There We Are Then

[mummy917]

A follow on from my previous 3 threads; “my husband said he wanted to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided”.

He will assume/accuse you of being out with your new boyfriend. LOL
response: T.W.A.T, or Just laugh....

@mummy917

Oh yes, can you have a night away? 😉

Ha ha I love you all honestly 🤣

His mum hasn’t so much as sent a text since we split up and neither has my so called sister in law. I suppose I shouldn’t have expected anything else though; they were always going to side with him which is fair enough.

No he no longer has a key to my house, there’s no way he can have open access to here anymore.

I have always sent neutral replies and will keep doing so. It’s the easiest way to deal with him as I don’t want to give him any sort of ammunition to start an argument or anything.

I do actually have plans on Friday morning for a coffee (no change there 🤣) with my mum and aunty, but if I told him that, he’d just say “you could do that anytime”. I mean that’s also true of his hair cut but it’s not worth the argument.

Any chance you could stay with your Mum the night before? I just think he’s going to turn up, possibly about 6:45 intent on catching you before you go out so he can leave the children and get on with his day 😔

Chances are if he knows you have plans he will try to derail them anyway as probably for the best.

Ugh I hate that, why are so many people such wet blankets when it comes to their sons. If my son had been a prat I’d at least check on his wife and make sure she was ok, especially considering she’s the mother of my grandchildren. Just awful behaviour.

This sounds like a really good idea @mummy917

Think of this as needing to put the boundaries in place. Once he knows he has to respect the times that are set, you won't need to keep doing this sort of thing, except maybe occasionally to make sure he doesn't pick up bad habits. It's just like you need to do with dogs, so they don't forget their training!

Oh and put your phone on silent before he blows it up asking where you are at 7 am when he clearly told you he’d be dropping the children off then 😂😂

I could stay with my mum and dad but it feels so daft that I’d have to even consider these lengths. But then I think to myself that the kids would be better off coming back to me if he can’t seem to wait to bring them home as early as possible 🥺

Sadly though he still needs to get past his idea that you are there to accommodate everything he wants to do. I think the kids will be better for firm boundaries so they know what’s happening and not just whatever Dad feels like this week. Have a lovely evening with your Mum and Dad then a relaxing coffee morning and you’ll be refreshed and ready to give your kids your very best again 😊

Hi @mummy917
The haircut thing is an excuse, or a distraction - it's all about control.

You don't need to tell him what you're doing - it's nothing to do with him.
Whatever you tell him, he'll try to turn it against you.

So just stick to the trusty MN saying ' that doesn't work for me, we need to stick to the agreed time'.

💐

It wouldn’t need to be every time, but I really think it wouldn’t hurt in these early days.

Look at the behaviour he’s showing you when you’ve not even done a full cycle of the new arrangement.

He doesn’t know where you’re staying. But my concern is that he’ll yank you around at his whims regularly otherwise if you don’t set a firm stance in the early days. His life is chaotic, don’t get swept up in it.

Yes, obviously the kids deserve better than he’s able to give them, however, on the grand scheme of things, they’re not going to be traumatised by those few hours on the Friday morning.

How much he then subsequently messes you around though, might just traumatise yours!

Are the children actually enjoying their time with him? Are they having a good time and is he giving them care and attention? If they’d rather be at home and aren’t enjoying their time with him I’d be tempted to ask him if he’d rather cut down his days with them. They get more time with you and he isn’t constantly trying to fob them off on you.

The kids say they have fun with him and they do seem well looked after, I’ve not got any concerns about that so far and I hope it will continue that way. It’s just the wanting to shave time off with them numerous times that gets to me. I know a few hours won’t traumatise them, but it’s the principle of it. However then I think to myself that I won’t force him to have them and if he sees it as a chore then maybe I should ask him if he wants 60/40 or even 70/30. Although I know he’ll refuse cos maintenance.

It's only initially, until he stops assuming/hoping that you'll jump to every time he snaps his fingers.

After he sees you won't, there will be one of two possible paths: either he'll step up and do it, or else it will all be too much for him and he will have to get you to do more of it - and that's why you need to be careful that he doesn't manage to do that by stealth, by constantly leaving them with you for longer and/or not turning up when it's his turn.

If he just can't (won't) do it, it's better that he acknowledges that in some way and you can both review the arrangements. It will be better for the children than unpredictable changes that work for nobody. But if he thinks he can wear you down instead, that would probably be his preferred solution for his ego! So don't let him.

I wouldn't even give him a reason or excuse for you not being available at 7am on Friday. Its not his business. What an absolute prick 🤯🤯

It’s so hard to navigate this as he’s been so good at manipulating situations in the past, but of course I couldn’t see that then. If he chooses to call me controlling (which he will at some point, when he’s not getting his own way), I know he’ll then take a step back and then blame me for it

Do you mean you think he’ll take a step back from the children, but then blame you?

Yeah, 100%.

That's going to happen anyway, op . No matter how much you let him get away with.

That’s heartbreaking, I’m so sorry you’ve got this worry hanging over your head. At least he hasn’t responded to you when you explained you already had Friday morning plans, he could have sent a text back moaning about you, in someways that’s progress.

He does seem to save up his requests for Tuesdays, it’s almost like he wants to put a downer on your last day with the children.

On a more positive note, how’s the new sofa??

That's exactly why it needs to come from him. You need to be reasonably available (ie the times as planned unless there's a valid reason to adapt: a haircut nor a tattoo appointment isn't that) and ensure, without getting into explanations, that you are NOT available to take over every time it suits him on top of that.

Either he can cope but is trying it on with you, and will stop when it's clearly more of an annoyance to him than to you (so, eg, stay over at your mum's this time, and maybe another few times, randomly), or else he can't cope and will need you to take them for longer - but it's important that he has to say so.

If he can manage to get you to do more by manipulation, without admitting that he needs the changes, then he will do that instead.

Just a thought - if you told him that you didn’t want any child support and you would care for your children full time - what do you think he would say?

He gave me the 👍 emoji soi have a feeling he will be saving this up for later down the line and will likely say I wasn’t flexible for him so he won’t return the favour. However I’d only be asking him for help on my days off it was some form of appointment.

And I’ve only sat on it for about 5 minutes. We’ve had tea in the garden then baths and a film snuggled in my bed before I put them down at 8 o’clock. I’ll give you a proper review of it when I’ve sat on it properly tomorrow 🤣

@mummy917 , you really need to stop worrying about what he might say.

It's irrelevant.

No-one cares.

YOU know that you're not controlling or manipulative.

You also know that he is.

I would not recommend asking him at this stage if he wants to drop the 50:50 to 60:40 or 70:30. You know he'll say no, because he wants to avoid paying you any CMS.

You need to play the longer game - give him enough rope to hang himself.

Don't facilitate him cutting his time short at this point. Make him feel every hour. Until he reaches the point where HE wants to reduce his custody time.

Stay strong, you're amazing 💪

I think he would refuse as I know he loves the kids and does want to see them, however I think the reality of what that entails daunts him as it can be very taxing and stressful at times.

I think if he could have the fun times with them and someone there to do the “hard” bits (pretty much what I did while we were married), then I think he’d be fine. But it obviously isn’t what the reality is going to be like.