Potential partner is very fat

[BetsyB0O]

We met online. Chatted for a few months before meeting up cause he was living out of the area.

He did tell me he was overweight but he is much more overweight than I thought. Probably over 25 stone at a guess.

He says he’s starting on weight loss meds soon.

I know this sounds awful but the weight is an issue for me. Not all to do with appearance there are other issues. Like he is restricted in movement due to being heavy and this obviously would cause issues say if we wanted to travel etc. Then there’s the other health risks.

I feel really awful and shallow. He is perfect in other ways. Kind, funny, etc etc. He makes me feel safe.

What do I do?

It was him who told me he was going on the injections. He wants to lose weight.

How old is he?

I probably would not pursue the relationship unless there were sparkles. But as I am probably much much older than you, please may I say that if the relationship were allowed to take off and succeed, then you also need to understand that health issues do matter and physical condition is a factor. I have been married for almost 40 years, and my DH has had serial complicated heart health issues for more than 20 years. I love the man to bits, so I have coped with all the anxieties and the terrors, and so far the NHS has been more stupendous than I have words to describe. But we are 70 now, and I know that there will be another crisis that he doesn't survive. I don't know where or when, but there will be one. I try very hard to make DH live a fairly healthy life and he mostly does but his family medical history doesn't bode well. So we make the most of today!

"He clearly hasn’t been told that his weight is off putting and that WLI may help that?"

He's already decided to go on the WLI so he obviously already knows that his obesity is off putting to some people or he finds it off putting himself.

If weight is already an issue for you then there’s no point pursuing it.

The WLIs are only temporary fixes and most people will put the weight back on.

It’s extremely likely that when someone is morbidly obese, they will always struggle with their weight.

This is fine for many people but if weight is an issue for you then you need to be realistic.

I don't think it's the same as being bald or a bit short or whatever, because those things don't stop your partner joining you in active pursuits, or kill them young.

The other difference is that being extremely large like that is a clear indication that he's got some sort of pain and trauma, and realistically it's more fun and less complicated having a relationship with someone without deep-seated issues.

Finally even if he does lose the weight, he's likely going to have loads of loose skin that OP might find offputting.

Unless you said “okay good, I think I’ll find you more attractive then,” he doesn’t have the full info.

I can well understand why you wouldn’t, that’s probably quite an offensive thing to say.

But I do think that attraction being dependent on weight loss is a shit way to start a relationship.

For a start, a lot of people put it back on, so what then if he does? He might lose weight and actually prefer himself bigger.

It’s alright to not be attracted to someone. I just wouldn’t start a relationship with someone I didn’t like how they were.

I would hope it’s because it bothers him. More for his sake, really, I think doing it because you think your weight bothers other people is a terrible state of affairs.

It’s depends whether your attraction to him outweighs (pardon pun) his weight issue. Only you can decide that. But if the weight is a deal breaker leave the guy alone and let him move on as well as yourself.

If his weight is an issue for you then you need to end it. Continuing isn’t fair on either of you and I wouldn’t want him to think there’s a chance of a relationship if the chatting continues. It’s not being shallow in having preferences to what you’re looking for in a partner.

I was in a relationship with someone significantly overweight and I can tell you that if you feel like this from the off it's not going to work. I wanted it to work but I wasn't attracted to him and I wish I'd been kind enough to realise this straight away. I told myself the spark would grow. It didn't. Don't feel bad, you can't force yourself to be attracted to him.

We had a frank discussion around it and I stated that he should lose weight for himself. I said that it would be a good thing all round. One of the main things I would like to do is travel. And being very obese and travelling have restrictions.

What a ridiculous set of replies. You're not physically attracted to him. Keep looking till you find someone who has all the good qualities you described and whose clothes you also want to tear off.

YANBU at all. However, do you definitely know he has problems re mobility. My brother is about 25stone but still plays rugby for 1st team and wouldn’t have a problem with a hike. Planes are a squeeze but not a big problem.

It would be a dealbreaker for me. I know this is harsh but letting yourself get to that size must mean he has some serious issues (and I don't mean physical ones)

I mean, we do all sorts of things to be attractive to other people. As long as we're not having operations or doing potentially harmful things, I think it's all good. For example, I colour my hair because I think it looks better coloured, both for me and for others.

I mean, we do all sorts of things to be attractive to other people. As long as we're not having operations or doing potentially harmful things, I think it's all good. For example, I colour my hair because I think it looks better coloured, both for me and for others.

OP you’re also not taking into consideration other things as well.

As @SpaceRaccoon said there is likely trauma.
And also when you go travelling if you want to enjoy different foods, that might be difficult if he’s trying to lose weight or has an ED and will struggle going to restaurants etc.

I think many people look better bigger but anyone who has a bad relationship with food can be quite difficult when it comes to things like travelling.

I wouldn’t date someone who is very fat. I’d struggle with physical attraction, and I like to be active and go gym and stuff even though I’m fat myself, but not to the extent it impedes the enjoyment of life

I’ve never needed one, but I believe most obese people get a seatbelt extension or a second seat.

Perfectly doable, lots of people do travel with their obesity.

I’m not 25 stone, in fairness, but I take my fatness on holiday all the time.

Obesity to that level doesn’t happen accidentally. It’s an illness, and WLI are definitely a support, but if he ever came off them - there’s every chance it would go back on.

My DH is 6'5" and burly. He's overweight, but not obese. We've been a couple for 40 years, and I was hotter in the early years too, and have had breast cancer. I think you survive health crises better as a couple, but you have to forge the solid bond first, and sex is a large part of it.

Of course we all have our preferences and rightly so, however how would you feel of your partner lost his hair as he got older which happens to lots of men?
People who are overweight can lose the weight but there’s not a lot a man can do about going bald.

Mad to think that someone would not want to be so big/would not feel positive about being so big that they cant walk a few steps without being breathless. Never mind all the other stuff - chafing thighs, fat rolls, sweat, not being able to get off the floor by themselves if sat down.

More generally, and without digressing too much, I don’t think anyone should do anything physical for anyone else’s benefit.

We are the owners of our own bodies, hair, clothing preferences. I think people should accept someone for who they are, or fuck off.

It’s an ethos that’s worked for me so far!

OP, you are not a charity. You have to fancy a person if you want a relationship. Being with someone because of pity is cruel.

If he is so nice you can look past the weight - go ahead. If you can't - nothing wrong with that, either. The guy must know his weight is an issue, a bit overweight is fine - obese is not.