Do all men want it all the time?

[Justaquestionplease]

DH and I have been together for 15 years...we probably have sex 1-3 times a week. Occasionally less, rarely more. I'd happily have more but I'm absolutely fine with this....he is also happy with this.

However all I seem to read on posts here, in the media and amongst other women is how their husbands want sex all the time and can't leave them alone. My DH doesn't want sex all the time. He is not constantly all over me. All these things I read now just make me insecure. Why doesn't he when all other women's husbands want sex all the time? Am I ugly? Is there something unattractive about me? Now I know objectively I'm not ugly... I'm conventionally attractive and still get chatted up by men if I go out. But I just can't help but wonder what is so wrong with me compared to all these other women who have rampant husbands? It really gnaws away at my self esteem.

So I guess my question is...do all men want sex all the time? If you're in a long term relationship is your DH more like mine? I feel like a freak as a woman.

You both seem to be conflating (rather unhelpfully) ability to get an erection with sex drive.

@moderate ,

Umm, in my experience, they are at least related. But I take your point.

Not sure it is the main issue here though.

I misquoted @Justaquestionplease

I meant does he also work like you… 6/7 days a week from morning until evening?

No he works less than me..although still full time. The thing is with me, stress and tiredness have never affected my sex drive. Im the same all the time

say to him, am I ugly? Do you find me hideous? He doesn't reassure me...he refuses to answer the question at all.

seriously? He just ignores you? Do you want to have sex with someone like this?

I actually rarely initiate as i feel worried he will only say yes to it out of pity for me.

So the 1-3x is pretty much always him initiating?

He won't answer because he thinks it's a ridiculous question so he says he doesn't want to dignity it with a response.

He doesn't ignore me routinely!

But you say even at the beginning he never complimented you! How long have you been together?

He's fed up with saying "yes" but you behaving as if he's said "no".

I would be, too.

(Got my "yes" and "no" the wrong way round for the question as posed, but you take my point.)

He has never complimented the Op
even at the very start of the relationship
that would make anyone feel shite

Is there any sexual trauma in your past, OP? I’m not suggesting women can’t have high sex drives, but in some women is a response to trauma or early sexualisation.
Are you happy other than this?

No. Ive never been abused.

Otherwise we are happy..he is a nice dh. I can totally depend on him...he's a good guy.

Are you saying if a woman enjoys sex it's a sign of trauma or abuse at an early age?

How long been together? Have your sex drives always been misaligned?

I think it’s fine you have a high sex drive, nothing wrong with it at all. It’s just that you are not letting go of your DH not wanting to have sex 3 times a day and not understanding why he doesn’t, is nothing to do with how attractive he finds you. You should look up the biology of it all - the recovery period as men get older, increases. Their hormones can change too, just like us women.

Do you think you would feel better about yourself if your DH verbalised attraction to you? Your husband sounds like a good man and I feel your behaviour towards him isn’t rational at the moment, you might drive him away. If you have no time to explore your self esteem through therapy then why not try a self help book?

As I said, no, not at all.

However some women with sexual trauma in their past become hypersexualised. I was asking in case there’s more to see below the surface. OP says not, so it’s irrelevant in this case.

But she isn’t asking about whether other DHs give compliments. She’s fixating on sex, and on quantity rather than quality.

I agree

it sounds tiring

Very childishly of me, today I purposely googled a dating app for married people and left it on my phone and "accidentally" left it next to him on the sofa. He just rolled his eyes at me.

He doesn’t seem to see you as a woman. More of a little annoying sister

although that was pretty childish as you say

All men - no
Most men - maybe
Some men - definitely

We’re all different, i’m a nympho but i have friends that can take it or leave it.

One thing that I believe about my mid-50s DP is that he technically 'wants' sex all the time. But that doesn't always equate to actually having it, initiating it, or responding to overtures for it.

I am the same. I nearly always want to have sex but a lot of the time I'm tired, or it's been a busy day, or the stars haven't aligned, or we have to get to class, or we've eaten too big a meal, or any one of a thousand reasons.

In other words, the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

He rarely pays me direct compliments, but I often catch his eyes glazing over a little as he looks at my (very ordinary, very middle-aged) boobs, or he gives an appreciative fondle of my quite ample bottom. His actions say what he doesn't say in words and I am in no doubt of his attraction to me.

Does your DH pay you compliments without saying them? Do you catch him looking at you in appreciation or anything?

Oh come on 🙄

I think an eye roll in that situation was pretty tame. If the roles were reversed and a man was doing that to a woman, everyone on here would be screaming that he was being abusive/manipulative.

Did you read that I think the Op was being childish

he never compliments the Op. ever. His just a younger sibling!

and he rolls his eyes his his wife essentially says…. Have sex with me or I’m cheating

It was worse than childish, it was manipulative.

There are examples on this thread of him complimenting OP, including calling her beautiful, but that's not enough for her.

What do you think a reasonable response is to "have sex with me or I'm cheating"? OP is behaving like a sex pest, his answer should have been to break up with her.

Anyone who threatens to cheat on their partner in order to manipulate them into sex is nasty. It's completely unacceptable behaviour.