There We Are Then

[mummy917]

A follow on from my previous 3 threads; “my husband said he wanted to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided”.

Yeah it’s ironic that he hated being told it felt like he was shirking his responsibilities, but has now ended up leaving his family and has done very little in the way of real, practical responsibility since he did leave.

This weekend I am putting the twins into training pants and normal underwear too so by the time Wednesday comes and they are back at his house, they will be (hopefully) well into it and won’t want to wear a nappy during the day. He helped a bit with potty training but it was a completely different ball game potty training one child to what I imagine it’s going to be like when I’m in full swing of trying to potty train 2 🤣🤦‍♀️

I can just imagine how much ‘fun’ his Mum is going to have on Wednesday 😂. I imagine it will accelerate her making up excuses not to have to babysit on a Wednesday 🤣. Has she been helping him out on Fridays and weekends too?

If he can afford a haircut he can afford a cheap potty, or even two! 🙄🤦

Be prepared that he will likely not be completely on board with the ball ache of potty training. Just keep doing it at yours and ask childcare to too and eventually they'll crack it whether he is as "on it" as you or not.

You'd be surprised. My ExH (weeks after he ran off with OW) came round and found a bottle of red on the counter. Asked why it was there (I don't drink red wine), and when I told him a (male) friend was coming over, he tipped the whole bottle down the sink. 😂

My biggest challenge at the moment is stopping the 4 year old and the twins from fighting. I struggle to even so much as go for a wee because they fight a lot!
Do you think this is what he's struggling with at his house. The reality of having them all by himself probably came as a bit of shock. But There We Are Then.

I have a horrible feeling you'll be potty training on your own OP.

I do think the reality is that I’ll be potty training alone to be honest, with the help of their nursery on the days they go there too.

Everything when it comes to the kids he finds stressful; I do think part of that is because he is extremely outnumbered but that’s true for both of us. There’s ways to handle situations that are stressful and I don’t feel he copes well with it at times.

Oh his mum will be pulling her hair out trying to potty train two at once. I’m not sure if she’s been there on a Friday or the weekends, he’s never said

@mummy917 i’d be prepared for him (and mum if she is in fact around) to not engage with the potty training, and just use nappies when it’s their time.

I’m not sure how you navigate that tbh and just want to send support….as an aside, it’s hard enough potty training but might be all the more difficult if the little ones are feeling unsettled with all the recent change? Maybe don’t feel you have to rush into that? Xxx

There is a very delicious irony in someone who often spent 40 minutes (I think you said) pretending to be/actually having a shit of a morning in order to avoid parenting, now potentially having to do several days at a time toilet training twins single handedly.

Unfortunately I think he'll either get his mum to do it or keep them in nappies.

There's no way he wants to admit how much he is dragooning his mother into helping on his child days.

He doesn’t tell me much, especially where his mum is concerned and how much of the childcare she’s doing. I’ll be annoyed if he doesn’t keep up the consistency of potty training once we really get into it because it’ll only confuse them. I’d hope he’d at least stick to working on that.

A really smug annoying bloke at work used "So YOU say." in a very sarcastic tone to indicate both that his low opinion of the speaker and that he didn't believe a word of it and also that the conversation was over.
if you started justifying why it was factually correct he would smirk like the Cheshire Cat..so we all ended up not replying.

He also used "Of course it is" or "I'm sure it is very difficult, (pause) for you." These were said in a faux sympathetic voice, to catch people unawares. Gah!

I think you’ll be surprised how quickly your kids learn all sorts of things about we do this at Mum’s and that at Dad’s. Just like they often have an at home language, a classroom language and a playground language 😂

"I'm sure it is very difficult, (pause) for you."

Ooh, I like that.

I agree.

I was thinking OP.. that this is precisely the kind of thing you have to get in writing, so you don't have to say it. What potty training entails. Or how you are handing it so you are on the same page. That might help his mum too.. and your poor twins... but also means he can't say he didn't know how to cope with it. And if he complains in writing about being controlling or that its so much work etc, when its clear you were just trying to be helpful.

Just a simple note. along the lines of the twins appear to be ready to be potty trained, (much easier in the summer) so I'm currently putting them in trainers etc... and you will need a,b,c equipment. and so on. Just factual. And maybe to be co-operative some useful links like potty training for beginners. 😂

But also, if he's not coping or complains in writing ... it shows that he's not as focused on them as you are. Also.. he's so broke he can't buy a plastic potty or toilet step from poundland? Then he doesn't have the resources to care for them or he's not prioritising his use of his resources. It all adds up.

I was in Morrisons the other day and very very nearly picked up two potties for his house as they were only a few quid each but I stopped myself.

I’ve already made him aware that I’m going to be doing potty training full on this weekend so by Wednesday I expect him to carry it on, this is all in a text too so it’s in writing and that’s when he said about not having the money for potties until the end of the month 🤦‍♀️

Did he put in writing that he can’t afford to buy potties until the end of the month??!

Spot on, karma at its best!

And, despite claiming he has no money until payday, he has made sure to have the funds for a haircut AND a £400 tatoo in 6 weeks time BUT can't possibly cobble together a few quid for a couple of cheap potties. He's not exactly a beacon of light in the world of parenting.

That’s ridiculous! Does he not have an overdraft, credit card or parent who could lend him a tenner??? It will be much cheaper than nappies.

Sorry I missed that you already said that, it’s just unbelievable. How does he think that looks alongside his tattoo appointments

Yeah it’s in a WhatsApp message that he can’t get the potties until the end of the month. He had a credit card when we were still together so I’m assuming he still has it, although I have no idea how much he has on it or anything. We didn’t have an overdraft when his now sold account was the joint account but that could’ve also changed since we split up.

I did offer for him to take a potty (I have 2), when he left as I gave him the opportunity to split all of the kids stuff down the middle, but as with the clothes, he never bothered to do it. And he can’t just wander into my house now, so will have to buy his own potties for his house.

Good grief... I'd be tempted to tell him if he didn't have what the kids needed they would stay with me until he did.

But tbf he'll only use that as an excuse later on to shirk responsibility because he doesn't have something conveniently.

But the end of the month is still a couple of weeks away?!
I think I would reply and ask him to clarify that he can meet his children’s needs during their contact time with him due to his lack of funds, and see what he comes back with as the end of the month is still a couple of weeks away, if he can’t afford a couple of cheap potties how is he going to purchase their food?!
There We Are Then

Basic potty on Amazon in blue, pink or white for next day delivery £5.99 - how much will he be spending on his hair tomorrow?

Oh he is just at it @mummy917

I’d call his bluff.

“Do you have enough funds to adequately meet the needs of the children during your contact time for the remainder of the month or will you be declining contact time so their well-being can be prioritised by staying here. Where there are adequate resources?”

this man is a scumbag. Money for haircuts and tattoos though….

His hair cut is about £9 I think, if I remember correctly.

I’m not sure whether I believe he doesn’t have the money for potties. He’d be telling me if he didn’t have the money for food, nappies etc. I just think he doesn’t see potties as a necessity when he can take them to the toilet instead, however they’re still a bit too little to sit on the toilet.

Think he’s going to be mopping up a lot of accidents then if the children have to get to the toilet rather than have a potty close at hand. There we are then 😂