There We Are Then

[mummy917]

A follow on from my previous 3 threads; “my husband said he wanted to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided”.

I think it could be frustrating providing these things and I understand why people are saying dont, but I also absolutely understand why you do. The potties are for continuous potty training and are for the kids and the value of getting him to stump up £10 is just not worth putting the potty training behind. The harnesses again, its just not worth the battle to have them be unable to go out.

But I think where you can draw a line you should, because he is repeatedly not putting the kids first and his willingness to be selfish will again and again cause you to have to cover his selfishness and laziness and at some point you will need to hold firm in order to try and sort that. But I am sure you will know the right time to do that, where the biggest impact is to him and not the kids.

Would it work for you both have to the right amount of uniforms?

I understand from the threads (you are doing amazingly by the way!) that he is going to claim he has no money to buy uniform but you are expected to buy uniform and so should he be.

I totally get the potties even though it's totally wrong of him but I understand some battles are not worth fighting, been there for quite some time sadly.

Uniform wise I wouldn't send more than what your child is wearing that day, though I know if he doesn't hand it back it will add up. If he finds it hard to keep on top of washing then it's his responsibility to buy them.
I appreciate the worry of your child going to school without uniform, but that's only going to reflect badly on worse person and that's him.
He could have taken you up on the offer right at the start to split the clothes and he chose to be tricky.

You truly have been amazing through all of this and you have held such dignity which is something he can never say.

I will be making sure I have enough uniform here for the kids come September (I have already ordered their specific school stuff they need to have so only need shirts and shoes for the eldest 2. I will tell him nearer the time that I expect he has his own uniform for them to be kept at his house.

At the moment it just doesn’t feel like potties and the backpacks are worth the battle and I’d rather just buy them again so I know they have what they need. However you are right and there will come a time where I do stand firm with him when I feel like it’s something that can’t be just dismissed as easily.

We had two sets of everything to make it easier on the kids, and for uniform etc I bought name tapes in two different colours and different pictures. So for example things belonging to your twins at your house have blue name tapes with teddies on, at STBEH they're red with flowers on. That way the kids can easily see their own things, and there are no arguments between parents as to who bought what.

That’s such a good idea! Do you remember where you got the name tags from?

@mummy917 the kiddo space do clothes stamps and I think you can customise them .

I use Easy2name for those sort of labels. Or a stamp with kids names in 2 colours.

While you are planning back to work stuff dont forget to update HR who your emergency contact details are (not him!) and your NHS pension beneficiary (not him!).
Good luck

I am a Cash fan! https://cashsnametapes.co.uk/

a) you should have asked for the full amount
B) you should assert that anything he doesn’t return has been “lost” and you must be reimbursed the full cost of replacement
c) never send anything again that is expected to come back

Hipi name labels are great!

oops, sorry, I meant Jess (not Jees) runs for survivors, on Facebook, all in ine word: she gives good advice on how to deal with her manipulative ex husband with regard to their children. I think you are doing brilliantly, OP, especially with such young children and twins! Your ex sounds very selfish and immature to have given up on such a young family.

He didn’t even fight for his young family, because he very clearly didn’t want that life anymore. I’ve had a look at Jess before and found some stuff useful during this.

Just wanted to say, @mummy917 , that I think you are doing a brilliant job of picking your battles.
Harnesses and potties are essentials for your children, so you have put that first, over trying to make him buy them. He has no excuse for not continuing the potty training that at least one of the twins is ready for.

You have, as you have always done, put your children first.

We all know that for him, his DC are not a priority. His tattoo, his hair cut, his (fill in the blank) are.

Your DC are so lucky to have you. 💪

School uniform will wash and dry overnight in a warm airing cupboard and even outside it in the Summer due to the high synthetic content. He has no reason to be keeping multiple sets at his place. My DH and his ex managed perfectly well with 3 sets between 2 households. If he starts accumulating it send the kids to school in their PE trackies and tell the school to direct their complaints to There We Are Then.

Despite reading all the threads with this ex revealing exactly what kind of bloke he his - I was gobsmacked he turned up at 7am when you’d said no! What an absolute tool. Yes it’s a shame he can’t be a better human for his kids but at least they do have supermum

When he is behaving like he, he will absolutely be a pain in the arse with uniforms. Seperate sets seem sensible when things aren’t amicable.
It’s the kids that then pay for the petty games being sent to school in PE kit, it’s not really affecting him is it?

I find it hard to believe how petty this man is what a tool

@mummy917

As far as the potties, I think you could show up with 2 dozen and he's still not going to carry on your training. Firstly, because he's going to find it easier to put them back in nappies and second, because he is petty and you are being 'controlling' in 'demanding' he continue to potty train.

The backpacks are a safety issue (my DC had 'harnesses' back in the '80s) so it's very understandable that you'd want to be sure they were available. But what are you going to do if he shows up for a handover and 'forgot' his? Give him yours (again)? Because him 'forgetting' (on purpose) is a measure of his controlling ways and he gets great satisfaction from forcing you to give him things and then not giving them back or paying for them. It's not the money or the things themselves, it's control.

I've always said that you must do what you feel is the right thing. And if buying 2 potties and two leash-backpacks for him feels right to you now, then that's what you do. But please keep in the back of your mind that in doing so, you are creating a 'precedent' in his mind that he doesn't need to do/buy jack shit because you will if he doesn't. And that the longer you do so the more firm it will be in his mind that it's your job to be his 'quartermaster'. As a result once you're fed up with doing it, it's going to be very hard to get through to him that he needs to step up, and as a result in his mind you will be even more 'controlling'. I'd suggest that now that school's out and there's no uniform or school supplies to worry about, it's the time to start backing off.

@mummy917 I wouldn't wait to tell him about school uniform. Tell him now, specifically, what he needs to buy so that he doesn't have any excuse nearer the time that he can't afford it. Tell him now and he has at least 6 weeks to come up with the money/buy the uniform.

Agree with what you have said already. You are doing brilliantly but just remember mattresses and even potties are single things but your children will grow and need bigger clothes so although you can give him current clothes he will need to buy more going forwards that fit or you will end up constantly funding him.

Another idea is to play it cloyingly sympathetic every time you see him.

"I'm so sorry things aren't working out for you. Money worries are so stressful aren't they? I can see you're really down about it. Don't be too hard on yourself that you're not doing well right now. Maybe in a couple of years you'll be able to get a better paying job. Don't give up hope" etc etc.

He might start paying for stuff just to spite you and to prove how well he's doing after the split!

Ref the school uniform, I'd give him the heads up now so that he has TWO paydays - end July & end August - to buy his share. He has managed to budget £400 for his tatoo on 4th September so is quite capable of planning ahead when it benefits him.

Alternatively, this gives him ample time to arrange a credit card or loan. Don't give him the opportunity plead poverty again. This is the reality of 50:50.

Was going to suggest Jess! Also Nataliespeakingout on instagram.

The problem is that all of these plans to cover the DC's needs means he is still not doing any of the mental load. OP is still having to think ahead whereas he should be doing that, about uniforms, summer holidays, Christmas presents, birthdays, everything. Otherwise he is nowhere near "50/50". As soon as you can OP, leave him to figure it all out and he can get what is necessary - that's what his being a parent is, his choice, he wanted independence.....I imagine you feel caught though, if you have to remind him of essentials for DC's sake.

Yes, I recognise/understand that @GreenCandleWax - but in this instance, not telling/reminding him allows him to get away with the excuse that he can't afford the uniforms. Then @mummy917 will end up buying them anyway. Reminding him now is the lesser of two evils!