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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

There We Are Then

994 replies

mummy917 · 09/07/2026 18:57

A follow on from my previous 3 threads; “my husband said he wanted to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided”.

OP posts:
Frillysweetpea · 17/07/2026 15:29

Eugh! I am absolutely fizzing having caught up on the potties saga and the 7am visit/ignoring your boundaries and I don't even know the man! @mummy917 I think you are going to have to make multiple threads over a longish period because so many of us are invested in this and rooting for you!

mummy917 · 17/07/2026 15:32

I have got everything in writing, sent him messages regarding this morning and his reply was “I told you I’d be there at 7am.” I then replied saying “the arrangement is 10am, I shall see you at that time going forward.”

I have said to the kids that he must’ve gotten mixed up, they don’t need to know how petty he is.

We have had a lovely morning since I got them back, however he has not brought back their toddler harness backpacks that I rely on for the twins to get them safely around when we are out and about, and has refused to bring them back to me but will give them back on Wednesday. His mum used them for the twins on Wednesday so she could take them out and neither of them have thought or considered that I’d need them back 🤔

OP posts:
Lizchapman · 17/07/2026 15:34

mummy917 · 17/07/2026 15:32

I have got everything in writing, sent him messages regarding this morning and his reply was “I told you I’d be there at 7am.” I then replied saying “the arrangement is 10am, I shall see you at that time going forward.”

I have said to the kids that he must’ve gotten mixed up, they don’t need to know how petty he is.

We have had a lovely morning since I got them back, however he has not brought back their toddler harness backpacks that I rely on for the twins to get them safely around when we are out and about, and has refused to bring them back to me but will give them back on Wednesday. His mum used them for the twins on Wednesday so she could take them out and neither of them have thought or considered that I’d need them back 🤔

Oh I suspect they have considered that these are now his and will be continually forgotten until you replace them for your own use

meercat23 · 17/07/2026 15:35

Mummy917 I think you are only just beginning to see how petty and controlling he can be. The reins pack omission sounds quite deliberate and he knew full well that you said you would not be back until 10.00

ByRealOtter · 17/07/2026 15:35

Ooh he’s already trying to g some payback! Try not to send anything you rely on in future which I know is hard but he neeeds to see exactly what is involved in caring for HIS OWN CHILDREN! Xx

Mix56 · 17/07/2026 15:40

I'd get them back & wouldn't send them again, he will have to invest in some of his own that he keeps, plus potties.

Lizchapman · 17/07/2026 15:45

Could you pop round to his mums for the backpacks as I suspect you’re not getting them back otherwise

Lostpassporthelp · 17/07/2026 15:49

I’d send a text message saying, “So just to be clear you are refusing to return the twins harness backpacks today and expecting me to look after the twins for 5 days without them? This is despite the fact that I need them in order to look after them safely whilst out and about with all 4 children. This means I won’t be able to take any of the children out safely this weekend and they will be forced to stay at home.”

GreenCandleWax · 17/07/2026 15:52

Lostpassporthelp · 17/07/2026 15:49

I’d send a text message saying, “So just to be clear you are refusing to return the twins harness backpacks today and expecting me to look after the twins for 5 days without them? This is despite the fact that I need them in order to look after them safely whilst out and about with all 4 children. This means I won’t be able to take any of the children out safely this weekend and they will be forced to stay at home.”

Good to get it in writing. Well done OP, you are a legend. 🤗

Woodfiresareamazing2 · 17/07/2026 15:55

mummy917 · 17/07/2026 15:32

I have got everything in writing, sent him messages regarding this morning and his reply was “I told you I’d be there at 7am.” I then replied saying “the arrangement is 10am, I shall see you at that time going forward.”

I have said to the kids that he must’ve gotten mixed up, they don’t need to know how petty he is.

We have had a lovely morning since I got them back, however he has not brought back their toddler harness backpacks that I rely on for the twins to get them safely around when we are out and about, and has refused to bring them back to me but will give them back on Wednesday. His mum used them for the twins on Wednesday so she could take them out and neither of them have thought or considered that I’d need them back 🤔

Him: "I told you I'd be there at 7am".

You : "And I told you I wouldn't be there until 10am, the pre-agreed time. To which you replied with a 👍".

