There We Are Then

[mummy917]

A follow on from my previous 3 threads; “my husband said he wanted to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided”.

He really is a poor excuse of a partner and father. It will get easier for you OP xxxx

The ‘people’ probably didn’t exist, he wasn’t telling anyone ,he was just saying it to make it sound like he was right, and you were unreasonable and wrong.
Any normal person when speaking to someone who was telling them their wife/partner was telling them they were avoiding their responsibilities wouldn’t just whole heartedly agree with the person, they would ask what prompted her to say it/ask what they were doing at the time.
The reality from going from 2 children to 4 was obviously too much for the poor little lamb…
Everyone with any sense will know if he’s telling his version of the truth, it’s unlikely to be accurate and if they don’t, they aren’t the people you need to bother with anyway. X

I agree with @lessglittermoremud . You're taking everything he says at face value (which is something that most straightforward honest non manipulative people do by default, not a failure on your part) but it's likely that the only place that conversation happened was inside his head.

Our marriage guidance counsellor told me that approx 75% of the men she sees are like children, at least where carrying the mental and emotional load of family life are concerned - and often the labour, depending on how they’ve been socialised/how much of a knob they are/how amenable to direction (aka control) they are. My own husband falls into this category and I didn’t fully realise it until (much wanted) baby number three came along - I really do think breaching the two child ceiling exponentially increases the parenting load.

To be honest, it didn’t drive me to the point of seriously wanting to split until life threw so much shit at us that I became incredibly resentful at having to direct (control) him, and I could no longer do it with humour (jokes about extended poo-cations, singing ‘I am a passenger’ at any signs of irritation from him at being ‘nagged’ etc etc. I am controlling. I wish I didn’t have to be. I didn’t have the issue of him going out for more nights/weekend days than was fair or reasonable, but if I had, I would have had no qualms in objecting and if he’d continued, yes, it would have affected my mood and I’m sure I would be cross, irritable, sullen with him. That’s not control - that’s a reaction to someone taking the piss/taking me for granted.

We’re still together, but if he found someone else and decided to leave, I have absolutely no doubt that one explanation for it would/could be that I am controlling, just as if decided to leave, the reason would be that I can’t go on any longer without a true partner, that I’m carrying too much. Both of us would be telling a version of the truth if this happened, but the real truth would be that we just didn’t want to continue with the marriage because it was taking more from us than we were willing to give.

I suspect your ex didn’t have that much to give in the first place, in terms of how willing he was to prioritise the family rather than his own wants/needs, and that the twins tipped the balance, largely because you probably needed to ask for more from him than you had hitherto with your first two children, where you had a decent age gap, and could probably get on with things without much help. He’s left because the marriage and family required him to be a better man than he can (or is willing) to be.

Even the most 'blokey' of blokes down the pub will look askance at a man who abandons his four children and his wife for some fling at work.

"People said," that would be the imaginary people in his head then. As someone earlier said, because you are truthful, it doesn't mean he is. Ignore all the unkind comments and don't fall into the trap of asking for proof or defending yourself. The dirty pig analogy is a good one. The less ammunition you give him, the better. The aim is to get to the point where you only communicate about practicalities regarding the children.
I once had my ex crying down the phone to me that he had lost his son. Given he promised his 14 year old son he would always stay with him then swanned off for the second time with his affair partner, im not sure what he expected. I just said, "yes, you probably have." And hung up.
It was no longer my job to manage his relationship with our son nor his ego. Indifference is the key. You will get there

I have that goal firmly in my mind of where I am indifferent and whatever he thinks of me or says about me is absolutely fine and it is what it is. I had that feeling for around a month and then over the last week or so, it’s been replaced by the sadness and everything that goes along with it again. It’s frustrating because I thought I’d really made some serious progress.

It's a grieving process, some days will be better than others, the first of everything will be hard (or easier than you expected), but 6 months from now I bet you'll feel much better.

You have made progress, you might not always see it but you’ve come an awful long way since your first thread. Sometimes progress may stall for a little while and sometimes it may even go backwards for a bit but that doesn’t mean you aren’t progressing. It’s very natural to have setbacks, however frustrating they might feel to you.

A lot of your sadness in missing him is all wrapped up in you actually missing the kids. What’s lovely is that from tomorrow you will have a lovely long block with them again. I’m sure you have lots of plans for the weekend.

You are very different to your ex-husband, it’s very clear the children’s needs are at the forefront of your mind and everything you do. It’s obviously not the same for your ex, he very much sees his needs as being more important than anyone else’s needs. In the long run it’s you who will have the best relationship with the children, it’s you they will ultimately want to be with.

Is he still regularly putting you down and calling you controlling etc or has that now stopped? I’d hoped he was now leaving you in peace more and not mindlessly contacting you.

When you do swap overs do you actually have to communicate much or can you just do a drop and run? I really think for you, you will heal better if you can minimise contact. As it’s coming to the end of term I’m assuming there will be no more school/nursery events you’ll need to both attend.

I think anyone who has children - at any rate the women! - can imagine that three children under the age of 5 requires a LOT of organisation. I have a colleague who had twins at the same time as another friend had a singleton, and the difference in the amount of work required when they were small is just huge. It did get a lot easier when they got older (they're 8 now) as they can amuse each other unlike a single child - but you have the one that's 2 years older so that won't have been as much of an advantage to you.

