There We Are Then

[mummy917]

A follow on from my previous 3 threads; “my husband said he wanted to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided”.

@mummy917

I agree with others, the negative feelings you have are feelings he's instilled in you over the years. But those feelings will lessen with the passing of time. I think more therapy is a good idea.

As far as maintenance, why do you feel you have to speak with him about it? You know that conversation isn't going to go well no matter how you approach it. Let your solicitor handle that for you. Or just file with CMS. You owe him no warning. He didn't give you any, did he? Just keep documenting his time with the DC and file when the time is right.

And I also agree that he is miles ahead of you, emotionally and logistically, on this journey. You're playing 'catch up' and unfortunately the emotional catch up really can't be rushed. It'll happen, probably just not as quickly as you want it to. So don't kick yourself for telling him you miss him. It's the truth. But acknowledge that the 'him' you miss is not and was never the 'him' he really was. You miss the 'him' that was 'good times', not the one that manipulated and, yes, controlled you. But latter one is the real him, not Mr Good Times.

As far as handovers, if your Mum or Dad won't do it do you think it might help if the handovers took place in a public location, like a coffee shop or park? Or would your parents or a friend simple be there with you for handovers? Sometimes just a presence gives us strength and a better ability to not say things we really don't want to say. Personally, if I were your mum I'd do handovers simply so I could fix a death-ray stare on him along with cat's bum mouth. I would be 'icily polite' but radiate my hatred like the heat of a volcano. I'd take care the DC didn't notice, but he sure would!!

Listen, you're doing really, really well! Don't let a little 'blip' on your radar discombobulate you.

@mummy917 I wonder whether you might find the drop-offs a little easier once you are back at work and it's a necessity rather than an arrangement to suit what he wants. Also your brain might be a bit more consumed with things going on at work and the day ahead, rather than the aching sadness you sometimes feel now. From what you've said I imagine that you've always been getting your dc up and ready early on the days when you had early shifts to save the lazy man from having to do much of the actual parenting work It's just that because of HIS choices and decisions those morning now include a car journey.

Perhaps you can make those car journeys a special time too - get all your dc to decide on a playlist - one favourite song each (including you); or invent games to play in the car. We had a family game called '3 things' e.g. a postbox, a man wearing a hat, a black dog, a green car. So everyone is looking out for them. Whoever spots one first gets to replace it with something of their choice to spot.

After all, your work life is not something new, you have always done your part in contributing to the family income. You've had to make adjustments to your shifts and ask for a more flexible working pattern, again at HIS instigation. The disruption HE has caused for you and your dc resulted in you being signed off work, now you're reverting to something that is more usual - and well done you for doing that!

As they say in the tour de france "chapeau" 👏

I mean it was a moment of weakness but it might actually work out ok because down the line when you are recovered and his life is imploding he’ll remember it and think if it “oh maybe I had that chance to fix it even then and I didn’t take it”. And kick himself about it.

I mean he’ll probably tell himself that you’ll always love him blah blah blah and other bs. But I think deep down he’ll always know he fucked everything up and it turned out to be a big mistake. Especially when his kids are grown and think he’s a knob. And it’ll be a kick in the crotch that he can remember pivotal moments that perhaps he could have done things differently, but he didn’t. And that’s kinda sad for him. But also, HA!

I know in the long run it won’t be healthy. However.

Get a big fuck off tattoo designed- better still, make it part of your recovery to doodle and doodle and doodle design it yourself. I want to see Twattoo, I want mattress promises, and any other word or picture that sums up his wanky ways.

I get so angry for you, when you describe him calling you controlling whenever you expected anything of him.

Can you imagine if you’d booked an appointment on one of your days, and asked him to have the kids? Or let him know you’d be dropping them off early because you were having your nails done.

Exactly this 👏🏻

I hate the way these men lie and don't keep their words
My ex said he could never live without me, well last week I found out he is still alive...... More lies

My ex chose to leave but was never able to forgive me for surviving without him 😂😂

So many people have said to me that they think he will realise one day what he’s done etc, but I genuinely don’t. He fully believes what he’s said about me and the names he’s called me. And if it’s him acting, then he needs an award for it! He honestly does not see any wrong in anything he has said or done over the years and my reasons for reacting to the way he’s behaved at times are all just excuses apparently.