In future don't tell him what you're doing. It's none of his business.

Just say that you both need to stick to the agreed times to help build a routine for the children, and to allow each of you to plan.

I do think you need to pick up the twins' harnesses. Could you collect them from his mum?

LastOnePlease · 17/07/2026 15:58

That's disgusting but it's behaviour we have all come to expect from our petty, spiteful little enemy, TWATOO. Again, I hope this fuels you OP. Who do you think is controlling here? Your ex-husband literally thinks your words are so worthless that he pretends you haven't even spoken. And now he's kept something you use for your children's safety just to get you back. I think we should all be thanking him actually because this is only going to help stamp out any remaining feelings you had towards this odious little man.

Twatoo you turned up early,
When she told you she wouldn't be home,
Your ears are clearly dirty,
Your mouth began to foam.

You can't read or chose not to,
We think you're really lame,
You thought 'She can't tell me what to do!'
And started up your silly game.

How pathetic you are,
Stealing things meant for your kids
No money for petrol for your car,
To many lies and too many fibs.

Your money has gone so you say,
But booking a tattoo is fine,
'Buy a potty for my twins? No way!',
Yet somehow you've cash for fresh ink every time.

Your priorities are upside down,
Excuses stacked up to the sky,
We all know you're just a clown,
Go on, tell another lie!

Lostpassporthelp · 17/07/2026 16:13

I propose that we all make voodoo dolls of Twattoo and stick pins in him repeatedly at 9pm BST tonight. The crotch would be a good area to focus on. None of us want to kill him but a good case of erectile dysfunction would be amusing 😂

PetulaGordeno · 17/07/2026 16:24

This man couldn’t wait to leave the family home but somehow magically turns up three hours early this morning.
He has no idea of what he’s done and how OP would cope. He thought she would be there this morning, in a dressing gown of doom. But no.
The sad thing is that OP should not have to leave her house to stop this. It’s awful.
He wouldn’t even answer phone calls from their son.
He spent so long avoiding the morning routine that he can’t cope with it.
And as for keeping such important equipment he’s just a bloody thief.
These men are so arrogant. They have no idea what’s coming either.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 17/07/2026 16:27

mummy917 · 17/07/2026 15:32

I have got everything in writing, sent him messages regarding this morning and his reply was “I told you I’d be there at 7am.” I then replied saying “the arrangement is 10am, I shall see you at that time going forward.”

I have said to the kids that he must’ve gotten mixed up, they don’t need to know how petty he is.

We have had a lovely morning since I got them back, however he has not brought back their toddler harness backpacks that I rely on for the twins to get them safely around when we are out and about, and has refused to bring them back to me but will give them back on Wednesday. His mum used them for the twins on Wednesday so she could take them out and neither of them have thought or considered that I’d need them back 🤔

Do NOT give him them again.

Direct his mother to vinted and explain he is too tight/ broke to ensure his children are safe so perhaps she could use a tenner of hers to keep her GC safe.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 17/07/2026 16:41

Twatoo is so petty. And predictable. You said he would try to punish you for not being available 3 hours early OP.
So he does something that effectively punishes the kids because if you don't have the harnessses, you can't take them all out safely. So they will be stuck at home (at least that is what he hopes)

And the father of the Year award goes to....

BeeCucumber · 17/07/2026 16:44

The harnesses will be the first of many things he will keep - uniforms, backpacks, PE kit, lunch boxes, drinks bottles etc etc will be next.

ItsOkItsDarkChocolate · 17/07/2026 16:45

mummy917 · 17/07/2026 15:32

I have got everything in writing, sent him messages regarding this morning and his reply was “I told you I’d be there at 7am.” I then replied saying “the arrangement is 10am, I shall see you at that time going forward.”

I have said to the kids that he must’ve gotten mixed up, they don’t need to know how petty he is.

We have had a lovely morning since I got them back, however he has not brought back their toddler harness backpacks that I rely on for the twins to get them safely around when we are out and about, and has refused to bring them back to me but will give them back on Wednesday. His mum used them for the twins on Wednesday so she could take them out and neither of them have thought or considered that I’d need them back 🤔

And YOU told HIM, the arranged time is for 10am, AND that you would NOT be in!! The absolute bloody cheek!!