And whatever he says - and even regardless of how they may seem to react when he complains to them (because they aren't going to accuse him to his face of making it up) everyone knows that, and even people who don't know you can make an educated guess that he wasn't pulling his weight. It's so flipping obvious.

I have a weekend of potty training planned with the twins as boy twin is definitely ready and girl twin is showing some signs too. I asked my ex if he’d done any at his house and he said no and he hadn’t bought potties yet, it is on the list of things he needs at the end of the month 🙄

No he hasn’t called me controlling again as such, just brought up instances from the past where he’s thought what I’ve said to him has been controlling or nagging.

Yes, the difference from having a singleton to twins is huge and the work it takes is massive. It’s a huge adjustment for everyone in the family. My biggest challenge at the moment is stopping the 4 year old and the twins from fighting. I struggle to even so much as go for a wee because they fight a lot!

We don’t have much communication when we do the handovers, just “such and such needs this on this day” etc. No, there’s no more school events now and I’m glad in one respect, because it’s something I don’t have to grit my teeth through, when I would usually be sat there excited and enjoying them completely.

He’s lying, probably. Most people are’nt interested and its not, in fact, terribly important to them. Its highly doubtful that anyone cares enough to think that a wife telling her husband that he is “shirking his responsibilities “ is “disgusting.” That’s such a strong word for such a mild, quotidian interaction, isn’t it? I mean honestly “mates! She told me to take out the bins!” Rannfom pub buddies “arghhhhhhh! Disgusting woman!!!” I mean: come on! No one cares about your minor domestic swuabbles! He’s absolutely full of shit.

Another gem from this thread .... Poo-cation! Absolbloodylutely perfect. Our builder's 16yr old son who is supposed to be labouring is a master of it - hides in the loo with his phone for hours. And I wish he would go to the loo before he comes to work rather than when he gets here.

When I split up with my husband he went around telling people awful lies about me, including that I had stolen all the money from our business, and ran off to Paris with another man.

The real reason was that he drove our business (that was funded entirely by my inheritance) into the ground and ripped people off because he was a cocaine addict. And the “man I ran off to Paris” with, was one of my best male (gay) friends. We went to Paris for the weekend before we split and I brought ex DH back lovely presents including a Ralph Lauren polo shirt and a watch 😆

But you know what? I actually didn’t care about him spreading these lies, because I knew anyone that actually mattered to me, wouldn’t believe them for one second!

Maybe think of a shut him up phrase if he starts going on about your so called "failings" and practice it. Something grey rock that you can trot out without thinking everytime he starts. "There we are then" has become mine as I am sure it has a lot of women

Why is he even messaging/calling you still about instances from the past which he perceives to be you nagging/being controlling?! There really is no reason for him to mention it.

Has your eldest daughter’s behaviour changed since the split? Do you know how she’s behaving at his house? If she’s struggling would it be worth investigating play therapy? I imagine if they are fighting at your house, they are also fighting at is house, which I imagine is driving him mad.

re the potties ‘oh ok I hope it’s not nice carpet, I’m sure they’ll be keen to practice’

@mummy917 on the potty training, has he actually potty trained any of the children before? I think with 2 of them is going to be a bit of a learning curve 😂

And in response he decided to…leave his family and shirk his responsibilities.

Lol, what people by the way? No one is disgusted by anything. Because obviously people know if a woman says to a guy “I feel you are avoiding the responsibility of looking after the children by sleeping in” she is probably bang on.

Narcisssits like to tell you “everyone” thinks something you do is wrong or awful or that you are xyz. It’s bs. They often haven’t even said anything to anyone. It’s just to make you feel bad/wrong. Of course if they have said anything, it’s just their side of the story. But most people know stories have two sides.

But in his scenario there… he doesn’t even need to give your side of the story to people because if he says he is being accused of shirking responsibilities, “everyone” (Who isn’t trying to kiss his ass) would assume he might well have been! And the fact that he’s left his kids doesn’t do much to change that does it!

Anyone else hoping he hasn’t bought the potties and the twins refuse to wear nappies???

and for any comments about how awful you were in the past, you can say calmly ‘the good news is you must be so much happier now that you’re free of me.’

Laughably, for someone who didn't parent & hid in the loo in the morning, he now finds himself having to cope with all four 50% of the time !
I hope his mother soon gets frazzled by her child minding duties.
Oh & he won't be much of a catch if he has 4 young kids to mind at the week end.
I think he will soon realise that he has indeed shirked his responsibilities, he will also have, globally, less money, less free time, will be alone when they won't go to bed, throw up in bed, or are waking each other up at night. & then, no one to shop or cook (&4) or do his (&4) laundry, or clear up when they are finally in bed !
This should soon hit home...

Oh absolutely - I am sure he thought his new life would be nothing but pubs/sport/shagging …

The other women came up 6 months after my split, I’d discovered it about 2 months after the split knowing full well it had been the cause of our split so had time to get my head around it. I was so nonchalant about it to him I could see he was disappointed that he didn’t get a reaction. Hope you are able to be in that place when it happens.

I’ve followed you since the start, you’re doing brilliantly. Your kids are lucky to have a strong mum.

My exDH’s third affair was with my best friend. We split up in October and I went round to pick up the last of my stuff. I said I would pop in and see her. He told me not to because she was ill with flu. I should have seen that for the red flag it was.

They’d moved in together by Christmas. It must have been going on for a long time before we split. I think they’re still together nearly 30 years later, but I don’t actually know and nor do I care.