There We Are Then

[mummy917]

A follow on from my previous 3 threads; “my husband said he wanted to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided”.

OP, you know that phrase:

"Never wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it."?

I think that was invented for people just like your ex, so you're absolutely doing the right thing in keeping as calm and factual as you possibly can in the face of his provocation.

Please give yourself some credit for how well you're doing. It's not going to be linear, obviously, but you'll get there xx

@PetulaGordeno @10.42 thank you for expressing exactly what I think.
@mummy917 I see you as climbing shaky ladders while he’s deliberately and destructively sliding down snakes to teenager-hood. Have faith OP. You’ll grow and have a much better future.

Rest assured OP, karma will get him in the end. It may take a while but it will happen (ask me how I know ). You just carry on being the better person that you are and rise above it x

I have this as well and I think it's what hurts the most in a way that he wasn't prepared to do the work to try and reconnect or fix the problems that had developed.

Hi @mummy917 .

You said that he's already "dragging your name through the mud" - who is listening to him when he's doing this?
Is it his friends down the pub, none of whom could help him move out?
Is it his mum?
Or his sister?

What do you care what they think?

It's all just bullshit and bravado.

You, your family and your friends all know the truth. That's what matters.

Try to find the zen of dealing with Twattoo - understand that he WILL lie about what really happened and about your actions, and there's nothing you can do about that. Practice taking a deep breath and just - let it go.

Just keep doing what you've been doing - focus on your kids, your job, and your own MH.

You've got this. 💪

Yeah it’ll be his mum, brothers and friends who were nowhere to be seen 3 and a half weeks ago when he needed help moving out, that he'll be telling his tale of woe to.

I have seen my friend tonight when she popped in after work and we were talking about the schedule with the kids over the summer holidays. I’m taking them away for 5 days at the beginning of August from the Monday-Friday and when we get back on the Friday afternoon, it’ll be his weekend with them. She was shocked that he hasn’t asked to see them for a day extra on my weekend before we go away, considering he won’t see them for a whole week otherwise. It hammered home even more that he really doesn’t seem sad that he’ll be apart from them for so long. The 5 days I’ve just had away from them when they were with him, nearly saw me off. I never realised when we were married, just how different we are as parents.

I am actually a bit surprised that your parents refuse to be involved in handovers . I do handovers for one of my grandchildren as her father was so abusive to DD I couldn’t sit back and see her being stressed in the lead up to the event .
I cannot stand DGD’s father but I swallow my dislike for the short periods.
Maybe explain to them how much it would help you to move on ?

Hi Op I would not worry about maintenance right now so far he’s doing what he agreed to. Op remember he checked out emotionally a long time ago so no counselling would help him he is twisting everything on to you so he doesn’t get the blame for splitting up the family but he did. He sounds pretty controlling as well and you said he can be manipulating your taking his word on everything but I bet if you sat down you would see this isn’t all on you.

I did explain this to my mum; I spoke to her this morning after I’d told him I missed him and she could hear how upset I was, but I do get their reasons for not wanting to do more than they have to. I also don’t want to make them feel more uncomfortable either so I will accept their choice.

I’m so sorry your daughter went through all of that, it must be so hard to witness as a parent too 😩

Yeah the more I’m speaking about it (and sounding like a broken record at the same time), the more I realise he checked out long before he ended things officially.

I know that I will forever be the villain in his story and I know I just need to find a way to not care. So many people have said to me, why all of a sudden did I just become “controlling” to him? Why did he endure it for 13 years if that’s how he felt? Why did I only know about this for the last 3 months?

As hard as it is, you need to stop caring about what he thinks of you. You know who you are.

OP he has to have a story to say why he left, otherwise what can he say to people! he probably believes it but its more and more obvious you were forced into the driving seat of your marriage because of his incompetence and disinterest. He became a passenger and then complains about it. I know its difficult (you are so used to trying to keep him happy) but try your hardest to ignore those feelings, do what you've always done and that is what is best for your kids.

Have to say I think you're coping amazingly well. Your whole world has been turned upside down and you are getting on with it.

However, I am firmly in the cherchez la femme pack, as he didn't even try to save the marriage. To me, he has already moved on, and has probably had a lot of time to disengage from you and his marriage.

I've known a couple of marriage breakdowns where this has happened. Both lied their faces off saying there was no one else but refused to try and save the marriage, rewrote history etc. In both case a new partner materialised very quickly.

I am not trying to kick you when you're down, but please just expect the worst and realise you aren't playing on a level field.

Just remember you are bloody awesome and are doing everything for the kids, which is what matters the most.

My own BIL let my sister think that she was so awful he'd rather live on his own (note not that awful that he would take the kids with him obviously). She found out eventually that he had been having an affair for ages. Absolutely broke her heart all over again.

@mummy917

Remember, lovely, that the opposite of love is indifference.

What he says, thinks, and does about you, it all needs to be "Who cares? Not I".

I know it's hard, but it's what to strive for. When people ask you about why this or that, your answer is "Who cares?". When it comes to why he does or says what he does..."Who cares?".

You have a wonderful life ahead of you, you really do! Don't let what he thinks or does slow you down.

(Obvs I don't mean to roll over and let him do whatever he wants wrt the children and finances. That is part of your future. Just don't give a rat's arse about his motivation)

Have been following this and am another one who thinks that you have been doing amazingly well.

It’s very hard to detatach yourself from caring about what he thinks, but really, it’s a lost cause. Maybe time to turn the tables: let him start caring / minding about what you think?

If (when) a new woman emerges, have a prepared response. Don’t give him the satisfaction of being able to pretend she’s new. I would day something like. ‘Damn, I lost the bet! I thought the affair partner would emerge within 3 months, but everyone else said it would be likely within 6 months. Never mind, cliché either way!’

