Potential partner is very fat

[BetsyB0O]

We met online. Chatted for a few months before meeting up cause he was living out of the area.

He did tell me he was overweight but he is much more overweight than I thought. Probably over 25 stone at a guess.

He says he’s starting on weight loss meds soon.

I know this sounds awful but the weight is an issue for me. Not all to do with appearance there are other issues. Like he is restricted in movement due to being heavy and this obviously would cause issues say if we wanted to travel etc. Then there’s the other health risks.

I feel really awful and shallow. He is perfect in other ways. Kind, funny, etc etc. He makes me feel safe.

What do I do?

Started dating a guy 2 years ago, when we met he was 26 stone. He did wli lost 9 stone. We split up but nothing to do with his size.

It’s fat-shaming in general! Almost every fucking day, there’s one or another goading thread started, fat shaming in one way or another.

“AIBU to think DH needs to lose weight?”
“My fat SIL comes for dinner and has massive portions”
”AIBU to not like when my fat friend comes in and plonks herself down on the sofa…”

These are just examples of the type of threads that are written in such a way that certain types of posters will come on and agree, saying further derogatory things eg: “How fat is your DH, OP? 11 stone!?!?! Omg that’s massive, does he need a crane to leave the house?!” - Ok that last one is paraphrasing, but you get my gist. It’s all done to:

1. Fat shame and hurt people. Why? Their own insecurities and twisted pleasure; the same reason some children bully others. Also there are a LOT of people out there (trust me) that DESPISE overweight people. Yes, really…. Usually men but many women too.
2. Do the above in such a way that any non-overweight MNers won’t catch on. Only those who are seasoned at being fat shamed & insulted on a daily basis by strangers purely because of their bodies, notice it because for us, it’s a daily occurrence.

My DH was 22 stone when we met. I thought he was great and funny and good looking and we were friends for four years, but it wasn’t till he posted on FB that he had lost some weight that I realised I fancied him.

He was 19 stone when we got together and he’s now 16.5 stone but was 15.5 stone at our wedding three years ago. We’ve had a tough time financially in the last two years, which is why he’s heavier, and he could lose another three stone. But I adore him. He’s very supportive and kind and funny.

I’m not saying look past the weight if it’s important to you, but look through it to who he is as a potential partner. It would have been a mistake to reject my DH because of his weight.

Omg no the thought of it, i think having sex with a morbidly obese man would be like a wardrobe falling on you with the key stuck out!
My vagina has just shrivelled and closed at the mere thought of it!. No thank you,not for me!!

Case in point ^ 🙄

And again ^

This is why I say when you meet someone online, meet within 2 weeks or it’s disappointing when you meet them in real life and invested so much time. 25 stone sounds obese.

I think this is less about being overweight and more about lacking attraction; you can’t force that. If you’re not attracted to him but he’s great in every other way then he should be a friend. You need the attraction and for whatever reason, it isn’t there.

Dealbreaker for me - I’ve never been attracted to fat men.

Out of interest what would you do if 3 years into a relationship your dp started rapidly losing his hair?

Just no, he iz not ready to date

This is excellent advice.

Why should I?!? I’ve got just as much right to be on this thread as you do!

What are you, 9?

I wouldn't be happy myself its not shallow its just the standards you hold .
If he is really overweight and taking jabs this isn't the start to a relationship you want or I wouldn't.
His weight is obviously an issue to him if he is talking about weight loss jabs.That needs to be sorted and someone looking after themselves before they start dating to me its like oh she might accept me as I am then saying about the jabs because he knows his weight is a problem.
Nah move on your person will be somewhere one day x

Agree. There was a thread deleted yesterday for ‘thin’ shaming the Princess of Wales even though OP and many posters expressed health concerns. This isn’t even that - purely about appearance. It’s just you’re really nice but you’re fat.

If you aren't physically attracted to him, then you aren't physically attracted to him. Nothing you can do about that.

“Bubbly.” I reckon he’s bubbly.

See also - funny, confident, great personality, lovely smile. Or “would be handsome if x stone lighter.”

I think it’s more ‘I’ll think about a romantic connection when you fit my aesthetic.’

Yep, all of the above. The hypocrisy of some posters supporting this is unbelievable. Imagine a man posting the same.

Rubbish. It’s not an aesthetic it’s a lifestyle

No it's not. It's helping a friend achieve a goal they want while evaluating whether a romantic connection even develops. She likes him and said that they appear to get on well together. They also seem to be able to honestly talk with each other. What's the harm in exploring something this way? The OP has some very specific things she would like to be able to do, things the potential friend supposedly would also like do but currently cannot due to excess weight. It's not fat-shaming, nor would such a relationship be shallow.

Tell that to my thin brother and sister.

Neither of whom have ever encountered a gym, do not exercise, and have instead been blessed with a wonderful metabolism.

That’s not a lifestyle, it’s a biological lottery.

They got my dads (or rather, won) and I got my mums (lost).

We have the same lifestyle, and wildly different bodies.

It’s expected bullshit.

If any of these women were with men who told them to lose weight so they could be more attractive to them, I would hope they would rightfully chuck him in the bin.

How is that fat shaming though? It’s factual. To become morbidly obese you have got to have an unhealthy relationship with food. It’s okay to not be attracted to that.