would have difficulties travelling to another country, would have to be very short.

Anyway, if he is a nice person, why not help him lose weight? Being a good person is the most important quality for any male or female partner. Weight is a modifiable factor.

No one can help anyone else lose weight really. Everyone has to do it on their own if they want to.

How tall is he? Is his mobility really bad at the moment? I'm just thinking, maybe with your support and the jabs, if you two give it a go, he'll feel happier in himself and more motivated? He could be a physically different man in less than a year but his funny, caring personality will still be there.

It's up to you, would giving it a go for 6 months be worth it? He's aware his weight is an issue, that's a good starting point, for him. Yous are able to discuss weight and not skirt around it, so that's another positive. Do you need to decide today? For me, well, my advice to you, give it 6 months. See if he's dedicated to getting fitter and healthier. If his personality is clicking with yours, What's to lose?

You don’t need to ask Mumsnet what to do.

If you don’t find obesity attractive (I don’t either) then just don’t date him 🤷‍♀️

When I meet my now-DH he was at his heaviest (120kg give or take) ever. He was so nice that I overlooked it (despite waking up early after the first time we'd slept together and thinking "he's fat and farting, what have I done?!"). Fat people know they're fat.
He was the most interesting, kind person I've ever been out with. I kept him.

Yes, I don't disagree, but every single person comes with a risk of them having "inconvenient" health issues. And actually I was most unwell with a BMI at the very bottom of healthy. Admittedly I have never been over the top end, but still, it is far more nuanced than bigger bmi equalsbigger health risk,

Please don't waste the opportunity for a relationship with someone lovely OP.

They aren't in endless supply (hang about here fifteen minutes if you want proof ...)

In this situation, I would go on a couple more dates. I'd see how I felt (or how he made you feel) on those dates, and if the attraction side suddenly kicked in, it has for me in relation to not caring about things I did care about before.

I think that way, you have opened yourself up to the possibility he might be right, and that other factors might (not intending this as a joke!) outweigh his weight.

If after a couple more dates, you are feeling more friend than lover, then let him know that. I'd also kiss him, again, you may have amazing chemistry once you do, or you might think, he's not for me.

Trying to assess someone's suitability for life or if you have great chemistry isn't something you can decide on one date, usually. I'd not say do I want a fat life-partner, as he hasn't offered that at this stage- say would I like to see him again? If the answer is yes, do. Until you don't. Then let him know. No need to angst about the whole thing. If his weight is such an issue you don't want to see him even one more time, move on.

This is such a strange thread. You seem to like him a lot, he seems to want to lose the weight - why not just see where it goes? Just go on a few more dates and see if there’s a genuine connection, and if he can hold his end of the ‘bargain’ (e.g., not just weight based, but see if you are a good match in all the things that matter - getting the ride is part of that!).

That’s not what I’m saying. It is possible to fall in love with and be attracted to a very overweight person.

The point is that OP has reservations at this very early stage. Hence my view that coming into a new relationship with low expectations is not a good idea.

And I think you’re wrong about a woman getting different advice. Some would tell her to lose weight, some would say she deserves a chance, the same as what is being said about this man.

In fact, I think women get body shamed for obesity more than men do.