There We Are Then

[mummy917]

A follow on from my previous 3 threads; “my husband said he wanted to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided”.

A reasonable man would have understood you weren’t going to be in and would actually have understood that he couldn’t afford to get his hair cut this weekend as he needed to buy potties for his children.

That's a return trip to your house and unnecessary use of fuel. He can afford the fuel, he can afford the potties. He is trying to exercise control.

For someone who has been calling you controlling throughout all of this, he is coming across as very controlling himself!

It appears mediation is the only way forward as he's never going to stop point scoring. He's so desperate to fob the kids off it's actually really sad.

You sound like such a loving, devoted mother and they'd honestly be better off without him

He does seem to be a bit dim with understanding 50/50, that would have been 3 hours out of his 50/50

and we know he is only doing 50/50 to avoid giving you money for the children.

I will be surprised if he is still doing 50/50 in a years time, prob sooner...

I think he turned up out or curiosity to be honest, I think he thought you’d have nowhere to be and you’d cave. The barbers is just an excuse. The reaction will be because you weren’t there, nicely placed where he left you to be available for his bidding whenever needed. Who cares if he tries to get you back? How pathetic will he be then. Hopefully that will kick start some pity and ick for you towards him!

Exactly. It’s all absolutely bullshit. That’s why I said he’s done a right number on you OP, he’s an emotionally manipulative twunt who is actually calling all of the shots and pulling all of the strings. How can he afford a hair cut if he can’t afford potties?!

I know a lot of PPs have been through this and said he would try to drop them off early today, but I haven't experienced dealing with someone like this and am absolutely flabbergasted that he's actually tried it. It's so rude and entitled, and shows such a disregard for the kids. You must be so disappointed in him, OP, how disrespectful and pathetic he's being.

I’ve absolutely dealt with this. Have never forgotten my ex setting out how he saw the summer holidays going. When I suggested we should discuss this he actually said “What is there to discuss - I’ve told you what I want”. His parents had actually offered to have the kids for two weeks and what he wanted didn’t work for them so his lovely mum sorted him out on that one but I was staggered by the absolute arrogance.

It still all about him and his needs. His children are just too inconvenient this morning.

There We Are Then.

I hope he is realising that he’s actually shot himself in the foot by leaving you. He thought he could tell you he’d do 50:50, not do it, and get away without paying CMS. He didn’t count on you challenging him one bit, because you were always so accommodating when you were together.

Instead, he’s now finally accountable for his responsibilities as a father and what that entails. If he doesn’t want to do 50:50 he’ll be made to pay CMS. Before long he’ll be thinking wistfully of his poocations and long lie ins and late nights you facilitated.

You have him by the short and curlies. Don’t let go.

Him turning up and you not being in is the best outcome.

If he didn’t turn up you might be doubting your instincts and feeling ‘guilty’ that
you thought so little of him. But no! He really is the twat you know him to be. I feel this is a seminal moment and you will trust your instincts more going forward. Well worth getting up and out early. It also clearly shows him that he has totally underestimated you. Perfect.

My stomach knotted when I read your update so I can only imagine how you felt. The man is a complete and utter arsehole. Setting aside his complete and utter disregard of you and your boundaries, to do this to the kids is unforgivable. Less than a month into the new arrangements and he’s playing with their feelings like this: they’d have been relieved/excited to be coming home to you and then to find you’re not there . . . He is one cruel w*er. Please don’t cover for him. Just calmly explain that daddy was supposed to be dropping them at 10 so you’d gone out for an early walk and a coffee, before they were due home. I’d be spelling out to him just how bad this behaviour is. The kids need to feel secure, and they will feel anything but with this kind of s**t going down. God, I despise him - and I’ve never even met him!

Yes, mine had me thinking I was crazy and drove me to a breakdown....I literally thought if only I wasn't so anxious and depressed then he would stay....not realizing that he was the cause of 99% of my anxiety and depression 🙄
It's a sick, twisted game they play....

Apologies if this post seems random lol.....it was meant to be in response to a much earlier post in the thread

Hopefully he's learned a valuable lesson this morning.

Setting your stall out now, will help you in future. Well done.

The irony of him using 'controlling' as his favourite insult... he sounds manipulative and bullying. It does not reflect well on him to treat his children like that this morning.

He expected to find you not yet out of your bed so he could claim you weren't ready to have the children back. Poor kids, they are going to be tired etc from being up so early. I hope you've had a joyous reunion with them and he hasn't been too arsey about having to parent for an additional three hours.
There we are then indeed!

I’d just send him a text and say that it’s important that you both stick to the pre arranged times for drop offs and pick ups so that nobody is inconvenienced or late for work etc . He really is a knob of the highest order .

This. Its very clear the 'thumbs up' response to the text stating you couldn't take them at 7am was meaningless to him. a 'whatever, I'll just do what I want'

@mummy917 I think I'd be getting this on a more formal footing asap - he isn't respecting anything you say.

Perfectly reasonable to text that you were getting in a shop before your walk, before the children came back.
No one wants to go food shopping with 4 children.

You are amazing OP.
Keep going.
You really have got this.
Such lucky children.

I think you need to carefully explain to the eldest DC, that you went shopping before their planned return time, & Daddy decided to drop them off early without your consent (age appropriate words) or knowledge.

Then you need to write him a cold clinical email, stating what happened, & that his haircut on his contact time, was superfluous to the children's needs & he should hope for a quick happy transition for them after his abandonment of marriage & home & not to aggravate the emotional damage he has already caused.

I think it will be best to communicate with him from a parenting app recommended through the family courts. It’s called my parenting wizard or something like that. That way if it gets nasty it’s very easy to download messages ect and less imposing than using what’s app . Honestly these men are all the same. They have this thing where they chose to leave but still want to exert control over ex wife. It’s very disturbing but so bloody common!

It’s a shame you could not have a lie in instead of leaving the house because you preempted what an arsehole he is!

He has refused to use a parenting app.

I think he said he 'couldn't afford it'.

There We Are Then.

THIS. He needs to sit in the discomfort of a father who didn’t adequately provide for his children at Christmas. Do not shield him from this, OP.