There We Are Then

[mummy917]

A follow on from my previous 3 threads; “my husband said he wanted to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided”.

Here's another acronym for the blighter:

Frequent
Unreasonable
Changes
Keep
Everyone
Really

Unsettled.

He’s really shot himself in the foot with all this hasn’t he?! If only he wasn’t going through a midlife crisis and wanting to spend all his money on tattoos things would be a lot easier for him.

Yes exactly this.

And @mummy917 don't even bother worrying about his "storing this up" to use against you - mattress fiasco shows you that he wasn't going to be helpful anyway.

IMO it's the opposite - by showing that you can adapt for RELEVANT events (like the pre-school graduation or other things that will arise) there will be a number of instances that you can cite to prove that you aren't being obstructive for the sake of it. So that will happen anyway, over time. But you can't start doing it every time he wants you to jump to his command or you'll never have clear organised times around which to work as and when the genuine things come up.

If you let this one go, he will ask again. And again. And again. It’s best not to start it at all.

I’m not letting it go, I’m sticking to my guns and will be out until 10am. I’m sure in time I will get the hang of everything you are all advising, but I need to remember I’m just new to this but will become wise to his excuses etc.

And take note that he didn’t ask you about Friday just simply told you what he was doing. I had to deal with that mind blowing level of arrogance too.

Good for you. You will soon feel more confident in your decisions. You have done amazingly well so far!

Hi op glad you are sticking to your plans I think you need to say to him he can’t move the goal posts when he decides to the times are there so both of you get the same amount of time with the kids and same amount of freedom. Also tell him if you take 4 kids for hair cuts he will have to pay half of the cost. Don’t let him off with these costs as he’s chosen to be a cunt so you owe him nothing.

This!

Glad you had a lovely evening with the kids!

Hope the new sofa is good?

He clearly thinks I have no life when the kids are with him and I’ll just be at home for whatever time he wants to drop the kids off, not the time we actually agreed!

The boys’ hair cuts can wait another week until it’s his weekend again, however if he doesn’t get them done during his time with them, I will be taking them and asking him for half the money. If he doesn’t wish to pay it, then more to add on to the financial settlement in the divorce. He never used to have a problem taking or paying for the boys to get their hair cuts when we were still together so I don’t understand why now he can’t seem to fit it into his oh so busy schedule 🙄

We’ve had a very nice night thank you. Had tea in the garden before baths and bedtimes started 😊

The sofa looks gorgeous! But I’ve only sat on it for about 5 minutes today 🤣 I’ll get a chance to properly relax on it tomorrow night

Good for you op he really is trying to control you now he’s left. You must be really patient because I would be screaming at him.

Surely he should pay the full cost of the boys haircuts? Unless he sends half for the girls hair?

I feel like he is very take but not very give. His haircut on Friday could be scheduled for any time at all but he chooses a time that means he would need to bring the kids back. Hopefully by holding these lines he learns that he doesnt get to control everything because thats what it comes across as, he is desperately trying to get any little bit of control

I don’t even think he’s doing it on purpose. I think he just assumes that you are still there to accommodate his every whim and thinks that you will pick up any slack for him as that’s probably what happened previously. He doesn’t get that privilege now though, his decision to leave means that shit stops now.

Yes I think this is spot on!

If the OP said she didn’t want any child support, but he could do EOW, I suspect he would snatch her hand off

@mummy917 you just have to keep reiterating “no, my drop offs are unavoidable that early because of work, I wouldn’t be rushing to offload them otherwise”. Definitely I think mediation/parenting apps and generally set times is the way to go with him.

Of course he doesnt get to choose if he pays child maintenance. If he starts slacking off from 50/50 which I feel he will then apply for cms. He can't have no responsibility for the children, it can't and shouldn't be all on you.

I’ll be totally honest, I’m anxious to go down the maintenance route with him, even if I need to. I know the reaction it will provoke from him and I don’t want or need that added stress.

I wish I didn’t have to drop them off so early, but in 2 weeks I won’t have a choice when I’m back to work.

I do tend to agree that he’d so used to me essentially carrying all of the load, that he doesn’t know what to do. Which is definitely partly my fault too as I allowed it to happen while we were married.

Carrying the load is what we do for our partners in committed and loving relationships. More so when you became parents. You are not ‘to blame’ for doing what is a normal parental behaviour.

I’ll be totally honest, I’m anxious to go down the maintenance route with him, even if I need to. I know the reaction it will provoke from him and I don’t want or need that added stress.

Totally understandable, and really important to acknowledge. Well done!

This is how this combination of personalities see-saw (the selfish and selfless) though. How the control can happen in a more covert way. His reaction deters you from doing things. How we get conditioned.

For instance, they’re grumpy if you go out, so eventually you barely go out to avoid the grumpiness, etc.. Eventually, even if entitled, you may NOT apply for CM in fear of
his reaction. It’s the same thing.

Added bonus now though is that you’re not living with him! By then, you will have established good, firm boundaries, hopefully a routine for drop offs, and very practiced at grey rock, etc., which you are already doing really well! You are stronger than you realise! So, his response will have limited impact on you.

How much you still stress and worry about it despite the boundaries, well, that’s an anxiety management conversation. There is lots of self help available, and/or maybe get the ball rolling for NHS therapy (depending on where you are) as the waiting list is months generally, especially for 1-2-1. Sooner if you’re happy to try something in a group setting first, even if it’s just to dip your toes in.

Something to mull over. Maybe while you’re enjoying your new sofa! 😉

100% be out jist in case.

Go for a nice walk then get a coffee / brunch out someplace.
Take a book or whatever.

Start now or you'll be dealing with this bullshit for years.

At this point the outcome you actively want is him griping and moaning to anyone who will listen that you are mean and totally inflexible and follow the custody agreememt /schedule to the letter.
Then maybe he will get the message that 10 means 10 minutes either side of.... 10.....not 7am

I’ll be totally honest, I’m anxious to go down the maintenance route with him, even if I need to. I know the reaction it will provoke from him and I don’t want or need that added stress.

Maybe not right now OP, but I think there will come a point when you will get to the ‘enough is enough’ stage with this.

Do you think when he wants to bring the children home early it would be better be vague with your plans, don't say ‘I am going for a walk’, just say you have plans and wont be back until 10. I could imagine he will be deciding whether your reason is valid. He doesn’t need to know what you are doing

I agree with above. “That doesn’t work for me” is going to be a very useful catchphrase. I am also going to suggest that you have a list of plausible things up your sleeve because he is going to start trying to catch you out with “What are you doing on Saturday?”, etc.