There We Are Then

[mummy917]

A follow on from my previous 3 threads; “my husband said he wanted to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided”.

You don't need to catch up with him. You are on different journey, and you choose your own path.

He ended the marriage, and was further than you dealing with the emotional aspect of the ending. But you are way ahead of him inthe practical reality of separation and how it affects your children and yourself.

In one year time you won't give a shit about him and his feelings.

I will absolutely hold my hands up where I’ve gone wrong and at times maybe did give him a hard time, however in our whole relationship I have never wanted or intended to control any aspect of his life.

I feel as though I get to a point where I feel a bit stronger and then it’s time to see him again for handovers etc and I come back down to earth with a bang.

He has tried to call me emotionally abusive in the past whenever I’ve tried to pull him up for what I saw as shitty, inconsiderate behaviour. So I just let things build up in my own head instead as it was easier than having my feelings dismissed.

Honestly, you and the children are headed for a better life, he really isn't very nice. And don't worry about your weak moment. I remember once when ex and I were separating, for no real reason I once suddenly completely broke down sobbing in front of him. I didn't even want the bastard back. I think it's natural because it's a process you're going through.

Calling you controlling, ha, that old chestnut.
SO many men trot out the "controlling" accusation, It is a total "get out of being responsible joker" because they are basically, lazy, Dud non parents, & need to be chivvied repeatedly, Reminded relentlessly. They need waking up, told what to pack, where their things are....... the list is long & if you don't just Mother them (ie do every fucking thing for them on top of doing every thing for the Children, animals, parents, family, school, doctor, dentist, holidays, chores, .... They then have to stand on the their own two feet, & are absolute failures, & need to be coached thru their own miserable lives, Then they call you controlling. Wha, wha, wha

Keep this in your head then OP. His behaviour was shitty and inconsiderate, he turned everything back to you and blamed you for everything. He took ages to have a shit in the mornings to avoid doing any childcare and would rather spend money on his tattoos than pay for his children to have something to sleep on.

Still want him back now? 😉

It feels like you have given your power to him - but you haven't. You had an authenic feeling which you expressed. He really should have felt shame and apologised to you. You are a real person which is very lucky for your children. You feel things, you say them, that's all natural. How long is it since he has had a real feeling? since he has been authentic and genuine? since he has thought about anyone other than himself? Your feelings and your concern for your family is what will guaruantee you a happy future. One in which he will probably still be showing off his tattoos in an attempt to impress random women. At that point it won't sting, you will just see how pathetic he is, more clearly.

Look, bottom line is none of us know how you have behaved in the past. Only you know whether you were reasonable or not.

But a reasonable man, would not refuse to pay for the mattresses, would not book a tattoo in his contact time, would not refuse to take children for a haircut, wouldn't not buy clothes in time etc etc. These are all smallish things but they paint a picture for us of who is a reasonable person overall and who isn't. So try not to go over what you could've done better/differently because in the small time we've all spoken with you, we're all pretty sure you're not at fault in any way. You're probably more ground down than you realise by him.

You can't make someone love you, and most of the time, they are not worthy of your love anyway if that's how they make you feel.

Be much kinder to yourself.

He sounds so manipulative. Hang in there op

This, all of this.

And when you challenged him on any of this, he called you 'controlling.'

Think I’ve lost the plot now OP - why did you see him this morning? I thought the kids were with you now until Wednesday morning?

It is Wednesday Morning.

If he really thinks all those things about you then he's a very immature individual who doesn’t understand mature, reciprocal relationships. You deserve so much more. You head knows that - it’s just taking your heart longer to catch up. Please don’t feel bad about telling him you missed him. Just watch he doesn’t try to exploit it by wheedling extra early drop-offs etc

@mummy917

I really hope you didn’t read my message as if I was talking about you controlling him about going out, that was really not what I was meaning! Bad choice of analogy, example perhaps!

I just meant that he has you conditioned into doing/not doing things because of how he then responds, behaves, treats you, etc.. that is how HE controls YOU. He conditioned you by the sounds of it to not have an opinion about him going out and the impact it had the family.

You don’t need to action maintenance until you’re ready, nor until he’s really not doing his 50%.

Just make sure you’re NOT for the right reasons…. Please don’t let fear of his response be one of them. What is the worst he really would do? How could you protect yourself from that?

And don’t worry about the slip of words. You’re human and there are a lot of emotions going on.

