There We Are Then

[mummy917]

A follow on from my previous 3 threads; “my husband said he wanted to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided”.

Don't let your eagerness to have the kids allow him to dictate nonsense times to you. If it's not convenient for you then consider pushing back.

This is the case on a Monday after our weekends with the kids but when they come back to me on a Friday, it’s meant to be 10am. He will honestly just turn round and make out like I don’t want the kids back or something along the lines of that if I push back, which is infuriating.

Just because he tries to make out that you don’t want the kids back, it doesn’t make it true. I would push back now. Let him say what he wants 🤷🏼‍♀️

Can you say something like, I was planning to do the weeks shop (or whatever you feel like inserting) before the children came back, but I'll change that for this week, going forward it needs to be 10am as agreed. So, you've avoided the argument, but laid down a clear boundary going forward.

It will be a long 16-odd years of pandering to him if you never push back on his unreasonable behaviour for fear he'll say you don't want more time with the kids.

Don't allow him that kind of control or manipulation.

Is he still planning on taking your youngest boy with him to get his haircut too? Honestly I think he’s just doing it to be annoying and still assert some control over you. He’s cross about yesterday, so wants to still see if he can get you to do what he wants. It also means an extra school run for you. Really you are the winner though as you get extra time with the kids. Maybe you actually breezily agreeing to it will annoy him more 😂

I think if the agreement is 10am, a breezey I’m not sure I’ll be home for 7am but could do 8am if it helps you out…

Book a gym class or say you've joined a walking/running group or a 9am doctors or dentist appointment. Anything. But put your foot down now and make sure he knows it's non negotiable unless it's a genuine emergency.

Who gives a toss what he thinks. Tell him you want to stick to agreed times and you will be home at 10am to receive the kids.

Seriously, he is taking the piss, and that is not ok.

Don't do it, op.
Say you won't be there until at least 9. As planned and documented. Don't give excuses or reasons.

He just wants to get them gone quick so he can get on with his single life.

Personally I’d love to see his face if you did as others suggested and say you aren’t sure you’ll be back by 7am but could do 9am, however I imagine you’d feel more comfortable taking the high road ☺️

But that really doesn’t stack up as he is the one trying to bring them back early. How about you go for a swim on Friday morning and let him know this is a regular thing so early drop offs simply won’t be possible?

It's a slippery slope. Op could, in future, be having great plans on a Thursday night. Or a bad hangover on early Friday. Who knows? Point is, it's your time and he's using you for his benefit.

Same as it ever was.

”That doesn’t work for me, unfortunately. Please stick to the agreed time. Looking forward to seeing the kids at 10.”

You could say: sorry, I would have loved to have had the children back earlier but since you wanted a 10am drop off I’ve now committed to xyz - see you at 10 as agreed.

@mummy917

He will honestly just turn round and make out like I don’t want the kids back or something along the lines of that if I push back, which is infuriating.

To whom, to you? Then who cares what he says. Again, this is 'the conditioning'. It's best you keep trying to break that chain. I know it isn't easy, but each step is important. And remember, should he threaten to say a word to DC about you 'not wanting' them, that's parental alienation and should be documented. And I'd tell him so, too.

"Unfortunately I will not be home at 7am on Friday", no reasons and no excuses. The ball will bounce right back to his court.

A barber open just after 7am my Great Aunt Fanny!

LOVE THIS. How satisfying.

And if it helps just imagine what he would be saying if you’d messaged that you wanted to get your hair done on Friday morning so he will need to bring the children back at 1pm instead????

I agree with others OP that you need to start how you mean to go on, both of you need to stick to the agreed boundaries. So you simply say, that won't work for me. I will be back in time for them to arrive home at the agreed time of 10am. If you want to show willing you can say you'll be back at 9:30. Take yourself out with a coffee and a pastry and go for a long walk. Or for breakfast.

Also how is dropping them at 7am in your children's best interest? Surely you'd then need to do the breakfast and getting them ready etc...What a lazy idiot.

Yes I agree with this! If this is not the time agreed upon just say no. And let him know you won’t be there to receive them. Don’t care at all how he whines or who he whines to. He’s not the judge of you.

You can phrase it as ‘I forgot I’ll be at the gym with Emma, but you can drop them at 8:30 if you still want to drop them early.
him:snide comment
you:are you sure you don’t want to save that one for when I ask to hand our children over to you earlier than agreed? You sound pretty silly trotting it out now. But yes you can return them half an hour early, at 8:30. Let me know so I know to get back, or I might not be here.

Ignore what "he says" - honestly who gives a care what he thinks or says????

"Hi TWAT,
As drop off time is 10am i was not expecting to have the children so have a standing appointment on the Friday mornings when I dont have the children. On those days I'll be at home from approx 9.45. If you have appointments then you'll need to arrange childcare"

As in I’m sorry you’re upset by me not hanging out with you. All part of being pleasant - and if I’m being honest, passive aggressively highlighting that he seems to need me rather more than I need him, that he’s brought this on himself and is to be pitied.

OP acting as though she feels sorry for him will drive him round the bend!

I have messaged him and said I’ve arranged to go for a walk and won’t be back until 10. And no, he isn’t taking the youngest anymore as he said “it’ll be too much to take the youngest”. Meaning he can’t just sit there and play on his phone while he gets his hair cut and would actually need to watch him.

Makes me so sad that he just wants rid of them as soon as he possibly can, or at least it certainly seems that way.

Is he saying he’s not going to take your youngest child at all? Or just to the barbers?

This is what he wanted. He has plenty of time when he doesn’t have the children to get his hair cut. His hair can wait a day or even a week.

He is testing your boundaries. If he’s doing it this early then in a year’s time it will be that he can’t take the kids this weekend or the youngest or the eldest or he has to drop them off early or pick them up late.

Stay strong. You have an agreement based on his wants. It gets changed in court or mediation, not at his every whim.