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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

There We Are Then

994 replies

mummy917 · 09/07/2026 18:57

A follow on from my previous 3 threads; “my husband said he wanted to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided”.

OP posts:
HopeIsAScaryThing · 17/07/2026 08:08

Of course he showed up when HE wanted to drop the DCs off for HIS convenience, despite your agreed time AND your reminding him of the agreed time AND your refusal to change the agreed time at your end.

If he left them there and you have camera footage of him doing it, I wouldn't go home. Call the police and send them to your house ... get there when they do.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 17/07/2026 08:08

Well we knew he would just ignore your arrangement and the fact you said no, and do what he wanted.

Don’t be rushing back.

BEAchDays2 · 17/07/2026 08:09

I hope you didn’t mention it. Just stick it out, and get back for 10. It’s really important that you hold these boundaries now.

Also, just a thought around language, you’ve used the phrase that you want him to help with potty training. It isn’t help, what you want him to do is partake potty training of your shared children. ‘Help’ suggest it’s you’re the default to do it, language really matters around this kind of thing.

Lostpassporthelp · 17/07/2026 08:14

I really hope this is helping to reinforce to you that you weren’t the controlling one in your relationship, he was. He’s still trying to assert that control and he’s going to be furious that you saw through his plan.

lessglittermoremud · 17/07/2026 08:14

mummy917 · 17/07/2026 07:13

And I’ve just gotten a notification from my Google doorbell that he was at my front door at 7:07. Knew it.

How predictable 🙄
The man is such an idiot

leopardandspots · 17/07/2026 08:21

Yes, you are doing really well. However have an emergency plan B in place for your first few early morning drop offs when you are working. I predict he will be revengeful especially if he knows it will affect your working time.

Mix56 · 17/07/2026 08:28

Does he live far away? Lets hope they arent hungry & in pjs !!!
So, he get kids x4 back into car, back home, then do it all a second time
or swings by MacDo ffir breakfast & then wait in the car
or dumps them at his mothers & tells you to pick them up from there.
or actually go to get his precious hair cut, ( & 4)
He will blame you of course.
If the kids are a mess take a photo as they arrive

Mix56 · 17/07/2026 08:33

& say, what part of “I have plans” did you not understand ?
Grey Rock.
Oh dear
Hmm
Oh really
T W A T

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 17/07/2026 08:35

mummy917 · 17/07/2026 07:13

And I’ve just gotten a notification from my Google doorbell that he was at my front door at 7:07. Knew it.

Well, there we are then. What an absolute tosser. Who is being controlling now then? Well done on going out. If he berates you for not being home, just keep repeating, "the agreed time was 10. I did not agree to change that."

diddl · 17/07/2026 08:35

I also think he will be expecting Op to turn up with potties as she is the one that "wants this doing" so he'll expect her to supply everything necessary.

When he turned up early with the kids did he also have them standing ready at the door to come in?

Hope you have a lovely time before ten & a lovelier time after!

TheThingOnTheIce · 17/07/2026 08:39

Just imagine if you did this to him . Turned up 3 hours early and no doubt caught his new woman at his house . What a dick

Original poster
mummy917 · 17/07/2026 08:40

I felt so childish doing it because it all feels like point scoring, even though I know deep down it isn’t as he does need to respect the agreement and have boundaries. He rang me and said he needed to be at the barbers. I told him that wasn’t a priority as from 10am he has the entire weekend to get his hair cut and I said “there we are then, I will see you at 10am”, before I ended the call. I felt awful for the kids doing it and it went against everything I wanted to do. I am confident he will do something to “get me back” for this so I think next week I will be arranging mediation for as soon as possible.

OP posts:
TheThingOnTheIce · 17/07/2026 08:42

When the kids ask why you weren’t there please be honest with them

diddl · 17/07/2026 08:44

he does need to respect the agreement

I think it just overall shows how selfish he is & how little he thinks of you & to an extent the kids.

He might love them but he doesn't want them impinging on when he wants to do something.

StandingDeskDisco · 17/07/2026 08:47

mummy917 · 17/07/2026 08:40

I felt so childish doing it because it all feels like point scoring, even though I know deep down it isn’t as he does need to respect the agreement and have boundaries. He rang me and said he needed to be at the barbers. I told him that wasn’t a priority as from 10am he has the entire weekend to get his hair cut and I said “there we are then, I will see you at 10am”, before I ended the call. I felt awful for the kids doing it and it went against everything I wanted to do. I am confident he will do something to “get me back” for this so I think next week I will be arranging mediation for as soon as possible.

