There We Are Then

[mummy917]

A follow on from my previous 3 threads; “my husband said he wanted to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided”.

They will go away if she can prove he no longer lives there

Yes, that would fit with @mummy917's approach so far and I understand the rationale but I think there has to be a limit. Eg if there are 6 sets of uniform in total and OP's paid for them all and yet has none at her house then enough is enough. I was just making the point that in proper co-parenting it is not difficult to manage with a very limited number.

I agree with previous posters that reminding him about school uniform now is likely to work out better for you. You could start off with ‘I don’t think we need to get duplicate school shoes for DC, given how fast they grow, shall we get one pair & split the cost? They are usually about £x so if you send me your share I will get them next week. Also it’s easier if you get school uniform now rather than last minute. They’ll need x, y & z at your house as per school website.’

As for the potties, ‘update’ him tomorrow with how well they are doing & remind him to get potties. But take yours when you drop them off, breezy comment about how you have to take the potties everywhere with you. When he admits he hasn’t bought them ‘omg what are you going to do? You’d better borrow mine for now but bring them back with you.’ Obviously he will ‘forget’ so you still need to buy new ones but I think that’s better than buying them for him from the outset.

it's quite infantalizing to have to keep helping him out hes a groun man. But what else can you do.

Hmmmm, very interesting. Clearly parked in an area he wasn’t familiar with or decided to change it. With our favourite TWATOO it really could be anything. I still think there was likely an affair involved but you might never know. Were there any signs when you were together? Spending more time outside of the house? Late returning home or in the morning, suddenly ramping up going to the ‘gym’ or out with ‘friends’? Secretive with phone?

I think you’ve said before it would make it easier if so and I get that because I’d be the same. The lack of any real reason has probably made it so much harder to get closure. He changed into a totally different person before your eyes. It’s such a shitty way to behave.

He doesn’t need reminding because then the OP would be controlling.

After all he’ll get a parking ticket, then realise he needs to change the address for his licence and car.

Won’t he?! 🤣

Unfortunately I think you will be paying for sometime for your disobedience last Friday. How very dare you not be at his beck and call. Unfortunately I think you are in for a rough ride as he seems incredibly bitter and also pathetically useless. It’s like he’s blaming you for having to look after his own children, when this is actually what he wanted. Over the next few weeks I imagine the kids are going to want to go to his house less and less and actually start vocalising the fact they don’t want to go. I can’t imagine it’s an overly great atmosphere whilst they are there, being with a father who would rather not have to parent.

I’ve made him aware that he has the parking fine and I woke up to a message saying “I’ll get it on Wednesday”. I’ve text him back telling him he needs to sort out changing his address so no further ones come to my house.

Yeah I suppose there were signs of cheating while we were together. He’d go to his friend’s houses for a takeaway and to watch the football but then sometimes wouldn’t get home until 1-2 in the morning and a few times while we were in the process of separating, he didn’t come home at all and stayed at his mum’s apparently. He’d go to the gym 2-3 times a week as well as once a week to his friends. He was quite precious with his phone and I’ve never known the pattern to unlock it but I never thought I had a reason to. If he was cheating, it’s just another telling sign that he had zero respect for me as he couldn’t be honest about it. But I’ll never know. He’s not stupid enough to let someone crawl out of the woodwork just yet either.

One day he’ll wake up and realise what he’s lost, however by that point you won’t care and will be wondering what you ever saw in him in the first place. You and the kids deserve so much better. He’s a midlife cliche, he sounds like a lot of hard work. If he is seeing someone, kids are observant, your son will figure it out. Things will be left around the house, or your son will read something whilst borrowing his phone.

🤣 we can but hope!

OP, tell me to STFU if speculation about an OW is unhelpful, but after the stunt he pulled on Friday, I did start to wonder whether he’s got together with someone he’s met online who lives further afield. It would explain his desperation to keep ‘his’ Fridays free, explain why he was unable just to drop the harnesses round (apart from the obvious pre-existing reason that he’s a selfish arsehole) and now the parking ticket. It would even account for why he’s booking his tattoo in your free time - he’s not in the area during his. If this is the case, he’s even more of a sad, risible cliche than we all thought. You really were wasted on him, and once your heart catches up with your brain, you are going to be so glad that you’re free of this ridiculous twat.

I started returning any mail to sender for my ex husband . I also cancelled the car tax DD which I’d asked him to sort out on numerous occasions but was still coming out of my bank account . There we are then

I don’t mind people speculating. After all, I’d probably be thinking the same if this had happened to someone else.

I’d had suspicions before when he wasn’t coming home till the early hours and when he was staying at his mum’s 🙄. The parking penalty from a different council has made me even more suspicious that something like that is happening though. Although he’d never admit it.

Yes, I really do just need my heart to catch up to my head and the rational part of my brain now.

The more the time is going on, the more it seems like a typical midlife crisis but he also thinks he’s above having anything like that.

@mummy917 - re the parking fine. I’d be careful re just giving him the parking notice as he’s capable of ignoring it and doing nothing. You then have no evidence if they keep chasing you for the fine. If it’s come to the DVLA or a private company I think you must contact them saying he is no longer at this address and giving them his new address. If you Google it there is useful info as to which course of action to take. If it’s the DVLA you can write to ask them to confirm the vehicle is no longer registered to your address. Again I’d copy everything including the parking fine that has arrived.

Even without any possible evidence, I have wondered about an OW, as very few men leave a marriage unless a new partner is lined up.

Also, we all thought all the visits to his mother were a bit suspicious.

@mummy917 how embarrassing for him though being such a walking cliche.

Of course you will find it very hard not to keep sorting out everything for the kids. But yes, that is a habit you need to break, as soon as possible.
You need to get to the stage that they travel between houses in just the clothes they are standing in, no luggage or bags packed, and no equipment being passed between houses.
In the meantime, I understand you feel the need to send him reminders, and bail him out if it is a matter of safety. But the sooner it stops the better.

There is no need to bail him out over uniform.

Definitely do this. You don't want anything to do with his fines.

My friend contacted DVLA because her ex was getting parking charges to her address - she said they were incredibly nice and understanding too.

Predictably, the dots are starting to join up.

He couldn't afford fuel for the short drive to your house but miraculously has enough to drive further afield when it suits him.

It would be very unlikely there isn't another woman. Since he insisted he was spending all those evenings with his mates, it was highly suspicious that not even one turned up to help with the move. That speaks volumes, they either know and are not impressed or, they've hardly seen him and have no idea what is going on.

If the first day of school is his day or the first day he has to take them to school he won’t have collected them from school, then he will have to have uniform for them as he won’t have had the chance to steal ops. I’d consider trying to pick them up and change them to make it really clear, you are No Longer the wife/fairy godmother

It doesn’t look great does it and definitely more and more likely that he’s been up to no good. Sadly though I know I’ll never get any proof unless it accidentally lands in my lap somehow.
The first day of school falls on a Wednesday here and is his day, but I’ve already put a day of annual leave in so I can be there as it’s also our 4 year old’s first day of primary. As they’ll be staying with me on the Tuesday night, I’ll be the one getting them dressed for school that day.

Just thinking re the supposed barbers appointment. If true, maybe it was further afield which is why he wanted to drop the kids at 7.

Seems quick for a penalty notice to come through if he only got it on Friday. It was through my letterbox yesterday morning.

Ah, I didn’t mean re the penalty notice, just generally that there is somewhere else that he is going. But who knows.