Potential partner is very fat

[BetsyB0O]

We met online. Chatted for a few months before meeting up cause he was living out of the area.

He did tell me he was overweight but he is much more overweight than I thought. Probably over 25 stone at a guess.

He says he’s starting on weight loss meds soon.

I know this sounds awful but the weight is an issue for me. Not all to do with appearance there are other issues. Like he is restricted in movement due to being heavy and this obviously would cause issues say if we wanted to travel etc. Then there’s the other health risks.

I feel really awful and shallow. He is perfect in other ways. Kind, funny, etc etc. He makes me feel safe.

What do I do?

Keep on scrolling if this thread is too boring or offensive to you. 🤷‍♀️

I like to be healthy for myself. I like other people to be well because it is nicer for them too.

And me.

Hardly a character flaw though, right?

Because all the things you’ve just described are an issue for that person, and not you. It’s not your thighs rubbing together, so really, not your problem.

I would take a hardworking, kind and respectful person with chub rub, over someone who judged others for things that don’t actually make them a shit person, any day.

Only you really know OP, no one should judge you for not continuing to see him, at this point in a relationship it isn't shallow to have a preference, but you sometimes need to look past the surface, IMO online dating is terrible for it's 'revolving door', there's always a next, and a next .. so it's too easy sometimes to always have one foot out the door.

I'd judge this more on why he is overweight, what does he do day to day, does he work? is he active? does he live alone and take care of himself, or does he do a desk job and eat junk every day, while living with his parents.

If he lives a sedentary lifestyle, you may find he is also lazy in other areas of his life, he may be looking for someone who will pick up the slack where he can't, or if it is trauma based overeating he may have issues that he can work on, and will be successfully with the right support, but he should be doing that for himself.. saying he's going to go on weight loss jabs to me is just a line to keep you interested, and a bit of a red herring, as is telling you it's down to trauma, it's low level guilt tripping, if it was that important to him he would have addressed it or be doing something about it already.

You don't have to decide straight away, you can get to know him a bit better before making a decision on anything, you'll soon know if your lifestyles and values are comparable.

YANBU, you are allowed to not to date anyone for whatever reason you want.

It's one of the few situations where equal opportunities do not apply. You can choose to not date someone because of their looks, weight, colour, race, religion, nationality. Any reason at all.

and if they loose hair 2 years into the relationship, would you dump them? Just curious

Online dating is like treating the real people behind the pretty image up front as shop windows. It's way too easy to dismiss people as too Tory, too fat, too old, too young, and never ever to bother asking questions. I am sooooo glad I am old and still meet folk in the wild.

It is a character flaw because he doesn't care about himself enough to change.

I’d forget it now whilst you’re not attached. Personally it would be a deal breaker for me!

😂

That’s my response. Genuinely.

DH had a lovely head of hair when I met him; 40 years later, he's fairly bald. When does baldness make you bale out?

Start a thread about him on a large website that is trawled through daily by the Press for rage bait stories about things such as obesity.

That'll help.

Last message was for @Dragonscaledaisy !

Ok 🙂

We are talking about a relationship here which I assume would be physical, so things like being breathless, red raw thighs, fat rolls, sweat are something you would have to deal with daily. Huge stomach. Being unable to have sex, being sweaty and breathless. They are not shit person, of course, but this is physically very unattractive.

I would also point out that this guy is not looking for a large girl himself. He wants a slim one.

You dont have to date anyone you dont want to.

Personally, I lead a very active/fit lifestyle so it would be a huge turn off for me and also, I do not find men being overweight remotely attractive (many people do though).

It's fine - I am tall and some men dont like tall women so thats the just the way life is- no point getting petulant about it. You and him both deserve partners who find you sexy and attractive. If that means you arent compatible then so be it, no need to feel guilty about it!

Sorry, but the idea that obese people don’t care about themselves is hilarious.

It’s far (far) more complicated than that.

It's not that simple.

When you 're with someone, their discomfort affects you. You can't enjoy the walk whilst knowing they are hurting.

I would take a hardworking, kind and respectful person with chub rub, over someone who judged others for things that don’t actually make them a shit person, any day.

Oh FFS - not this again. Its NOT either/or though is it?

The world isnt divided up into overweight people who are all saintly and wonderful OR slim/fit people who are all cruel and horrible FGS. Overweight people can be arseholes just as much as slim people can 🙄

I don't think it's allowing fat shaming. We all know what a healthy body looks like. I actually think we should be more judgemental, because a healthier population would mean a much cheaper NHS.

Well he obviously has issues.

Why not give him a chance?

Physically unattractive to you.

I don’t know how to break this to you, but fat people have sex. We just wear shorts to prevent the chub rub, we go on holiday, we work, go on family days out, we have partners and families, I’m taking my fat (but shrinking) arse on holiday twice in the next few months.

We still, you know… live.

It’s absolutely okay to not find someone attractive for whatever reason you don’t find them attractive. But there’s no need to get so insanely elaborate and personal about it.

I don’t like short men, you don’t like fat men. Each to their own, but what is unique to the “I don’t like fat people” brigade is how much you don’t like them and how invested some people get in that preference.

We all have our own deal breakers and that’s fine.
do what is right for you.