There We Are Then

[mummy917]

A follow on from my previous 3 threads; “my husband said he wanted to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided”.

My head just feels so full of everything I need to do, that even the thought of bringing up maintenance if he felt he couldn’t manage 50/50, is something that just fills me with dread.

I remember him saying to me at the very start of all this that at times I’d be hugfed if he wanted to go out and from that he called me controlling. Yes in 13 years there were a few times I was miffed if he wanted to do something as I knew it’d mean I’d be left to carry the load even more after said nights out, or if I wanted to plan something for us to do as a family, that wouldn’t happen. But those times were few and far between and I could count them probably on one hand. It was also usually when I felt completely burnt out. He still maintains that it was controlling, but he still went on these nights out etc and in the end I said nothing about him going out, just let him get on with it. The biggest problem I think I had was that I wanted him around and I wanted him to want that too. He used to say that I’d get to see my friends, however when I pointed out that we’d take the kids to soft play or baby classes, it’s not really the same kind of outing to recharge your batteries.

I always end up feeling like this when I’ve seen him in person and after seeing him this morning, it’s just made me miss him more. And stupidly I told him that. I know what you will all say but it just came out and I felt as though I was halfway through saying it before I even realised.

Which is definitely partly my fault too as I allowed it to happen while we were married.

This is you taking responsibility for him again. Another way of looking at it is that he could have noticed either that you were doing more or that he was doing less or that he was totally clueless with managing the kids and said or done something about it. Obviously given that he has no self awareness that scenario seems unlikely but women aren't responsible for training men into how to be decent fathers.

With respect to maintenance "provoking" him, what are you expecting? Verbally abusive behaviour towards you? Like the poster above I think you may get to a point where you're so annoyed at him not being able to parent his kids/put their needs above his own that you will just crack on with maintenance.

@mummy917 don’t beat yourself up about telling him you missed him. I really hope he wasn’t cruel to you about missing him though. We’ve all said things to our exes we’ve instantly regretted. I cringe at some of things I’ve said to exes in the past, I assure you they are almost certainly worse than what you’ve said to your ex ❤️

Don’t be too hard on yourself, you miss the person he used to be and everything that it meant.
I hope he was gracious when you said it, if he brings it up at some point you can say you can easily miss someone but not want to be around them.
Sending a hug x

He didn’t respond to it. If he really thinks all of these things of me like he’s said, then it’s honestly no wonder he wanted to run a mile.

Right, so you have said it to him now. It’s done. He didn’t respond so you know what will happen if you ever do it again. As hard as it, he doesn’t care about your emotions so try not to share them with him, he is not entitled to know these things about you anymore.

If he’s already been to yours this morning, does that mean he ignored your boundary of 10am drop off or did this change?

Ah OP, you’re only human, and you’re trying to adjust to your new life, not playing a game of chess - so blurting that out was a very human, honest thing to do. Your heart speaking, not your head. He probably didn’t respond because he was shocked, guilty and embarrassed.

It’s done now, and changes nothing. He’s not your friend, not your support, not your loved one. He is a man who has blown your life up so unkindly, and your head needs to resume control even while your heart is aching. I’m sorry 😔

He doesn’t really think these things of you, he said them to moan because he wasn’t being allowed to do what he wanted whenever he wanted.

He doesn’t think these things of you, he just says them as a way of controlling you. It probably also makes him feel better about blowing up his family, as he tries to justify to himself that it isn’t him being selfish, you are the problem. Remember you are NOT the problem, he is x

Don’t beat yourself up. In a years time you’ll be cringing at having said that but every single one of us has done something similar.

My main concern is that this man has done an absolute number on you. You blame yourself for everything and you believe the things he’s saying. I think going back to therapy would help with this a lot.

You cannot rely on anything he has said about you as being fair or accurate. Remember this is a man who has had to create a narrative that makes it okay for him to leave his wife and four children and blow up their lives. He needs a narrative where you are the enemy and the cause to justify his awful behaviour, his taking of key items and leaving his kids with nothing to sit on and taking your money with no intention of paying it back. Otherwise, he would have to look at himself in the mirror and face the pain he has caused and he can’t do that. Look at every other thread in this sub. They all say the same stuff. They are the most basic of bitches. No originality at all.

Remember too that he has had months to plan all of this out. Months and months of planning and coming to terms with it and building a narrative. You’ve been on the back foot from the beginning.

The most important thing now is to be kind to yourself and to put some boundaries in place so you don’t say things like that again because it’s making you vulnerable and that’s feels shit. So the walls and the rocks need to go back up. You can do this.

I think you mentioned counselling, are you having any more sessions? I think it might help you if you try to unpick some of it, why you care what someone who appears to no longer care for you thinks, why you take responsibility for his thoughts and feelings and potential actions. I don't mean that as a criticism but I think you might find talking this through with someone not involved who is there for you and accepts you as you are quite empowering. It's understandable to mourn a marriage ending and the loss of the person you thought he was once but I think you're going to need really strong boundaries to deal with your ex's selfish nonsense going forwards.

