Do all men want it all the time?

[Justaquestionplease]

DH and I have been together for 15 years...we probably have sex 1-3 times a week. Occasionally less, rarely more. I'd happily have more but I'm absolutely fine with this....he is also happy with this.

However all I seem to read on posts here, in the media and amongst other women is how their husbands want sex all the time and can't leave them alone. My DH doesn't want sex all the time. He is not constantly all over me. All these things I read now just make me insecure. Why doesn't he when all other women's husbands want sex all the time? Am I ugly? Is there something unattractive about me? Now I know objectively I'm not ugly... I'm conventionally attractive and still get chatted up by men if I go out. But I just can't help but wonder what is so wrong with me compared to all these other women who have rampant husbands? It really gnaws away at my self esteem.

So I guess my question is...do all men want sex all the time? If you're in a long term relationship is your DH more like mine? I feel like a freak as a woman.

I have a higher sex drive than my partner. I'd happily have it every day. Initially it was a couple of times a week which I could live with, then it drifted off to once a week, then once every couple of weeks.

We then did it saturday after almost 3 weeks, and he joked yesterday saying that was my lot for the next month.

Need to talk to him properly about it really as I do need to feel wanted, but he shuts down if I talk about it. I'm terrible at communicating anyway so its going to be a difficult one to resolve. But I just think if he only fancies me enough for monthly sex then why is he still with me, he should go find someone he does fancy 🤷‍♀️

It’s not fair for one person to keep having to initiate sex, I’m fed up doing this, it should be flowing not hard work. My OH is just like a stone lately. I’ve had enough. I’m just beyond hurt.

OP after 15 years, to be having sex up to three times a week you are doing very well.
many couples of the same or less relationship duration will be having far less sex, or even none, for various reasons.

@Justaquestionplease 1 - 3 times a week is very good after 15 years and certainly not something to be insecure about! You really wouldn't want to be married to a sex pest who fondles your bum or tits every five minutes, or makes a grab for your crotch when you're trying to drive the car. That's the sort of thing you read about on Mumsnet and those women are in despair about it, not delighted. I think you're projecting some other insecurity in your life.

No they don't and when they don't initiate it with us , then it feels like a rejection.

Because I want to feel desired

1-3 times a week is probably above average after 15 years. You’ve created a problem out of nothing.

If you are reading about other women complaining that their hsubands are constantly pestering them for sex, where as yours is happy with 1-3 times weekly consensual and non coercive sex, perhaps you should be looking at the silver lining and not the cloud...

I always think men want sex because they’re testosterone driven and horny. Not particularly because their wives are irresistible. This is why a beautiful wife never stopped an unfaithful man from cheating.

I didn’t even realise that this female mindset of ‘sex to feel desired’ was a thing until I stated reading MN. Don’t women want sex for their own sex drive and horniness? Not just for their ego? It explained so much of why women put up with sex pests and letchy men.

I just find that so odd but I’m obviously in the minority.

I think what I'm wondering is the women whose husbands constantly want sex, is it because those women are so much more attractive and desirable than me? If I was prettier would my DH start being like that? Is the issue I suppose to do with the man or the attractiveness of the woman?

Yep, this. That’s a lot of sex for a long marriage.

The man is having sex with you 3 times a week - it doesn’t find you unattractive. I think this is more a self esteem issue than a sex issue

No it’s nothing to do with that, and any woman who has been in a relationship where she’s constantly pestered will tell you that it doesn’t feel like being desired in a positive sense.

This is your insecurity at work.

Are you seriously saying that you want to have been pestered for sex by your husband every single day for 15 years and ongoing? Its not normal to think that pestering you for sex is the only way your husband can show he 'desires' you. Honestly it sounds like you need therapy.

You clearly have a higher sex drive than your DH. This will lead to problems in a marriage. It’s not that you are less attractive than other women. It’s that he has a lower sex drive. It is incompatibility.

My husband would happily have sex every day but he would never pester for it. I don’t think it’s anything to do with anyone’s desirability though, everyone’s sex drives are just different. It’s problematic if you have a very big mismatch but generally you find a middle ground that works for both parties, which it sounds like you have done.

Yes but a while ago I read a thread on here where where a woman asked other women how often their husbands want sex and it was full of replies saying several times a day or constantly. It made me feel shit

It wouldn't be pestering though because if he does initiate, I am always happy to

1-3x a week after 15 years seems pretty good. DH and I are similar and it works for us! Plenty of people in long term relationships have sex rarely, or never.
I think people who say their husbands want sex all the time are likely refusing repeated requests, and only having sex occasionally.

Usually the type of men that are constantly pestering for sex are men that couldn't give a shiny shit what the woman looks like they just see a woman as something to fuck. Also there is far more to your worth than being pretty - being loved and desired and found attractive is far more than just a looks thing. Would you expect never to have sex again if you had an accident that scarred your face for example? Or if you aged normally and got wrinkles and jowls? Or gained weight in menopause? If you value yourself only based on how pretty you are you are in for a tough life as you get older.

You shouldn't take everything on here as gospel truth though. Some people exaggerate for effect.

Also, some people place different meanings on words- so 'constantly' could mean literally all the time (unlikely) or frequently (which could mean three times a week).

I could tell you that DP wants sex all the time and leave it at that. But that's not the whole truth- I suspect he does want it all the time, but we're in our 50s and work/kids/hobbies get in the way and we get tired. (we also get random aches and pains that make the thought of actually having sex feel more like hard work). I also want sex all the time- but sometimes I'm too tired/cba to do the work or whatever. It doesn't mean I fancy DP any less (he's really hot), it's just life getting in the way.

Wanting sex doesn't necessarily mean having sex, no matter how much you fancy your partner.

I think sometimes the 'my husband only wants me for sex' thing is shorthand for 'my husband only really thinks of me when he wants sex; he doesn't pay me any attention or even notice me otherwise. He doesn't talk to me, make casual contact, hug me or make any effort in my general direction unless it's to ask for sex.'

Which can feel very much like 'all he wants is sex all the time' to be fair.

OP, your husband absolutely does fancy you. If he didn’t, you’d know about it in one way or another. I’ve been married 20 years, we have sex on average 3-4 times a week. In the other 3 days my husband doesn’t fancy me less, he just might not be arsed or had a bad day. He doesn’t not desire you - that’s being silly, he’s just a normal functioning man. Some men want to nob like a robotic action man - in out in out. They might be shagging their wives 10 times a week, doesn’t mean she’s having a good time. Do you want lots of sex or good sex?

Thank you all for these replies...I genuinely appreciate it. This has been causing me so much angst recently so it's good to see things from a different perspective

Honestly, it’s depressing and quite disturbing that you’d read a thread where a woman is despairing over her lecherous sex pest husband who won’t respect the fact she doesn’t want to be manhandled all the time and come to any other conclusion than he’s misogynist, coercive and predatory and doesn’t see women as any more than a sex toy. I have never seen a single thread where a woman is happy about her husband being like this.

But no, someone’s sex drive has absolutely no relation to how attractive their partner is.