There We Are Then

[mummy917]

A follow on from my previous 3 threads; “my husband said he wanted to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided”.

I agree with Daisymail, he is running rings round you by making sure you have to buy everything double for the DC so he doesn't have to purchase anything for them during his time with them. Effectively you are paying everything for EIGHT kids by constantly having to double up for four!

OP - Note to self, no more lending anything - DO NOT LEND THE POTTIES!

Yes and be careful what you send in future. Things like the backpacks ask him to buy and you transfer half. Do not lend anything. He will looking to you to provide all their xmas and birthday presents from "mum and dad".. Beware

@mummy917 I’m curious, did he ask where you were at 7 in the morning?

The thing I wish I'd done was to not sweat the small stuff. The constant back and forth hurt me more at that time I think on reflection. So the harnesses are a good example - that's his revenge for you not being there this morning. Just buy more, but going forward, anything where you only have one set, it doesn't get sent. You'll win the battle then and the war. He won't change, you can become indifferent to him in time.

There are lots of threads on here where mums have learnt to send the kids with only the clothes they are standing up in and generally just low cost basics like leggings and t shirt from primark as if sent in good clothes or with anything else it doesn’t return to you. Now you know. Don’t send anything with them in the future and decline to provide it if asked.

You have bought new back packs for your twins, you may as well buy him two potties as well. He will never learn while you pick up the slack when he behaves like a complete tosser.

Hey op don’t feel awful this is on him he’s trying to control you even now he’s ruined your life. He disrespects you. Op also I get you need the harness for twins but I think you need to stop buying duplicate he should have brought them back or asked his mother to drop them off by buying again your enabling him just as you would have if he was at home. The guy is a loser he moves the goalposts to fuck your mind but your not letting him he can’t bare this because he thinks your a pushover but he doesn’t realise his leaving has made you stronger and even more resilient to him.

Seeing what has happened with the backpacks, I would NOT give him anything for the dcs.
If he needs it at his house, he’ll have to buy it. That’s the potties, clothes, sleeping bags, whatever else it could be.

He sounds like the type who will just keep everything the DCs come with on the ground that ‘he forgot’ or ‘his mum needed them’ letting you pay for everything twice.

Please stop bailing him out. If he needs stuff what is stopping him fixing the problem like a grown up & paying for the kit.

I’ve read all the threads. You sound ace and you’re doing just brilliantly.
But I have to ask, what did you ever see in this absolutely shambolic excuse of a man? He is just useless. What kind of person can’t provide a potty to their little children?
And glaringly, he is the controlling one. There would be no use in pointing it out to him though; he is completely delusional.

Going forwards just know that anything you send you highly likely won't get back.

• Stuff you need
• Nice clothes
• Stuff that makes life hard if you don't have it
• Anything of monetary or sentimental value. 😔

Don't send anything you can't afford to never get back. As the kids get older his shitty "forgetting/losing" of their things will be noticed by them. It's shit like this that makes kids realise their parent is a there we are then.

So glad you went out!
I wouldn't have answered his phone call though either tbh. I'd have stuck to messaging so it was in writing. Curious if you watched the doorbell footage of him realising you weren't home.

You could let him know where to buy cheap potties that cost less than the price of a haircut but if you do he'll just accuse you of being controlling 🤦and if you send potties they won't come home.

B&M have potties for £2.50.

Asda less than £5.

Very also have them for about £5. He could order and then pay for them when he's paid.

But that would all involve him adulting/active parenting.

He knows perfectly well that op will send anything he needs.

Check out the page « Jees runs for survivors » on FB. She gives very good advice at avoiding conflict with an x and using a parenting app for all communication in order to gather evidence for the divorce court. You’re getting stronger, keep believing in yourself. Live well for yourself and your children. Good luck!

I expect he didn't start off that way, as I'm sure OP wouldn't have had multiple DC with him if he showed this side of himself early doors.

