There We Are Then

[mummy917]

A follow on from my previous 3 threads; “my husband said he wanted to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided”.

Can't imagine why he thought you would want or need to stand right near him anyway 🤔
The kids know you're both there so ......

Wow, he still see you as an extension of himself doesn’t he OP! He still imagines he takes up the same space in your head that he used to when you were married. He’s a legend in his own mind! As tempting as it is to hit him with a snappy come back, remember grey rock! He doesn’t deserve a minute of your time beyond pleasantries for the kids sake.

Why should you stay with him?
Youre not together anymore. You mingle with people you want and it doesn’t have to be with him!
I mean he’s going to have to grow up and accept you won’t always be the person who is making conversation with him.
Been civil doesn’t mean spending the whole of the event together.

Also acting like everything is fine doesn’t mean acting as if you were together. Quite the opposite. It means you are civil, are capable to being together to celebrate your child and yet totally at ease with talking to anyone and everyone as you pkease. WITHOUT somehow thinking you’re doing something wrong. Or that you ought to be with him, not leaving him alone etc… that partner’s territory. Not ex husband territory p.
If anyone hasn’t quite mastered that and hasn’t got over the split and its consequences, it’s him! But theres nothing new there right?

A few well timed ‘this is what you wanted’ might do the trick!

@mummy917

Yeah I did feel anxious and didn’t really say much when he asked why I’d moved away.

You owe him NO explanations for anything you do. None. The fact that you felt you should answer him is due to him conditioning you to be 'responsible to him' for your actions.

I have the same issue with my esDH. I'm doing better, but answering his 'demanding questions' is still often my default reaction because he has had me conditioned to 'justify myself' to him for decades. That conditioning is hard to break free of. I don't see him due to his behaviour so it's usually on phone or text, but I'm learning that absolute silence is a valid response. It generally goes like this:

Him: Why did you do X?
Me: <crickets>
Him: Did you not hear me/read my text?
Me: <more crickets>
Him: Fine, be that way (or) You're really a bitch, aren't you?
Me: <even more and louder crickets>

At this point he either hangs up or blocks me. I've never understood his logic in blocking me because I won't talk to him, but heigh ho.

Since answering would elicit the same level of anger or disgust no matter what I said I figure I'm not going to give him the 'ammo' of my response so he can refute or 'shame' it. Let him get angry at my silence, and not my words.

Grey rock is the way to go. Not saying much when he asked why you had moved was a perfectly good response. You don't need to explain yourself to him.

Tell him next time that he doesn't get to play happy families in public anymore, after he ripped this family apart.

It’s honestly been on the tip of my tongue to say “this is what you wanted, but I’ve stopped myself as @AcrossthePond55 said, it would just give him a reason to start an argument or something similar and I don’t have the energy for it. The main thing, is that my babies are all home! The twins are in bed and the eldest 2 are having some long overdue cuddles before baths. I’m so so content 🥰

Sadly I think you need to be prepared for him to object in the future to you being present during his 50% i.e. today was his day with the children so no need for you to be there.
thus you will be accused of controlling again.

And whilst it is under 6 months away, I don't think you should have any hopes/expectations re Christmas i.e. if it is your 50/50 day do not allow yourself to hope he will contact the children.

Monday is my day with the kids, but whoever has the kids for the weekend is doing the drop offs at school/nursery on a Monday morning.

We have already spoken about Christmas and we will be splitting the day as I will have to work for half a shift on Christmas Day as I got last Christmas Day off. Whether he sticks to that is another matter but I haven’t mentioned a single thing to the kids about that yet, it’s months away.

OP I have been following with awe at your strength and your get shit done attitude.
I think it might be time to bring out the sarcastic

What
A
Nice
Kind
Empathetic
Reply/response/request (replace as necessary)

the next time he says something hurtful

For school events / events at clubs etc it is immaterial whose day it is both parents are entitled to be present . Are you suggesting that if a parent teacher evening / school meeting was on one parents day that the other one shouldn’t get to go ?

Love this.

This is amazing!!! This will be used alongside There We Are Then 🤣

I’m in agreement that for stuff like events for the kids, it makes no difference whose day it is, both of us will be free to go to them. Same goes for parents evenings; it’s important both of us attend them.

@mummy917 @Sodthesystem please can we have another song - based on ‘What a Nice Kind Empathetic Response’ ?! Pleeease?!
(‘There we are then’ would make a perfect ringtone if you were still taking his calls….)

100% this.

Perhaps@sodthesystemcould start a thread to post the first song and if wanted ask for requests. It would ensure this support thread isnt derailed, but it would also be a great way for others to be able to hear the first song and make suggestions for others.

Some of my children’s friends have parents that are no longer together.
Both parents seem to attend things like sports days etc. not necessarily together, quite often they are standing in slightly different areas after an initial hello.
The only time it’s ever caused a problem was when a child’s Dad brought along his new girlfriend and Mum decided to tell her that she had no reason to be there. It caused quite a commotion as it wasn’t said quietly, but otherwise it’s from an outsiders perspective it’s been drama free!

I’m not selling you the dream here but it’s possible to co parent when dust has settled. In the past both my ex and myself have taken the kids out on their birthday for dinner and it made such a big difference to the happiness of the kids. I accept you won’t be in this place anytime soon as you are hurting and need to heal. I even went to Thorpe park with my ex and my youngest teen for the day, I am glad your kids are home, you sound like a lovely mummy 💕

Have a lovely evening @mummy917

I think she is saying that HE may say this, because he objects to OP being there.

I genuinely would like to think that we could do this in the future as yes it would be what is best for the kids, however as you said, I am nowhere near even the thought of this yet. The thought of him moving on with someone else still makes my eyes sting.

I’m hoping he will never sink as low as to say “oh well this event is happening on my day, so you aren’t impacting my time with them.” I don’t think he would do that though; he knows how much the kids love having both of us at their special events and how important it is to them and to me.

Oh and the next knobbish request:

Big
Asks
Some
Times
Aren't
Reasonable,
Dear/Derek/Dickweed

I absolutely love all of these 🤣