There We Are Then

[mummy917]

A follow on from my previous 3 threads; “my husband said he wanted to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided”.

@Woodfiresareamazing2 I didn’t read all the updates :( however @mummy917 there are lots of free parenting apps . Look it up on chat gpt x

Just Jo say we'll done Op being out.. He was banking on you taking them in and folding to his wants. Please put something in writing to him about how upsetting that must have been for the children, that times are arranged and need to be stuck to and that things like haircuts need to be planned into his time. Firm boundaries. Like others I don't think he will last with 50:50 - so be prepared for that.

So you have in writing both that he wanted to re-jig drop-offs because he has a tattoo appointment AND that he can’t afford a plastic potty?

Very interesting texts to present together in court or at mediation…

Like most parents in a difficult cooparenting situation, you will win some, lose some.

Keep your focus on the wellbeing of your children and your boundaries. Communication with him should be factual, he wasn't there at the time you agreed, you reminded him and cut the call. Well done. Keep however the "There you are then" for this forum. It'll sound patronising to his immature ears.

Sending the potties to him is a good idea. Even if he doesn't return them they are cheap and you if you go to mediation, it'll show that your primary concern is your children..

There is a great book you may enjoy reading - The Art of War. It's not easy read, it has nothing to do with divorce but it's a faboulous book to strategise how to deal with an adversary and win.

I would be careful not to let him know that you need him to be available for when you go back to work. If he's inclined to be really petty, he will deliberately be late and therefore make you late for work. That's the only real area of weakness I can think of, re this 50/50 arrangement.
If it's possible, could you arrange a back up plan for childcare on the days you work?

If he does go down the route of being suddenly unavailable when you need to go to work, I'd suggest as a strategy, pointing out that if you are unable to work because of his unreliability, then you will have to pursue him for spousal maintenance and child support. Put the wind up him, so he doesn't mess around with this.

honestly think mediation will be a waste for you-he clearly thinkks hes right and noone can tell him what to to

its also not legally binding so he can agree but not actually do anything- my sister ex done this and it cost her a fortune

Mediation is worth trying. It often doesn’t work where the man is controlling. Which he is for all he says you are! Look at what he pulled this morning.

Also I understand you are not wanting to confront him on issues such as child support. He’s already taking the piss there though with you contributing to his house! Take it from me although it may be easier in the short term appeasement doesn’t work with men like him.

Look at The Freedom Programme online. It should be read by all women and girls imo! Hope your weekend goes well.

Hope you are having a lovely time with your little ones right now.

Just wanted to add... don't get dragged into any fruitless arglebargle with him over the timing... Just "we agreed 10 am"... on repeat.
Also..
Him "you're so controlling."
You smiling with great geniality - "no just punctual"

No that’s wrong. Just say “daddy git muced up.” They really don’t need to know snout this.

Mediation is a necessary step on the way to court. My understanding is that the courts don't like it if you skip mediation and go straight to court.

@mummy917 It is too soon. The shared parenting has not being going on long enough. You don't have enough evidence yet of his failings. Keep going for a few more weeks, gathering evidence, before you take any legal steps.

But in the meantime you could research the process, find out if there are waiting lists for mediation, get all your evidence organised logically, get yourself ready.

This!!

Bloody well done, OP! 👏🏻👏🏻

Agree with don’t answer the calls, force him to text you so it’s written down. The perfect response to his demands, spot on, just so make sure these events are documented. KNOB.

There We Are Then.

... and speaking of controlling. It reminded me of that scene were Glen Close tells John Malcovich in Dangerous Liasons, that he should just keep repeating the phrase "It's beyond my control."

I'm sure that could be adapted to "It's beyond my control now." 😂

This. Or just “ I went to chat to my friends”.

