Potential partner is very fat

[BetsyB0O]

We met online. Chatted for a few months before meeting up cause he was living out of the area.

He did tell me he was overweight but he is much more overweight than I thought. Probably over 25 stone at a guess.

He says he’s starting on weight loss meds soon.

I know this sounds awful but the weight is an issue for me. Not all to do with appearance there are other issues. Like he is restricted in movement due to being heavy and this obviously would cause issues say if we wanted to travel etc. Then there’s the other health risks.

I feel really awful and shallow. He is perfect in other ways. Kind, funny, etc etc. He makes me feel safe.

What do I do?

So what if he does care about himself, but has another reason for his obesity?

Is that more acceptable?

This. If you don’t find him attractive, tell him, ideally be gentle about it.

I did not mean it personally. You asked, I answered.

Of course larger people have relationships and have sex and live their lives. But, as with your comparison, its ok not to be attracted to whatever body shape/ type - its natural.

But I do apologise if I sounded offensive.

Just to add - I'm on the weight loss journey ATM so probably a lot of this is self hatred. I hated being obese. Here, I said it!

That would be me off. Its not being shallow.

I thought this response was a bit ridiculous when I first read it, given that the OP didn’t say anything horrible and that there’s a near zero chance that he will ever see this. Upon reading the replies you are completely right and I am disturbed by how much people care about a strangers eating habits.

Imagine thinking someone’s weight has any impact on their personality or ability to be a loving partner. Sad, closed minded Mumsnet as usual.

For me personally, no. If he has trauma (I watch a LOT of my 600lb life and there are always issues from childhood) and that's the reason for his weight, that he clearly hasn't worked on, then I wouldn't want to deal with that. If he has obesity for health reasons, then I still wouldn't find him physically attractive but yes I guess then it wouldn't be a character flaw.

Yes you do sound awful. You yourself was fat. You lost weight. Well done

he said he is going to go on jabs. So give him a chance if the rest of him you like

I have a long standing acquaintanceship, he's 10 years younger than me, and we have always flirted, in words, no action. But he's now obese, and I tell him so, and he just responds, and you are old!

Yeah me too. 2 stone since March, which I’m pleased about.

But I guess the difference is that I can see how and why someone becomes so overweight - because I did and was for a very long time. It helps see from the fat perspective.

I still am, really, but I do think it’s a shame how much better I’m likely to be viewed for losing it.

From personal experience I would also be concerned about the trauma. Is he going to address that? If not I would run for the hills. My DP was became morbidly obese as a result of trauma. He is a lovely man and also very funny etc but it has been one hell of a journey and if I was single I would go nowhere near a man with trauma who isn't getting it dealt with.

If you like him apart from the weight, it might be worth giving it some time as there's a very real chance the weight loss meds will turn things around.

Exactly!

It'd like be dating the food police.

I don't think a relationship has great chances of working out when it starts with wanting someone to change tbh. No guarantee of him starting WLI, them agreeing with him, keeping the weight off etc.

@Slightyamusedandsilly I get both dimensions. I look after my DH by controlling what he eats at home. I make sure he has lots of delicious healthy food choices and not many options to eat crap.

Just concentrate on the positives for you )) The only reason I decided to start losing weight is how shit I felt - my whole body, my knees, my uncomfortable fat belly... I feel so much better 6 month down the line / 20kg lighter.

I have nothing positive to say about reasons I became overweight. There are no justification. I know it was depression/ menopause/ stress but really - I simply let myself go! I thought I was OK and looked fine. Until I wasn't.

I'm not even that poster but this is a bizarre take, why on earth would it be weird to rule out Prince William? He's hardly god's gift apart from being balding, is he? Just a pretty normal looking 40 year old.

I don't think your reaction to his excessive weight is unreasonable. If you genuinely like him as a person and have already been honest with him as to why his current weight would put you off being in a serious relationship with him, could you perhaps not just continue exploring a friendship with him, perhaps one that supports him through his weight-loss journey? Have not just in your mind, but vocalise to him, that you'll re-evaluate the nature of your relationship with him when he gets to a more manageable weight that would enable you both to travel and be more active? That way you will get to know one another better before diving into a romantic relationship and he may be inspired by having your support as he loses weight. Good luck to you and him.

It's fine if you're providing him with cooked meals. As long as you don't criticise him if he sits down at some point with a bag of crisps and some chocolate.

Yanbu that’s not just overweight it’s basically disabled

I’m amazed at some of the replies. 25 stone is huge. I don’t think you should tell him, just say he’s not fit you.

That did come out wrong, because it sounded anti dating disabled people which isn’t how I meant it! But I mean saying he’s overweight is trivialising things at 25 stone because there are many things he can’t do, physically , because of his weight problem and he should have been more up front.

Then sadly, he isn't a potential partner. You can't help who you're attracted to, and being unhealthy and so severely overweight is not attractive. It's a shame as he sounds lovely, but better to not start it than to waste your own time and months/years down the line realise you can't force the attraction anymore. I wouldn't really feel bad, either, as he said he was 'overweight' knowing that was morbidly obese. Catfishhhh

He likely is in some way disabled by it.

I couldn’t walk a mile without having to sit down at least 4 times, for quite a while. I couldn’t run after my son in playgrounds. The impact on my knees even from standing at a gig, for example, was horrendous.

And if obesity is recognised as a health condition (which it is) then it stands to reason it would be debilitating or disabling at its most severe.

I don't think I would want to seriously start dating someone just starting on WLI. WLI work really well and once he loses a lot of weight he might just want to enjoy the benefits a new body will bring him. There is no way I would want to put myself in a position to potentially fall for someone, who might decide a new dating pool is more fun in a few months time. Not that it sounds like you would have that dilemma anyway. If you enjoy his company then by all means continue spending time together but not as dates. I would just wish him well on his journey.

25 stone isn't just overweight. It's grossly overweight to the extent of being double a normal weight, and the result of a serious eating disorder that he may never beat. It's perfectly OK not to be attracted to that. It's almost like if he doesn't care for himself, how are you going to be able to.

And I say this as a bigger lass myself.