Yes, because she'd be worried sick about the DC's welfare if she didn't.

He's quite thick, isn't he?

He has given you a cast-iron reason never to send anything to his house ever again, because he has shown he will not send it back. Now he's going to have to shell out money-that-would-otherwise-pay-for-more-tatoos on stuff for his children.

There We Are Then!

TWAT - what you ‘told me’ is irrelevant. What we AGREED was 10am. It is to everyone’s benefit that we adhere to the timings agreed.

Don’t ever give him reasons / tell him what you are doing. This is none of his business and irrelevant.

He really is full-on twat at every turn, isn’t he! And right from the start, even in the first few days of the AGREED arrangements.

He can afford to hethis hair cut but not to buy two potties? Bullshit!

And of course withholding the harness backpacks was entirely deliberate.

Keep logging everything, address his shortcomings in writing coldly and factually every time and keep a tally of everything you have been forced to spend because of his deliberate incompetence / dickheadedness.

Be prepared to stick firmly to your guns for the next few weeks in order to build up sufficient evidence of his behaviour. In the meantime, you might want to send him a running account at the end of each month itemising and totally every penny you have had to spend because he his wilfully ignored the requirements of solo fatherhood. Remind him this sum will be subtracted from any settlement if he continues to fail to pay what he owes.

I think you should follow up with another message stating that if he is to be providing 50/50 care then he is to return every item provided with the children which will be sent via sms at handover. If they are not checked off on return then he will be accepting responsibility for 100% of cost of replacement. (New at OP’s discretion). Outstanding are 50 percent share of cost of mattresses for his home as offered previously and 50% cost of backpacks. If not received by next handover, then you will assume he has accepted 100% liability and this will be dealt with during the financial settlement.

I get what some of you are saying that I shouldn’t have bought another 2 harness backpacks or I shouldn’t have sent the ones I already had, but I knew his mum was having the twins on Wednesday and she’d likely be taking them out somewhere. They no longer use a pram/buggy so the backpacks are an essential. Both have very little awareness of danger but boy twin is flighty and I couldn’t have lived with myself if I hadn’t sent them to her and he’d let go of her hand or something similar. And I bought them again because I need them for that same reason, especially on the nursery run as it’s right near a main road and I have one twin stood next to me with the strap around their backpack around my wrist, while I get the other one in/out of the car. The reason I do it isn’t to make his life any easier, it’s purely for the welfare of the kids. I do agree he’s kept them as a big “fuck you” to me though.

He was nothing like this when we met, or at least didn’t show it, as if he had been, I wouldn’t have stayed with him long enough to have 1 child with him, never mind 4.

I have everything in writing and will continue to do so as I do feel like this isn’t going to be the amicable arrangement he had suggested and I had hoped for.

I’ve also asked him in a WhatsApp message to transfer me half the money for the backpacks, why I’ve felt it necessary to buy duplicates and that their safety is my biggest priority which is why I use them in the first place. I’ve had no reply so far 🤣

And I do have a written list of everything he owes me, down to the penny, with emails/physical receipts and bank statements to prove it. This is added to each time he doesn’t do his 50% of providing for them.

You are on top of everything, mind, OP. How are you feeling?

My OH has asked what I'm reading on my phone every evening 😁 I've told him the story of this thread - he was interested enough to ask a couple of questions. "why's there's a hoohaa about potties? He must have enough money - or there'd have been an argument about paying for four extra car seats?". And "why's she say he drives a van? You can't fit four passengers in a van. And if you works out of a van (or whatever), you can't be doing with carseats in the way. He'd have to be taking them out every morning. What's this bloke do, then?" He's very cynical about all social media but I realise he's got a point. (I can see everyone is very invested in the OP's troubles so querying anything might cause a pile-on. But all the discussion about mattresses and potties - and yet the expense of carseats must have been completely straightforward? And his "van" isn't an actual van?)