BTW, I meant to add to my earlier post above, if it does go down the maintenance route and he does get verbally abusive you don't have to take any abuse.

Also saying you miss an ex is still way less cringesome than point scoring with your kids' mother over mattresses and using every opportunity to cut your contact with your own kids short because of haircuts and tattoos and other unimportant dross.

Op, I think you should keep re reading this post until you actually get really angry.

I do think further therapy sessions are a good idea, as I do feel as though I need to make some sort of peace with why I care so much about him calling me these things and why he thinks I would ever want to control any aspect of his life.

Yes I am so much further behind than he is and I worry I may never catch up to where he is in all of this; I’ll always be on the back foot.

Remember also that every time you have asked him to step up and parent his children or play his role as a partner in your marriage he will have seen as controlling because he just did not want to do those basic things.

I promise you will catch up and probably overtake him.

Further therapy is a really good idea, I definitely think it would be beneficial to you.

I hope by being honest with him today it might make him a bit more gentle with you when you have to meet up at joint events. It might make him realise why you don’t want to hang out with him. Is there anyway someone else could do handover for you on Friday so you don’t have to see him, maybe your Mum?

I have thought about asking my parents if they would do the handovers for the time being, but my mum has so much anger towards him that she will likely refuse. I am unsure what my dad’s reaction would be as he has a low opinion of him also.

Trust us, you will catch up. You have centred this man for years, it’s second nature to you now, but you are an intelligent independent woman and frankly, he is not worthy of you. I am blown away by the barefaced cheek of him to leave you , demand 50/50 and think that means he does whatever the fuck he likes, and you pick up the slack. Please do apply for CMS, his reaction is no longer your problem, and you don’t have to suffer it. Its normal for both parents to support their children. He won’t even take them for a hair cut. I think I said it before but it bears repeating -WHO MADE HIM THE KING? A bit of time without the children and some more counselling will give you the space to figure out what you want, and it will get easier and easier to protect that space. He will blow up? Pah! let him- giving in to tantrums just creates monsters. You will be doing him a favour if he finally has to become a proper adult, take care of his children andd stop prioritising himself. You are the absolute opposite of controlling. It’s not controlling to insist on a schedule and to fairly share resources. I am worried that if you don’t set boundaries now, he will make it impossible for you to go back to work, by constantly letting the kids down and leaving you holding the. babies. You deserve better, and so do your children.

I agree, if you can rope in some help for the handovers it will give some breathing room.

its not him you miss @mummy917 it’s what you (maybe ) had and what you envisioned for the future together.

The last thing you need is someone who doesn’t treat you kindly - and he doesn’t xx

And another thing. One day he will thank you, he will see that he was leaving it all to you and skating on the surface of the children’s lives. My son is recently divorced, having left everything to his wonderful wife. It’s been the making of him, and now he sees how shit he was, and how much she shouldered. He is a much better Dad and a much nicer person.

This could be a very good idea. I suspect they will tone it down for the children but it won’t do him any harm to discover that his actions are not universally approved of

I’d ask your Dad for help. He doesn’t have to make small talk with him as long as he can be civil enough on the doorstep to say “Hello Twattoo, hello children, say goodbye to Daddy children, Goodbye Twattoo” that’s all he needs to say.

Unfortunately it's natural to grieve what you thought you had and what you thought he was. But if you look back and think of all the allowances and concessions you've made over the years,it may be he's always been like this. It's just that you've always picked up the slack.

Here’s the thing and believe me on this - he might have ‘left’ your marriage a while ago and actually left recently. But emotionally he is MILES behind you.
He hasn’t thought a single thing through.
His recent behaviour at sports day, the behaviour over the haircuts shows you he’s not behaving like a mature parent at all.
He is behaving like an immature teenager and it’s easier to blame you for everything.
He is learning NOTHING. This man thought it was ‘funny’ to hoodwink you into
paying for the kids’ mattresses.
He might have moved on from his feelings for you in terms of the marriage but he’s way behind you.
Every single thing is to get a reaction.
You are being proactive. You have been verbally and emotionally abused. You have had to watch as he ignored phone calls from his own son.
You have kept your dignity and above all else, put your children first.
I hate the word ‘process’ but that’s what you are doing. You are going through the natural and ultimately healthy stages of grief. When you come out the other end, you will have learned so much. You will be stronger in every way.
What will he be doing? Getting more tattoos. Being an arse. And there was no need for ANY of his behaviours. If he wanted to leave he could have been honest and then gone on to co-parent sensitively to minimise the damage.
He is a marathon behind you in terms of being an emotionally intelligent human.