Potential partner is very fat

[BetsyB0O]

We met online. Chatted for a few months before meeting up cause he was living out of the area.

He did tell me he was overweight but he is much more overweight than I thought. Probably over 25 stone at a guess.

He says he’s starting on weight loss meds soon.

I know this sounds awful but the weight is an issue for me. Not all to do with appearance there are other issues. Like he is restricted in movement due to being heavy and this obviously would cause issues say if we wanted to travel etc. Then there’s the other health risks.

I feel really awful and shallow. He is perfect in other ways. Kind, funny, etc etc. He makes me feel safe.

What do I do?

In her op she said it’s not all to do with appearance and there are other issues…which means it’s part of the issue. I also mentioned other impacts. His weight would be an issue for a lot of people. 25 stone is huge.

No I wasn’t fishing for this kind of response so please don’t make such accusations.

What an absolute bummer.

Like someone up thread said, to maintain that sort of weight takes a lot of constant over eating, and psychologically there are reasons that compel him to do it, which would concern me.

Could you take it real slow and see him as a friend to see how his weight loss pans out?

@BetsyB0O
He wasn't completely honest with you which is potentially off-putting. There's a difference between being "overweight" and being a weight that restricts what he can comfortably do.

I notice you have said he will be starting weight loss injections "soon".
Maybe he will do and will restore some of his health. Or, he might try them but hate the side effects and his weight will stay the same or increase over time.

You could slip into a practical caring role gradually doing more and more for him. Would you be ok with that?

The most competent lover I've ever had (it's quite a large field) was obese. We sort of drifted apart, but one of my reasons was that I got fed up of avoiding positions with him on top - he squashed me!

I get your concerns, OP, and understand your dilemma. Since he does seem to want to slim down and we now have drugs that work, I'm inclined to say hang in there and see how he does with the jabs. There's strong evidence that they improve health outcomes independent of the weight loss so, all being well, he could end up very much fitter.

Wishing you both luck.

@SpaceCat87Aren't you a delight?

It doesn’t ’sound awful’ - it sounds like a reasonable reaction from you. This would be a no from me, I am an active person and don’t take my health for granted so I would struggle to find common ground or many shared activities. I worry about the long term effects of GLPs.

I’m surprised (but not a lot) that he has so many good qualities going for him, yet you’re fixated on his weight. Weight is a thing he can change. He’s said he’s ready to work on it. Slim guys who are arseholes will have much more difficulty changing their essential poor character than he will laying off the carbs. They’ll probably remain arseholes. You are being unreasonable to dismiss him (with all his great qualities) without giving him a chance and supporting him in his weight loss. But if that’s your deal breaker, go ahead and hope your next match doesn’t judge you harshly for some reason. Which would honestly, be karma.

🤪🤪🤪

I don't think that's unreasonable. A romantic connection isn't going to work out if the OP doesn't fancy the man, unless they were both happy with a sexless relationship - nothing wrong with that if people are, but I am assuming they're not.

It’s not ‘awful and shallow’ at all. Not many people are going to find a massively obese person attractive. It’s perfectly reasonable.

Well, if he's now back in town, there's nothing to stop him getting started on WLI. If he's as nice as you say, maybe keep casually dating him and see how serious he is about starting WLI and if he sticks to it.

I know 2 people who are in relationships with significantly obese people. One wasn't too bad just overweight when they met but over the years he became morbidly obese. They now have kids and it's really impacted what they do as a family. He doesn't do any outdoor activities or go out alot, no football in the park, playing outside with the kids. He's very self conscious and slightly embarrassed. They are working together to do something about it. I think he's started weight loss injections.

The other has completely overhauled is life and is now really toned and fit. He's bit of a fitness fanatic which is bit of an issue in itself sometimes as he can be quite fussy with food and sometimes will refuse to go out to eat out or get a takeaway.

