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Original poster

Potential partner is very fat

286 replies

BetsyB0O · 13/07/2026 18:57

We met online. Chatted for a few months before meeting up cause he was living out of the area.

He did tell me he was overweight but he is much more overweight than I thought. Probably over 25 stone at a guess.

He says he’s starting on weight loss meds soon.

I know this sounds awful but the weight is an issue for me. Not all to do with appearance there are other issues. Like he is restricted in movement due to being heavy and this obviously would cause issues say if we wanted to travel etc. Then there’s the other health risks.

I feel really awful and shallow. He is perfect in other ways. Kind, funny, etc etc. He makes me feel safe.

What do I do?

OP posts:
OMGDidYouSayThat · 15/07/2026 13:57

@BetsyB0O it’s your choice who you choose to spend your time with, let him down gently and move on…

Badbadbunny · 15/07/2026 14:16

EvieBB · 15/07/2026 10:28

Hmm..obesity is complex and not yet fully understood. You are making some presumptions here. Whilst I'm sure many of us comfort eat (due to psychological reasons), the level of eating to cause obesity may well be due to a variation in the POMC gene which is involved in satiety...which might explain why some people keep slim effortlessly whereas for others it is a constant struggle not to overeat.

I'm sure you wouldn't dream of telling op not to date someone who has lots of tattoos - and yet you could say that people who feel the need/compelled to 'ink themselves' have underlying psychological reasons for doing so.....so I don't think we can judge people either way...otherwise we wouldn't date anyone on the planet. We're all human and fallible....

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Of course some people will avoid people with tattoos. I'd never "date" someone with tattoos as I find them deeply unattractive and personally can't understand why anyone would mutilate themselves in such a way. We all have our red lines. OP is perfectly within her rights to have being grossly overweight as her red line. Just the same way that some people won't date a smoker. Likewise a social drinker may not want to date a teetotaller etc.

BauhausOfEliott · 15/07/2026 14:25

EvieBB · 15/07/2026 10:28

Hmm..obesity is complex and not yet fully understood. You are making some presumptions here. Whilst I'm sure many of us comfort eat (due to psychological reasons), the level of eating to cause obesity may well be due to a variation in the POMC gene which is involved in satiety...which might explain why some people keep slim effortlessly whereas for others it is a constant struggle not to overeat.

I'm sure you wouldn't dream of telling op not to date someone who has lots of tattoos - and yet you could say that people who feel the need/compelled to 'ink themselves' have underlying psychological reasons for doing so.....so I don't think we can judge people either way...otherwise we wouldn't date anyone on the planet. We're all human and fallible....

Show quote history

If the OP didn't like tattoos and had reservations about dating a heavily tattooed man, I would absolutely tell her not to date him - and I'm speaking here as someone who has loads of tattoos.

If someone was concerned about either the appearance of or the motivation behind my tattoos, I wouldn't expect him to want to date me.

Why do so many women on Mumsnet think you have to 'settle' for someone you don't fancy or who has traits you find unattractive just because they seem nice? The fact that in this case the issue is weight is neither here nor there. It could just as easily be tattoos or height or table manners or job or anything else. If something feels like an obstacle you have to force yourself past before you can imagine dating someone, don't date them. You can find someone better.

friedaklein · 15/07/2026 14:39

EvieBB · 15/07/2026 10:28

Hmm..obesity is complex and not yet fully understood. You are making some presumptions here. Whilst I'm sure many of us comfort eat (due to psychological reasons), the level of eating to cause obesity may well be due to a variation in the POMC gene which is involved in satiety...which might explain why some people keep slim effortlessly whereas for others it is a constant struggle not to overeat.

I'm sure you wouldn't dream of telling op not to date someone who has lots of tattoos - and yet you could say that people who feel the need/compelled to 'ink themselves' have underlying psychological reasons for doing so.....so I don't think we can judge people either way...otherwise we wouldn't date anyone on the planet. We're all human and fallible....

Show quote history

I so disagree. I would never date anyone with lots of tattooes. Surely that's my prerogative? I don't care if people think I am shallow. There are literally millions of men with no tattoos, and who are not 25 stone. I have been married to one for 30 years.
People are allowed to date whoever they want without being pressured to be kind.

Bimblebombles · 15/07/2026 14:50

I think I'd be concerned about the "trauma based eating" part of it.
Life will throw us all challenges and difficult times over the years, and if his response to stress is to eat, and if he lacks healthy coping strategies, his eating / psychological issues are going to rear and up relapse perhaps throughout his life.

I wanted someone whose lifestyle would fit with mine. Like my idea of a great time is an early night with a film on Friday, and then up and go and do Parkrun together and go brunching / walking round a city all day. Walk in nature and a pub the next day. That's the kind of thing that makes me feel good, makes me feel like I've made the most of my weekend and lights me up. Being sedentary and overeating would just make me feel shit.

Its not just about someones weight, its how they like to spend their free time. And even if he had WLI and lost lots of weight, if his fundamental habits / lifestyle doesn't match your's then its not going to last.

friedaklein · 15/07/2026 14:52

Bimblebombles · 15/07/2026 14:50

I think I'd be concerned about the "trauma based eating" part of it.
Life will throw us all challenges and difficult times over the years, and if his response to stress is to eat, and if he lacks healthy coping strategies, his eating / psychological issues are going to rear and up relapse perhaps throughout his life.

I wanted someone whose lifestyle would fit with mine. Like my idea of a great time is an early night with a film on Friday, and then up and go and do Parkrun together and go brunching / walking round a city all day. Walk in nature and a pub the next day. That's the kind of thing that makes me feel good, makes me feel like I've made the most of my weekend and lights me up. Being sedentary and overeating would just make me feel shit.

Its not just about someones weight, its how they like to spend their free time. And even if he had WLI and lost lots of weight, if his fundamental habits / lifestyle doesn't match your's then its not going to last.

Yes, I am a big walker and traveller too. Anyone who can't keep up is not for me. However kind they are.

shuggles · 15/07/2026 22:06

@friedaklein No one can help anyone else lose weight really.

Why write something that's very clearly not correct?

BeMintBeaker · 16/07/2026 14:37

Why all the angst over this. He catfished you and led you on for months. The weight loss injections just another false promise to lead you on.
This happened to me last year on a dating app, but I'd only been talking to him for a couple of days.
He turned up and was as wide as he was tall and also had rotten teeth.
I realised his photos were only of his face and not smiling so I should have asked to see a better photo.
I was annoyed afterwards though that he hadnt been honest about himself. I like big burly men but morbidly obese is different and they do know this but choose to not tell you.

Gwenhwyfar · 16/07/2026 16:55

Why would the weight loss injections be a false promise? Lots of people are on them now and they work.

GreyCarpet · 16/07/2026 18:16

Gwenhwyfar · 16/07/2026 16:55

Why would the weight loss injections be a false promise? Lots of people are on them now and they work.

I suppose the thinking is that someone who was serious about it would be able to say that they were on the jabs rather than they were planning on starting them soon.

The road to Hell being paved with good intentions and all that.

plsdontlookatme · 16/07/2026 21:34

You're allowed to not be attracted to someone for any reason. I'm not attracted to men who are skinny, very hairy, or shorter than me. That's my prerogative. It's funny how it's only shallow for women to have physical non-negotiables, isn't it?

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