Do all men want it all the time?

[Justaquestionplease]

DH and I have been together for 15 years...we probably have sex 1-3 times a week. Occasionally less, rarely more. I'd happily have more but I'm absolutely fine with this....he is also happy with this.

However all I seem to read on posts here, in the media and amongst other women is how their husbands want sex all the time and can't leave them alone. My DH doesn't want sex all the time. He is not constantly all over me. All these things I read now just make me insecure. Why doesn't he when all other women's husbands want sex all the time? Am I ugly? Is there something unattractive about me? Now I know objectively I'm not ugly... I'm conventionally attractive and still get chatted up by men if I go out. But I just can't help but wonder what is so wrong with me compared to all these other women who have rampant husbands? It really gnaws away at my self esteem.

So I guess my question is...do all men want sex all the time? If you're in a long term relationship is your DH more like mine? I feel like a freak as a woman.

Exactly. There has to be more depth to a relationship than just looks. Took me years to get my head around this. Very fortunate to be blessed with good looks. Didn’t waste a minute of my youth making the most of them. Was called the office pin up. Never short of male attention. All very shallow. In my 60s now and was very hard to understand that what underpins my marriage is love and loyalty and having the same morals and wanting the best for our kids. It’s a real relationship. I always saw myself as a dolly bird (to coin a very outdated phrase). Now I know I’m still a pretty woman but I’m not 20 anymore and things change and evolve.

Yes, your problem is unusual, so no, there aren't going to be many other threads about it.

You're misidentifying the problem though. The problem isn't that your partner doesn't want sex enough. He wants, and you are having a perfectly normal amount of sex at one to 3 times a week. This is completely average for most men. We don't want sex constantly, we've got other shit to do. We particularly don't want sex all the time with someone who thinks we're abnormal for not constantly wanting sex.

The problem is that your self worth is entirely tied to whether your partner wants sex with you. That is - and I'm going to put it bluntly here because you've not listened to mine or anyone else previous posts - it is REALLY FUCKING WEIRD.

Your options are as follows:

Carry on as you are and end up getting dumped because of this hang up.

Accept that your partner is normal and that this issue is yours to deal with, and get some therapy.

Dump him and find a partner who wants to have sex constantly. And then find out it's impossible, because even men who think they want sex constantly only think that because they've never had sex on tap before. Once they get it, they realise it's actually a bit of a pain in the arse, and that they'd rather have some time to do something else.

You need help OP, you need a lot of it and you need it quickly. Please get it and give your poor partner a break. He really is not the issue here.

Hi,
im in the same situation as yourself - but I’m the male , my GF has a higher sex drive than myself and she also seems to need sex for validation of our relationship- and frankly it’s a bit weary- we don’t live together ( for good reasons) and she would happily have sex morning afternoon and evening and I do wonder if she wants me for me or just for my penis, sometimes I’m feeling uncomfortable due to pressure to perform ( your husband will be feeling the same way I’m sure) , and get the silent treatment if a say no to sex.

im currently thinking about ending things over sex and her pressure and demands and I wouldn’t be surprised if your relationship went the same way

I have to prise my husband off with a crowbar, happier??

Ecstatic. Your husband is beside the point.

Men are not a monolith. Their libidos vary between individuals and in different circumstances.

You don't say. 🙄
I can't take this thread seriously, but if others can....so be it. 😏

It is not the norm. And you constantly badgering him about it probably makes him want to have sex with you less, he probably feels like you only want him for that which is a. Massive turn off.

It doesn’t matter how busy you are. Everyone is busy. Take the time and find a therapist.

Don't believe everything you read.

OP, I read only your posts and not the replies but here is my take;

Have you heard of attachment theory? You sound incredibly anxiously attached. Your husband seems secure in his love amd affection for you but your anxiety is actually pushing him away.

Anxious attachment is part genetic part environmental but you can work on it with therapy, reading, podcasts and become a securely attached person. The sex issue is a red herring.

I suggest you Google some good podcasts about Anxious attachment and start listening while you do the housework (as a start).

I think it will help you feel understood and you will get some relief from this torture you are putting yourself through.

Thank you.

I appreciate this...will have a google

Pestering someone for sex and making them feel bad for not wanting to have sex is manipulative behaviour. You seem to be very hung up on how you look. Wearing make up and ‘making an effort’ doesn’t mean you’re more or less attractive than other women who don’t.

It's not just personal relationships, is it? It took many years for me to be taken seriously at work. You get promoted and nobody thinks it is on merit or through professional competence. No - it's because the boss fancies you. Or worse, you 'earned' your promotion by er... other means. 😠

Yes! I remember at work we were moving offices and lots had to be packed up. I asked is there anything I can do? My line manager said “no, you just sit there and look nice”. This was the 80s mind you but then when I returned to work in 2003 after having my kids I was introduced to my new (female) manager who said “well you’re easy on the eye aren’t you”. 😵‍💫

Another update.. after our recent row we sat down and had a chat last night...in his words "you're beautiful, it's just you're so bloody annoying "

Never a truer word spoken

Nooooo. We are all individual and absolutely should not be comparing ourselves to other couples. If you and your DH are happy with your level of sex then fantastic and nothing to do with anyone else. If you are both happy then that’s great x

@Justaquestionplease , ☝🏻 is the shittest bit of advice you are likely to receive!
Men who pester their partners for sex all the time usually are not getting regular sex (which could be their own fault). Your partner is clearly content with the frequency of intimacy in your relationship. Chill.

Hi OP, Have you been looking into anxious attachment? This makes people clingy and "annoying". It's not your fault! You're just missing some self regulation skills. Can be learned and you will 100% become less "annoying"!

Yes I did thank you. It's me to a tee! Very interesting

That's great! It takes a while to change habits and behaviours but it absolutely can be done. Tell him what you're going to work on and he will be relieved that you're finally naming what's going on for you.

Name It to Tame It!

@JustaquestionpleaseFor me a man who still wants it 3 times a week after 15 years wants it “all the time” 🤣. Congratulations 🔥

Seriously though I think these things are subjective. And everyone has different sex drives. A lot of men don’t want it all the time

I think 1 -3 times a week is teally good after 15 years together. My H and I are 1/2 a week. We've been together 16 years. I think life gets in the way. We are busy and tired.

Have you got any clarity from him @Justaquestionplease ?

Does he ever instigate sex?

Yes he does. Probably more than me. We do have sex every week. He's in his fifties and says he thinks he's doing OK according to the research! The thing is I'd probably ideally have sex at least once a day, I'd be happy with two or three times. I admit I'm probably unusual! The thing is i hear other women say their husbands want it constantly

Ok, there is not a man on the planet who's in his 50s who's getting it up 2 to three times a day.

The only bloke you're going to find who is capable of that is most likely under the age on consent. Seriously.

I'm in my 40s, and I could probably do it for a day or two if I abstained for a week first. And by day two my penis would be telling me "Piss off, I need a nap."