I felt awful for the kids doing it

It is for the kids long-term benefit that the twat learns to respect boundaries and stick to fixed times. They need the certainty and routine. They also need a father who doesn't disrespect their mother.

So though it fees terrible in the moment, keep telling yourself you are holding boundaries for the children's sake.

YourOliveBalonz · 17/07/2026 08:47

I would follow this up with a written message, summarising what you agreed, what he asked and you declined, and then what happened this morning complete with phone call. Get it all documented as written communication for later.

Woodfiresareamazing2 · 17/07/2026 08:48

mummy917 · 17/07/2026 08:40

I felt so childish doing it because it all feels like point scoring, even though I know deep down it isn’t as he does need to respect the agreement and have boundaries. He rang me and said he needed to be at the barbers. I told him that wasn’t a priority as from 10am he has the entire weekend to get his hair cut and I said “there we are then, I will see you at 10am”, before I ended the call. I felt awful for the kids doing it and it went against everything I wanted to do. I am confident he will do something to “get me back” for this so I think next week I will be arranging mediation for as soon as possible.

Well done @mummy917 for sticking to what you agreed, and for understanding that it's not pointscoring.

He obviously doesn't NEED to be at the barbers, he WANTED to go early.

Not your problem. Wife mode has been disengaged.

Mediation is an excellent plan...

lessglittermoremud · 17/07/2026 08:53

It’s not point scoring he needs to learn to listen and not actually try and control
this situation…
He was told no, he doesn’t get to just ignore that and carry on as he pleases.
If he tries to get back at you, that’s point scoring…
Mediation is a great idea, not sure how you’ll get him to agree to go though as he won’t be able to control the narrative there.

Freeyourmind · 17/07/2026 08:54

Woodfiresareamazing2 · 17/07/2026 08:48

Well done @mummy917 for sticking to what you agreed, and for understanding that it's not pointscoring.

He obviously doesn't NEED to be at the barbers, he WANTED to go early.

Not your problem. Wife mode has been disengaged.

Mediation is an excellent plan...

Show quote history

"Wife mode disengaged" - I love this - it's exactly right. He thinks everything remains the same other than he now has more "free time". The consequences of his actions will become clear to him over the next few months, and you will go stronger over the next few months. The tables are turning.

And that's not to say in time there can be times where you'll agree to them coming back early/later etc as that's an amicable thing to do. He could do the same for you. But the boundary needs to be clearly in place first, he needs to understand all these things are favours not rights.

Francestein · 17/07/2026 08:55

Please document your conversation re timing and screenshot the doorbell notification. You’re going to need to show a pattern of boundary stomping. Also, don’t answer calls. Make him text.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 17/07/2026 09:01

My Lord, the absolute brass of the man!

Did you see the children or were they still in the car? I’m wondering whether they were dressed and breakfasted, or dropped off straight from their bed?

I think next time you may need to play dim, as though you haven’t actually considered that he might do this. “I don’t understand, I told you I wasn’t in.”

99bottlesofkombucha · 17/07/2026 09:02

StandingDeskDisco · 17/07/2026 08:47

I felt awful for the kids doing it

It is for the kids long-term benefit that the twat learns to respect boundaries and stick to fixed times. They need the certainty and routine. They also need a father who doesn't disrespect their mother.

So though it fees terrible in the moment, keep telling yourself you are holding boundaries for the children's sake.

Show quote history

absolutely. He got them out of bed early totally unnecessarily. That’s not for their wellbeing. That’s because he wanted to get rid of them. That will happen all the time unless you lay down boundaries so he knows he may as well let them sleep and wake up slowly.

AmandaHoldensLips · 17/07/2026 09:05

All because he wants to get a haircut in preparation for his child-free weekend. I expect he's magically got money for that. There we are then.

cherrytree12345 · 17/07/2026 09:05

Well done. You are teaching him boundaries- hopefully he will learn eventually

getridofthedamnboxes · 17/07/2026 09:05

Oh OP, prepare for this to be the long haul. I once had my twins at an appt and he was due to drop the other one back to me later on. He decided he’d drop early despite knowing I wasn’t home. Rang me angrily demanding I get back to the house to take other child. I really couldn’t as twins were in the middle of dentist appt. I got back half an hour later to find other child (10yrs old) hiding behind the front hedge in the dark, scared, where he’d been dumped and left. I gave in time and again to protect my kids from this sort of behaviour and it only stopped when kids got old enough to refuse to have anything to do with him. So pls learn from my mistakes. Do not give in to unreasonable behaviour. It will wear you down and exhaust you at times. But the kids will start to see him for who he is when you aren’t covering for him. Eventually. You can’t actually protect them from a shit parent so you just have to be the stable, loving, reliable one.

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