I hope I do find the drop offs much easier when I’m back to work as I’ll be focusing on that too and it’s a demanding job which will keep me busy for the entirety of the shift. I do like the idea of making the car journeys a special time too 🥰

If I go behind his back about maintenance, I can only imagine the grief it would cause and he needs no help in dragging me through the mud with his words as it is. I’m continuing to keep a record of when he’s bringing them back early etc too.

I asked my parents about helping with the handovers just for now and they have both refused; neither of them want to be around him any more than they have to be, so I’ll just keep my fingers crossed that in time they’ll get easier to deal with.

I don’t think he will ever learn from the way he behaves because he genuinely doesn’t think he is in the wrong in any of this. He feels the things he has said and done have all been right and justified because of the things he’s accusing me of.

You cannot reason with unreasonable people.

There We Are Then.

I think your moment of weakness is still because you are remembering the man he was, or at least the man you thought he was. It's difficult for you to accept he is no longer that person, when did he change or perhaps he never was. The life you want back doesn't exist any more but you can build an even better future for your DC and yourself.

Regarding the handovers, I had this problem when I just didn’t want to be set back by seeing my ex. By chance I got chatting to a neighbour I knew in her 60s who had been widowed sometime before, and she said she sometimes needed a reason to get up and out of the house! I thought that could help if she babysat occasionally. We came to an arrangement where I paid her (then £10) and she came around to my house for 45 minutes when I left for work until he picked the children up. It meant the children had a slightly less rushed start and I minimised seeing him for a while.
If you have any friends, neighbours like that it may be an interim solution.

It says a lot that your parents won’t do pick up - they must really loath him. They may have felt like that for a long time. I guarantee you OP in a year from now you will feel very differently about everything- look at where your head is now compared to when he decided to leave. He has conditioned you to go his way or dread the consequences- it takes a long time to break free from that but keep reflecting on it and you will be stronger in the future.

CMS must wait anyhow. He’s sticking to the 50 50 for now (just), if you are going to challenge it, it’s something for future you to worry about.

it may be that he will realise one day what he missed, but he might not, some people don’t mature emotionally at all. He will already be getting a wake up call with wrangling 4 kids during his time as you say he was pretty hands off. Surely he can’t fail to at least once reflect that maybe it was easier when you were carrying most of the load, esp when his mum leaves him to it….

He will know deep down somewhere what he’s done but to admit it is to admit he’s a prick.
I think very few people are in such complete denial apart from psychopaths and murderous dictators.
It is just easier for weak people to blame others.
It takes a stronger person to reflect.
I met someone who had recently been through a divorce - two young daughters.
He managed to convince me it was all ‘her’ fault.
And after a few weeks I started to work it out.
I was in his home - he thought I was in the bathroom - and I heard him speak to his ex down the phone in such a way my blood ran cold. I felt sick.
I confronted him and he started to…. cry.
And within weeks I realised that the reason his daughters were so lovely is because their mum was. I met her, and she was. She had a look on her face as if to say ‘get out now’ and I did.
He told everyone but the gatepost how awful she was but it would only take someone with half a brain, even his daughters, to get what a grade A arsehole he was.
I found out some of the other stuff he’d pulled afterwards by someone I met who knew his ex, which I’d rather not reveal. Let’s just say in order to leave he actually convinced her it was her fault by trying to drive her to a breakdown in which he succeeded.
I have no idea where he is now but I know she’s happily remarried.

Time and time again, he has shown you exactly who he is - BELIEVE HIM!

He wants as much time to himself as possible (likely with the other woman) with as much disposable income as possible, money that were he even a half decent father, he would happily put towards supporting the needs of your shared children. It's too early to say how the 50:50 will go although since his mum is covering roughly 25%, his life, unlike yours, has not been turned upside down. Set and keep to your boundaries, he needs to learn that his wants and needs do not trump yours.

Most importantly, you do not need to seek his approval for claiming child maintenance! Your solicitor will deal with this, he can instruct for all communication to be via the legal teams, there is absolutely no need for you to even have a conversation with him about this. Twatoo will have to dip into his tattoo fund to appoint his own solicitor (not your problem that he wanted to avoid this, it's called karma).