Yes, your head must be swimming. Breathe. You must have a long list I’m sure. 1 at a time…. Most don’t have a hard and tight deadline, so just deal with what you can, whilst still looking after yourself. It’s not a sprint.

Hugs! 🤗

I said I’d lost the plot didn’t I 🙈🙈😂😂😂

No it didn’t don’t worry, it more just jogged my memory to stuff he’s said to me in the last few months while all this has been going on.

The way I feel after I see him in person and I start thinking about everything, just makes me feel as if this has completely broken me. I know I’m further on than I was at the start, but I know I’m still a long way from being okay too.

What time did he arrive? With or without notice?

This morning I took the kids to him at 7am. He has work, our eldest daughter had nursery, our eldest son had school and the twins are with his mum today while he works. This is the arrangement for a Wednesday morning as I am back to work in 2 weeks and everyone needs to be in the routine of a very early start on a Wednesday.

Phew, I thought he’d turned up early at yours.

My apologies, I have my days mixed up and thought it was Friday today - wishful thinking!

Your parents will want to help you, taking care of handovers would be helpful. (If it gives your mother a chance to side eye him nastily I as a mother would find that a plus!) Do ask them for help with the handovers and see what they say.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but this man has treated you like a doormat in your marriage and you are continuing to allow him to do so. Put your big girl pants on, see him for what he is, a selfish twat, you’re better off without him.

But then I think to myself that the kids would be better off coming back to me if he can’t seem to wait to bring them home as early as possible

I think he should be trying the new routine for a few weeks at least!

If it really doesn't suit then a rethink is needed.

What it can't be for the kid's sake is him picking up & dropping off as he pleases!

Would you manage if he wants less time permanently?

I think as women we always want a reason and to rationalise and understand anyone's behaviour to us . Op he's had months to process this anf IF theirs someone else floating in the background he has them distracting him from analysing any finer feelings he has towards you . You're a decent caring human being it's completely normal to grieve a future that you thought you had it's completely normal to miss it . You've had the rug pulled from under you without any warning. It's the same as a unexpected death ,no one would expect too to be moved on after 3 mths especially when you ha e all the logistical problems to iron out from splitting. You're trying to find your new normal in a fast moving situation you disnt anticipate . Everyday a new feeling or situation arises and it's normal for you to miss the comfort of the known when your facing the unknown . Allow yourself them feelings they show your human and have compassion. Unlike twagbag who appeara ro be sailing through right now . He will have to face the consequences and fall out of his decisions at some point

I was going to say the exact same thing.
@LastOnePlease and @Zebracat have hit the nal on the head.
Your mantra when you feel like this is "He has done a number on me"

The number, comes across to me as a vibe that you are always thinking about how you didn't do something or could have done it better. You doubt yourself. He did that.

You mention the few times in 13 years that you objected to something, were told you were controling and had to put up with it anyway.

This man left you with FOUR children. FOUR! and because his outrage at you asking for CMS which you are entitled to, you are considering not asking for it because it would be hard to put up with his anger and he would tell everyone again you are controling.

I wonder in real life how people would respond to "My wife wants me to pay CMS for my 4 children... she's so controlling."

Remind yourself that he's getting cross about CMS, because its money that could go into his TWATOO TRIVIA fund and spend on himself.
You on the other hand want it to support your FOUR children. Every penny that he doesn't pay you is a penny that you will have to find elsewhere and will restrict what you can save for your children's future, if they want to go to uni, have unexpected medical expenses, need braces, school trips which they'd love to do but can't afford, your family holidays with them- all of that...

Whilst he dances off saying things like " Hey kids, sorry I didn't contribute to your housing, clothes, food, and expenses all year, its just that I didn't want to be controlled and the thought of doing that made me so angry, but hey why don't I take you to the zoo today as a treat.. I bet your Mum never does that!"

He has put you in the mindset that everything you do is wrong, whereas its only right that he behaves the way he does. In the future, he will either start learning from this and improve or diminish.

You kind of apologied to us for saying that you'd blurted out that you missed him. That's not something to be sorry for.

You shared an honest human feeling, based on the fact that he's your DC's father and the time you shared together, which you valued... and he hasn't got the compassion or character to regret the loss of those times as you do.

You are a better parent for having that empathy and compassion to value that family time. You are managing this situation so well and with your DC at the forefront of your mind, they are so lucky to have you. I hope you do get extra support, with time and therapy and your brilliant dad. it won't be forever. Step by step and also look forward to the time when you are not made to feel that everything is your fault.