Let him have the uncomfortable feeling of being laughed at and a cliché, and not your being upset.

So many people have said to me, why all of a sudden did I just become “controlling” to him? Why did he endure it for 13 years if that’s how he felt? Why did I only know about this for the last 3 months?

People who have never experienced an abusive relationship will be constantly looking for logic and saying things to you like, why don’t you just have a conversation with them and talk about it. But unreasonable people cannot be reasoned with and don’t do reasonable things. He might never show any accountability because in his head he truly has done nothing wrong, it’s like his brain just does not recognise that he can be wrong. So don’t expect apologies, or closure , or any contrition, just enjoy your freedom. Also them finding out about a new partner can be a big flash point regardless of what actually happened you might still be viewed as belonging to them like a toddler and their toys. At the end of the day it is his problem if he gets upset by that but it is important to be aware of that.

I really can’t wait for the day that I do feel indifference.

No, he’ll never think he’s played any part in this and will never see it as him blowing our whole lives apart.

I like the idea of saying I lost the bet when the other woman materialises 🤣 I really hope I’m in the right headspace at the time to feel strong enough to say that because his face would be a picture!

No he will never take responsibility. My ex has now apparently left his third marriage/relationship and just sees himself as unlucky.Poor him. He’s found three bad women who don’t make him happy whereas the real problem he is restless, unhappy in his own skin.

It is hard OP. You saw marriage as a lifelong commitment that you would have worked on even through tough patches, rather than walking away.

Although he will blame you as he can’t face taking responsibility himself, it’s not your fault.No-one can create a perfect, conflict-free relationship in the hope of sort of keeping him cushioned from life and effort. Every long marriage has irritations, disagreements and periods where one or both are exhausted. Those things don’t explain or justify someone deciding to leave.

That Belle Burden book I recommended is really good on that. She looks back and remembers all the little things she thought she’d done wrong, only to realise that those things happen in every marriage. She remembers when she nagged him for not putting plates in the dishwasher. But she realises all marriages have things like that, ultimately her husband explains, “I thought I wanted our life, but I don’t.” That was about him.

Like many men your DH just found that his life, family life, work, providing, conforming to pressures of four children has not brought him the deep personal satisfaction he thinks he should have. He thinks shedding his constraints, making drastic life changes will be more fun.

Once your family increased to four he had just had enough of family life and fancied the opportunity to reinvent himself, the new tattoo being a symbol of that.

He may well find someone else eventually and for a few months he can then be anyone he likes, a better version of himself. But that will wear off eventually and his feelings of dissatisfaction will return as it’s internal within him. It’s not to do with you. You need to move the spotlight off him and on to you, and what you want from life, you have no responsibility For his choices and I’m sorry but you are powerless faced with a decision that was ultimately his.
edited to correct my typos!

You’ve explained this perfectly! He saw things that I’d said to him and the way I reacted to his behaviour as being an anomaly, and when I tried to explain that every couple/marriage have these type of issues, he again said that was me just looking for an excuse. I really do feel that he ran at the first real sign of proper stress and burnout. If I ever passed comment on him spending 40 minutes or so in the loo on a morning, I was told that was controlling, when actually I was saying that I could’ve done with his help for about 30 minutes of that time.

My husband definitely struggled with the everyday life of having a family and a larger than average one at that. I feel our first 2 kids brought him that satisfaction, but as awful as it makes me feel, something did definitely switch for him when the twins got to about 3 months old, I just don’t think I really saw it at the time. He was in agreement to have a 3rd child and was excited about it and still shared that excitement when we found out it was twins.

At the moment, when I really think about it, all I want from life is for my kids to be happy and settled with our new normal, and for me to get to that place of indifference.

Remember, lovely, that the opposite of love is indifference.

This is so true. I got there, far quicker than expected, with my ex husband. I really, truly could not imagine life without him. But now he is just a piece of history, which was unthinkable at the time

My ex also started saying that I was 'controlling' once we split up. I wish I had known that I was controlling sooner, I wouldn't have put up with his petty, shit behaviour for so long!

He also re-wrote history. I could barely believe it! he recounted events where he'd behaved appallingly, but swapped our roles around so that it was me who had behaved like shit! God knows if he really is that warped that he sees this as the truth!

Never doubt men's (and probably women's) capacity for self delusion, OP. Whatever he says, doesn't mean it's right.

I feel as though I’m no longer at the point where I can’t imagine life without him, as I’m living it, but then at other times I think “this isn’t how it’s supposed to be”. Then sometimes I think he’s done me a favour.

I can’t get my head around how much he’s rewritten our history too, it’s surreal. I once spoke to him about feeling as though him staying in bed on a morning as opposed to helping out with the kids, was him shirking his responsibilities and he made out I had said something absolutely horrendous. He has also since mentioned that over these last 3, almost 4 months. When he said “people are disgusted you said that to me”, I then asked him “did you tell people why I said it to you?”. His silence said it all. He was making out to people that I’d just turned round out of nowhere and said that he was shirking his responsibilities.

He really has done you a favour, OP. Imagine how much worse it would all be if you also had to carry the guilt of splitting the family up. What a tosser.

Ask this - what people? Who has he says it to?
If his family were that ‘disgusted’ they’d have turned up in droves to help him move house.
But they didn’t.
Your parents have a visceral reaction because they see a reality - a man who has walked away from their daughter with four young kids.
I would suggest that most people on balance would think that what he has done is disgusting. He couldn’t cope with four kids so he’s bogged off.

Yes exactly @MegMortimerand I can always reassure the kids that I did everything I could at the time to fight for the marriage.

@PetulaGordenohe never said which “people” he had told. I always just assumed workmates as if it had been family, he’d have said so. And they would’ve probably said something to me too, especially his mum.