Overall, both men are very decent and good people. Their partners are attracted to and love them for who they are. The obesity has affected their relationships in some ways but it's not the defining factor.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not fancying someone despite them being kind. He isn't the one for you and that is ok. Weight and eating and diet and activity and hobbies are all intricately linked.

I am very active and full of energy. I am on the go all the time. Love to cook and eat but generally really healthy. I can't imagine being attracted to someone who is obese as I can't imagine us being able to do many of my hobbies together. And Equally I know I would be off putting for lots of men because I am quite scrawny with loose skin and I don't like processed food and am a pain because I am vegan. That is all ok.

Be a supportive friend but if you don't want to be intimate with him now it isn't a great start to anything.

There are plenty of men who are not 25 stone, and also not arseholes. Plenty.

I wouldn't date a smoker or an excessive drinker either. Obesity is the same. It's a serious health condition. And it's ok to not want to take that on at the start of a relationship.

It’s ok to just be friends

Not comparable. I was talking about obesity not being at the top of a healthy bmi.

OP, are you quite new to OL. Because it's really common to meet people through OLD who tick some of our boxes but not all.

It's better not to message for too long before you meet, because it creates a false as enae of intimacy, and you can't actually know whether or not you are attracted to someone until you meet them in person.

You just have to tell this guy he isn't for you. He deserves someone who will be whole-heattedly into him. And he sounds like a great guy so I am sure plenty of women will .I am quite attracted to bigger guys myself, lots of women are. I'm fairly slim muaelf, but it's just a preference I have - I'm certainly unlikely to be attracted to someone too slim. But each to their own - attraction is very personal.

I am disgusted by those who have seen this thread as an opportunity to spew their bile against bigger people. One said it would "repulse" her to date someone overweight. Well, it would repulse me to date someone who spoke about other human beings like that!

It doesn’t sound shallow. You’re allowed to not be attracted to someone AND he can still be a nice person. I wouldn’t go for seriously overweight either. I have family experience of that mentality being connected to over spending, immediate gratification etc. It’s complicated but it’s not just appearance. I also won’t go near a smoker and have just never been attracted to blondes. You’re allowed preferences.

I don’t understand all the hand-wringing. I know loads of people with wonderful qualities and I enjoy being friends with them. People with lots of good qualities are not in short supply.

Not wanting a romantic relationship with someone because you’re not that physically attracted to them does not make you a bad or shallow person. Nor does not wanting a relationship with someone because of logistical reasons or financial reasons, or, as I saw in another recent thread, because they’ve had a past addiction issue.

Hold out for someone who ticks all your boxes.

Chatted for a few months before meeting up
He says he’s starting on weight loss meds soon

Why didn’t he start a few months ago? What stopped him then, what stops him now and are they the same things that will stop him ‘soon’?

People who want to do things will do them.

A perfectly reasonable reaction.

If anyone is even slightly serious about health and fitness, having an obese partner will cause problems and conflict.

There is nothing good or attractive about obesity, and as well as it being restrictive in practical terms and a cause of serious ill health, it invariably indicates psychological issues.

When I was using online dating, I had to abandon several possible matches after seeing their actual size. One managed to conceal it until we met, and although good company was unable to walk all the way around the outdoor venue we had met at. We didn't meet again.

Best avoided all round.

WLI don't work for everyone. It's not guaranteed that he goes on them and becomes a normal weight.

It can be hard when you meet someone who ticks nearly every box but there's something about them that puts you off. It doesn't matter what it is.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who looked at me and thought I was great except for this one thing that was a part of who I was whatever that thing was. Especially if it negatively impacted in their actual attraction towards me and caused them to question what their quality of life would be with me.

Get to know him better in person if you like before making a final decision. After all, that's what dating is all about.

But don't settle for someone hoping that something about them that is important to you wil change. Because that's not fair on either of you.

I don't get why you feel awful?
He lied and wasted your time. He said he was overweight and he rocks up severely obese. Maybe he was counting on you feeling bad?