FFS!!

Well done for staying calm, in communication at least!

And typical, because of course you wouldn’t need the toddler harness things before Wednesday. That’s his little petty way of retraining some control. Feel a bit sorry for him really. What a pathetic excuse of a man and father he is.

Have a lovely, productive potty training, weekend! 🤞🫣

LeebLeefuhLurve · 17/07/2026 16:50

There's no doubt that anything you give him will be in one direction and not returned - money for the mattress, potties, harness backpacks, etc. The latter was absolutely deliberate. If he needs anything from now on, his poor financial planning aside, tough fucking shit. Otherwise you'll be forever haemorrhaging money for his own benefit.

Isitsticky · 17/07/2026 16:52

I do think you are going to need mediation (if he will attend) or you might need to go down the court ordered route. He will keep trying to fuck you over otherwise. What a vile specimen he is.

ItsOkItsDarkChocolate · 17/07/2026 16:55

LastOnePlease · 17/07/2026 15:58

That's disgusting but it's behaviour we have all come to expect from our petty, spiteful little enemy, TWATOO. Again, I hope this fuels you OP. Who do you think is controlling here? Your ex-husband literally thinks your words are so worthless that he pretends you haven't even spoken. And now he's kept something you use for your children's safety just to get you back. I think we should all be thanking him actually because this is only going to help stamp out any remaining feelings you had towards this odious little man.

Twatoo you turned up early,
When she told you she wouldn't be home,
Your ears are clearly dirty,
Your mouth began to foam.

You can't read or chose not to,
We think you're really lame,
You thought 'She can't tell me what to do!'
And started up your silly game.

How pathetic you are,
Stealing things meant for your kids
No money for petrol for your car,
To many lies and too many fibs.

Your money has gone so you say,
But booking a tattoo is fine,
'Buy a potty for my twins? No way!',
Yet somehow you've cash for fresh ink every time.

Your priorities are upside down,
Excuses stacked up to the sky,
We all know you're just a clown,
Go on, tell another lie!

That poem is amazing!! Spot on!!

mummy917 · 17/07/2026 17:01

I’ve ordered new harness backpacks off Amazon and they’ll be here tomorrow. I’ve sent him a screenshot of how much I’ve paid for 2 of them and asked him for half the money. I know I won’t see it but at least I have the screenshot of it should I ever need it. I know I’m doing a weekend of potty training but I still want the option to walk to the park or something, plus I use the harnesses for nursery drop offs.

OP posts:
diddl · 17/07/2026 17:11

his reply was “I told you I’d be there at 7am.”

Must have been so tempting to put "So? We both agreed 10am." (and I no longer have to do as you say)

Daisymail · 17/07/2026 17:13

Lizchapman · 17/07/2026 15:34

Oh I suspect they have considered that these are now his and will be continually forgotten until you replace them for your own use

Quite.

Stop buying / loaning him stuff, up to now he has run rings around you with his disingenuous tales of poverty (whilst simultaneously booking his next tatoo!).

You can't be responsible for what the children have or don't have when they are with him. If they have to go without, that's on him. Just concentrate on the plans you have for your time together.

getridofthedamnboxes · 17/07/2026 17:18

Lostpassporthelp · 17/07/2026 15:49

I’d send a text message saying, “So just to be clear you are refusing to return the twins harness backpacks today and expecting me to look after the twins for 5 days without them? This is despite the fact that I need them in order to look after them safely whilst out and about with all 4 children. This means I won’t be able to take any of the children out safely this weekend and they will be forced to stay at home.”

It’s tempting but the problem with this sort of creature is that this kind of response is heaven to them. It shows clearly how successfully he has pissed OP off. It encourages the behaviour. I say this from years and years of experience of one of these there we are thens.

lessglittermoremud · 17/07/2026 17:24

I think it would be better to replace them as she has done and send the message
”Please reimburse me for half of the backpack safety harnesses I’ve had to order for the twins, as you were unable to return their usual ones with them. Their safety is paramount so I’ve had to purchase some more to keep here.
Thanks”
The message then acts as a log that that they weren’t returned and they are being replaced, he obviously won’t send over half the money but it’s a polite to the point request.