If that’s the case, try to turn it around in your mind and think if he is that kind of person who sees no wrong in what he’s done, he’s not the kind of person you would want to be with anyway. Who wants to be with a complete and useless waste of space who blames everyone else for his shortfalls?

Do you know what OP? He may never regret it, he may never learn from it. And how sad for him. It shows his lack of values as a man to behave this way and you have to find a way to let go of this. His actions and behaviour don't reflect badly on you at all. They only speak volumes about him.

We like to believe that people will regret things, that there will be some kind of karma that they experience but sometimes that doesn't happen. And so all we can do is live our lives with integrity knowing that we would never behave like them. One day, you will look at him and feel nothing. Pity perhaps that he will ever evolve or learn from anything he has done.

What needs to be your priotiy is working on yourself because you are not speaking about yourself with compassion and as if you are the prize that he has lost, because you really are. You have wonderful friends who love and care for you, you would not have those people if you were who he says you are. You are a brilliant Mum and your children feel safe and loved with you. We can tell that just from how you write about them. You have done everything you can to get well enough to return to work, that tells us lots about your work ethic. Your ex-husband cannot take any of this away. Your kindness and your honesty towards him doesn't diminish you, it just shows the values you have that he will never have.

Hi op first of all do not beat yourself up you can’t help the way you feel and it’s very normal it doesn’t matter you said it out loud it what matters now is how he never responded silence tells you all you need to know. He has t even got compassion for you.
Op you won’t necessarily catch up with him because you still love and care for him he’s not the man you married and you seem to be in a rush to get to where he is. You’re a human being whose life has just been tossed upside down you have a full mental load he’s walked away after processing his feelings before he told you he wanted out. If he had any feelings for you he could have suggested trying to fix things. It’s not necessarily about you it’s about him wanting his freedom more than his family. I really hope you see it’s not a you problem it’s him.

I know dating is the absolute last thing on your mind, but can I just look into my crystal ball and predict total hissy fits from him at even a whiff of it. Your role is to sob endlessly whilst mourning the loss of the demi God that is him. There we are then.

I know everything you all and people in real life have said to me is true and would be what I’d be saying if the shoe was on the other foot, but it’s just so hard to see it that way at this point in time.

He didn’t even try to fix things and was completely unwilling to go to marriage counselling or anything, he shut it down straightaway. At the time I thought it was maybe just the unknown of counselling he didn’t want, but he specifically said “I don’t need that. You go if you need it, but I don’t”. And that was conversation over. I should’ve seen then that he’d already made his mind up deep down, he just didn’t have the balls to tell me then.

At some point in the future, you will wonder why on earth you put up with his shit for so long. You will feel nothing for him whatsoever and you will laugh at yourself for worrying about upsetting him by claiming CS and the possible fallout.

I really don’t think he’ll care if the day ever comes where I enter into that world again. He’s so cold towards me now and seems unbothered, so I doubt that would phase him. I said in one of my previous threads though, that if he didn’t realise what he had when he had it, or just didn’t want it, then I don’t want him to realise down the line.

Its not about him wanting you back its about you DARING to not be still pining over him. Its about you removing his safety net of "Mummy917 will always have me back". Its about putting another man ahead of him in your priority list. Its about you no longer giving a single shiny shite about him.

Basically its about his ego. He doesnt want you but you must always want him and when he finds out that you dont....meltdown.

I knew this school mum, she was charming, so lovely. Two of our children were close friends so I saw her a lot. I was useful. Two other friends (whose opinions I trusted ) told me to be careful that she was dodgy. I believed them but I was confused. Until the penny dropped, she believed her own myth, it was how she could look me in the eye so openly. That's what narcissists do. They never accept accountability. But, who died and made him God? His actions, will be eventually judged by society, his future partners and ultimately, his children. You have the power of knowledge now.

@mummy917 I think you may be wrong about him not caring if/when you start dating again. This is the man who got arsey because you weren’t paying him enough attention at a school sports day. He also was cross that you filed for divorce. He also didn’t remove his wedding ring once he’d moved out. He’s obviously a comple walking cliche at the moment, but he doesn’t come across as being as together about the breakup as you might think. He’s constantly trying to get a rise out of you, he’s not leaving you in peace to quietly get on with your life.

I think if he realises anything it might be that he had an easy life with you.

If his mum could/would do any & all childcare that he wanted at a moment's notice I'm not sure he'd realise anything!