Potential partner is very fat

[BetsyB0O]

We met online. Chatted for a few months before meeting up cause he was living out of the area.

He did tell me he was overweight but he is much more overweight than I thought. Probably over 25 stone at a guess.

He says he’s starting on weight loss meds soon.

I know this sounds awful but the weight is an issue for me. Not all to do with appearance there are other issues. Like he is restricted in movement due to being heavy and this obviously would cause issues say if we wanted to travel etc. Then there’s the other health risks.

I feel really awful and shallow. He is perfect in other ways. Kind, funny, etc etc. He makes me feel safe.

What do I do?

If you’re not attracted then you’re not attracted. You cannot force things. Just explain that he is perfect but you’re not physically attracted to him. If he loses weight in the future then maybe that could change.

Those people who are saying that the OP IBU, do you not think it’s acceptable that people have physical preferences in who they do or do not find attractive? Is that not allowed?
And those saying “skinny people have health issues too”, do you think they are being unreasonable worrying about the potential health and mobility problems of a man who is clinically obese, when obesity is one of the leading causes of cancer?
Is it likely that someone over 25stone would comfortably be able to do a long hike, or easily spend a weekend walking around a city on a break?
Some men find seriously overweight women attractive. Sone women find seriously overweight men attractive.
But lots don’t. And that’s ok.

I actually just meant the fact it would cause problems in a relationship you’re already in, with a man you love, is sad.

Funnily enough my ex husband had an issue with my weight, and is now my ex husband. My current fiancé had no issue with the same weight, and I’ve lost nearly 2 stone so far anyway. Because as the owner of my own body, I decided to.

As I said. It’s one thing having an issue with a current partner gaining weight, and quite another to start a relationship with conditions.

He sounds lovely Give the WLI a chance to work?

I have found being scooped into bear hugs very attractive.

He’s giving you a bullshit excuse.

Well, I’m talking about extreme weight issues if he isn’t willing to help himself, then yes, it would cause problems. I don’t find that sad, I find that honest. I’m talking about extreme weight gain and not to do with like a health condition or medication or something

For me it wouldn't be the appearance but the restrictions, if he can't walk much, won't fly, doesn't go to the cinema because he doesn't fit easily etc that would be a problem for me, I like to be busy and active. I used to have a colleague about 25-30 stone he was a lovely guy, very good at his job (working with very vulnerable people so showed lots of empathy and compassion as well as his professional skill) , he was well read, funny, sociable. His weight was a massive restriction for him he couldn't walk up the stairs at work (one flight) had to take the lift, his knees were shot, he got out of breath and sweaty easily, his car suspension also needed to be replaced twice in different cars in the 10 years I knew him, both times drivers side and his car would creak as he got in. He also died at 50 due to obesity related health conditions. It was such a loss, he was a fantastic human. He was older than me so we would never have dated anyway but I could never see myself dating someone who.i couldn't share the things I enjoy in life with.

How tall? My DH is twenty stone but he's 6'5" and an ex basketball player so very muscular.
I was twenty stone through ill health.

What is the reason he's bigger? Medication or trauma?
Has he always been big because it's rare. I lost six stone purely to help my mobility. Is he trying?
Kindness is worth a hundred times someone's beauty but I get you might be looking for attraction.

🎯

And on the off-chance this is a genuine question, if he is fabulous in every other way and you reject him for that, op, don't come back whinging when your slim Jim substitute has cheated or is abusive or bores you mindless after the initial sexual frissons have worn off.

Superficial is a word for a reason, and it has meaning.

Hang on! I’m not fat shaming for a start

And. Attraction is not just about looks for me. I am attracted to him as a person. He’s ace. We get on so well.

Im more concerned about the restrictions that weight can bring and health issues. I thought I’d said already.

That is quite an extreme level of obesity, unless he is also extraordinarily tall? I think you need to be honest with yourself and let him down gently. I wouldn't mention his weight at all when breaking it off. You can't stay with him simply because you feel bad about the weight being an issue.

Actually the fact that he's planning to go on the jabs soon might change things for me. They seem to really work for most people so he really might lose all that weight.

So would I actually. And not so much the baldness, but the lifestyle!

But it's not about you, it's about the person who's been talking online to OP and clearly does want to date her.

One of the thinnest people I know has breast cancer. Go figure.

I think that was the point wasn't it?

And why shouldn't it?

Disability cramps lifestyle and travel as well, but you'd see a lot of people getting cross if someone was being rejected just for being in a wheelchair.

Sometimes they choose it of course, but sometimes the weight is put on later when they're already married with children.

He clearly hasn’t been told that his weight is off putting and that WLI may help that?

If, once he had that information, he decided to continue then that’s a personal decision.

But it’s not one he’s currently able to make, and personally I don’t think other peoples opinions or preferences should ever be a reason to change yourself.

The wli is allowed for obese people because obesity comes with HEALTH CONCERNS. Being slim doesn't. That doesn't mean you won't get hit by a car tomorrow but atleast you have done everything you can to be healthy.

I dated a guy who was overweight. Not hideously so but definitely different to when he was younger and with a definite big paunch which almost travelled ahead of him. Pure greed, he ate a lot of bad stuff. He lost a tiny bit of weight when he did Ramadan (he wasn’t Muslim). Total irony is years before he’d played American football in America (from England) and was incredibly fit then. All he did nowadays was walk, no other fitness. We didn’t last long. When we first met I wasn’t attracted to him (not just because of the extra weight) and I should’ve realised then that we shouldn’t date, but I gave him a chance. Nice enough man.

It’s absolutely fine to not be attracted to someone because of literally any physical attribute, yes that includes weight, and even more so when it is also a health issue. You don’t need to justify yourself.

Yep. I am repulsed by excessive tattoos and long hair on men, so that's a no for me. No doubt some men are repulsed by me too. All fine really. Dating is not an equal opportunity arena.

No I’m not wanting to trigger anyone.

Ive lost 5 stone over the last 3 years. I empathise with those who want to lose weight. It’s a bloody pain in the arse.

His weight gain is trauma based. I think he’s always been a big guy but has put a lot on due to a number of reasons.

We went out yesterday and it was a really nice chilled day. We were laughing all day. I just worry that if he remained as big as he is it would affect a relationship. I’m just in a muddle.

I’ve dated nice looking arseholes so I am aware that there are often issues no matter.

He's said himself he wants to go on the WLI.