There We Are Then

[mummy917]

A follow on from my previous 3 threads; “my husband said he wanted to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided”.

Unfortunately labelling things doesn't really help because of the days where they wake up in one house and end up in the other. You are still relying on him to return 'your' things to you. My ex used to hoard clothes and every year or so would deliver multiple bin bags full of tons of clothes, often now too small. It cost me a fortune in buying more and more clothes to make up for the missing items. These 'men' will never, ever carry any of the mental load. Imagining a rosy future where they suddenly step up is just a waste of your own emotional energy ime. I'm many years ahead of where you are now OP and still dealing with his bullshit.

I have just had a chance to catch up on replies and have taken everything on board 😊 I am going to tell him everything he will need at his house in terms of school uniforms, so he has no reason to say he didn’t know what they needed or anything.

I wish I could trust now that he will step up and figure things out on his own around what the kids need, but I still feel that’s a long way off as he partly just can’t be arsed.

On a positive note, the twins have done amazingly with potty training today! Boy twin is more than ready and girl twin has done little wees and a poo on the potty. It’s been chaotic to say the least but so glad it’s started properly now 😊

50 /50. = He needs to do & pay for half the costs/work.
Its early days but I agree with Acrossthepond says, he will do as little as he can.
Either you give him a heads up re uniform or he will not supply it. Its always been your job. He has no idea.
You cd send message:
“Btw, Do you want me to buy the school uniform, or are you intending to buy yours ?, if so you do you will need to send X. before I purchase yours. fyi I am buying mine when there are special offers. Anyway, its up to you”

Congratulations OP, this is great news! The achievements of you and your lovely DC are what really matter in the end, and it’s good to let them take up your headspace rather than the pathetic shortcomings of Twattoo 😊

@mummy917

I wish I could trust now that he will step up and figure things out on his own around what the kids need, but I still feel that’s a long way off as he partly just can’t be arsed.

I'd say it's 25% can't be arsed and 75% a control thing. God forbid, but if you 'fell off the face of the Earth' tomorrow I have a feeling that he'd somehow manage to find and buy what the DC needed (or his mum would 🙄). As long as he's not forced to step up, he's going to enjoy every moment of forcing you to do what he should be doing. He knows it's anathema to you to let the children go without anything you feel is necessary. I know I sound like a broken record, but it's up to you to break that chain. Or you'll be paying for everything for the DC for the rest of your life at least the next 20 years, if not longer.

I don't think it's a bad idea to give him a list of what he'll need and when, as long as that list ends with "And I am NOT buying two sets of items. If you don't buy your own for your house, then the DC will have to go without at your house or at school/nursery on your days. And the DC and the school/nursery will know the reason why" or words to that effect.

We're all behind you, op. I woke up during the night wondering if it'd been mentioned to you, but it's worth doing a benefits check for your new circumstances.

https://www.entitledto.co.uk/benefits-calculator/Intro/Home?cid=fbb51add-37d2-48fd-9200-800d2a83c6ab

I agree with this. Then he can’t complain about you not being reasonable. It would be his choice either to sort it out himself or for you to buy it and agree to pay half. It’s all about being reasonable, being seen to be reasonable and get it in writing. Also, you made the right decisions with potties etc. so keep trusting your gut decisions. We are here for backup.

Well done and try to be breezy, even when things get tough and keep enjoying your children. They will notice that you want to be with them and they will come to you and trust you for the rest of their lives.

These are all things that he has never had to do before, or even think about, because you did all of it. Everything just magically dropped out of the ceiling, right?

No if I tell him about the uniforms then he can’t say anything about not knowing or being skint etc. I sent him a message about an hour ago about them and he hasn’t responded but I didn’t expect him to. He doesn’t get in touch when it’s not his time with the kids and that’s fine. The kids haven’t seem fussed either.

A parking penalty notice did come through my letterbox this morning for him though and I must admit, I did get a little kick sending a breezy message making him aware he now has more money to pay out 🤣

I hope the parking penalty was for a time he was either getting his tattoo or his haircut!

I didn’t open the letter, I just saw in the little window on the envelope that it said it was a parking penalty and the council he’d need to get in contact with to pay it 🤷‍♀️ oh well, there we are then

And the council he needs to pay it to, isn’t our local one either 🫣

Well, well, well. What has been up to in a different area?!

Please steam the envelope open … so we have a date and a time of the offence. Could be useful evidence …

Make sure he’s changed his address with DVLA or you’ll be getting all his fines in the post.

Nope not a good idea.

Is this the same man who argued he couldn’t afford fuel for a short journey in his car?

Hahaha yes this is the same man who had to preserve his fuel 🤣

I’ll never find out why he was there; must’ve been there a while to get a penalty notice though!

School uniform is not something that affects the DC's health or safety, so there is no need to bail him out over it.
Just let him fail, and tell the school to take it up with him if they go in without correct uniform on his days.

@mummy917 I really hope his recent behaviour is helping you to realise that long term he has done you a favour. He comes across as abusive and very controlling and just not a very nice person. Without his deadweight holding you back, in time life will seem so much lighter and your children will thrive having a happy Mummy. You genuinely come across as such a nice person and you deserve so much better than Twattoo.

I’ll be honest, I would find it hard not to sort things out if he sent the kids into school without what they needed or what they should be wearing. I know it’s a habit I need to break but I’ve been so used to it, it’s like autopilot.

The way he has been over the last few days has certainly helped me to look at the bigger picture and that this has probably been for the best. When I talk about him now, it’s like I’m talking about a stranger. I literally don’t recognise him at all.

He really is daft, isn't he. Most people in their 40's are capable of following parking signs, paying for sufficient time, etc.

There We Are Then!

Parking notice should be a reminder to him that he needs to change his address, get a new license with his new address, alert his insurance company his address his changed and where he keeps his car, etc which could lead to a higher rate for him .. fun fun fun

Yeah, he might need reminding to make sure all relevant bodies have been informed of his new address. I’d give him a month’s grace, then start returning everything to sender, with ‘not known at this address’ marked on it. It’s all part of giving him his freedom, after all.

Will OP get bailiffs if he doesn't pay the fines?