Agree with PP's. Well done for standing your ground this morning. I don't think mediation will work with him either, and whatever gets agreed is voluntary, so they can nod along and agree in the session to look reasonable, then walk away and say to themselves, 'I'm not doing that', as mine has. You do have to show in the divorce that you have at least tried. I'm 3 months further down the line from you with a very demanding and controlling ex who insisted he wanted our (older than yours) children to live with him half the week 50/50, so I would use this incident to email him to say, "To ensure smooth handovers for the children based on agreed times/dates that we're both going to stick to, I suggest we go to mediation to get this sorted. Here is a company that is local, (you can do online sessions too), the charge per session is x which we would split 50/50. Do you agree and if so I'll contact them'
Do it but then expect to write it off, as he will not stick to it, he's too selfish.

I had 3 sessions with my ex then a child-focussed session where the children's views about where they wanted to live were fed back to him, and after each session he sent me own 'notes' and essentially ignored what was agreed, even the feedback from the children on where they wanted to live/spend time. He is now seeing them EOW and some evenings a week but regularly cancelling, turning up late/early, just to be as disruptive as poss.
Take control m'lady!
Strongly agree to PP's suggestions of doing/reading The Freedom Programme and please read Nasty People by Jay Carter (it's short, took me less than 24 hours). Also agree that you are doing the right thing re: picking your battles and making sure the children's welfare is paramount.

I agree with the thrust of the argument, but in reality it’s far more likely that he couldn’t stay in bed because the children were up and about. So rather than entertain them for a couple of hours he tried to free up his time by dropping them off early.

I would HOPE that at the very least they had eaten and were dressed, but going by my experience of smallies, I’d expect that was done, and that it was the two hours before they needed to go for 10am that was too much effort for him.

He may well have got the 9 y-old out of bed though.

I think we all knew he would do this. Bloody well done 👏 it is not point scoring, it is sticking to the agreed 50:50 schedule.

Sigh, he is nothing, if not, utterly predictable.

I agree with a PP about a contingency plan in place in case he decides to retaliate when you have to do the early drop off for work. He is the petty vindictive type who will gleefully scupper your work plans.

This was a good plan, but perhaps next time don’t tell him what you are doing as in “going for a walk”. Tell him that you have a “commitment” or “appointment” that means you are not available until 10 am. He does not need to know what you are doing. It might be that you are having a bath. It is his responsibility to look after his children until 10 am.

I refuse to believe he wasn't always a total user, knobhead, and selfish twat.

You must've been exhausted always covering for him and smoothing things over. Even if you were doing it subconsciously.

Just get through this part, and your life will be so much better xx

Rather than the Freedom Programme, which is a bit dated now, I'd recommend Own My Life (especially this bit on counter-parenting - scroll down and watch the video - it's really good!)

Also this.

@mummy917 I hope today is going okay and he wasn’t too confrontational with you when he brought the children back xx

How utterly frustrating that he turned up anyway after being told to drop off at 10 as per the arrangement. I'm astounded at the cheek of the man.

Agree with PPs please send an email detailing the need to stick to the agreement and the impact his shenanigans will have had on the children this morning.

@mummy917

Good on you for sticking to the agreement. It was 100% the right move. It won't 'teach him a lesson' in this one go since his old habits will die hard, but it's a very good start.

As far as DC, if they say anything I'd just say "Silly Daddy, I told him I wouldn't be home until 10am. Silly Daddy must have forgotten" then launch into what you bought at Tesco "Look, Mummy bought your favourite biscuits/this yummy XYZ, shall we have that for supper?". Best to pass it off to them as his 'mistake' and then distract them, rather than "Daddy knows that drop off time is 10 am". Remember, it's only important that you and T.W.A.T. know 'the truth'; that you told him you'd be gone and that to suit his own convenience he chose to bring DC home 3 hours early anyway.

Yes, you're right, he'll probably try to extract 'retribution'. But forewarned is forearmed. Stick to the schedule and have alternate childcare for emergencies. And review your finances for possible 'vulnerabilities' in case he decides to make that retribution a 'financial toll'. And document, document, document.

He just gets better and better (worse!) every time you post, OP. He’s such a twat