Do all men want it all the time?

[Justaquestionplease]

DH and I have been together for 15 years...we probably have sex 1-3 times a week. Occasionally less, rarely more. I'd happily have more but I'm absolutely fine with this....he is also happy with this.

However all I seem to read on posts here, in the media and amongst other women is how their husbands want sex all the time and can't leave them alone. My DH doesn't want sex all the time. He is not constantly all over me. All these things I read now just make me insecure. Why doesn't he when all other women's husbands want sex all the time? Am I ugly? Is there something unattractive about me? Now I know objectively I'm not ugly... I'm conventionally attractive and still get chatted up by men if I go out. But I just can't help but wonder what is so wrong with me compared to all these other women who have rampant husbands? It really gnaws away at my self esteem.

So I guess my question is...do all men want sex all the time? If you're in a long term relationship is your DH more like mine? I feel like a freak as a woman.

I understand, although it's not just sex, it's also because my DH never gives compliments about how I look. I hear other women say oh my husband tells me I'm beautiful every day...like seriously, do most men do that?

Men are not a uniform blob. Some give compliments some do not. Some like football, some do not. Some have high libidos, some do not. And so on.

Hi @Justaquestionplease . My partner has only told me I am beautiful once in 6 years together. We have a great sex life and he can’t keep his hands off me if we are home alone together. However at one point it did really get me down. I did sit him down and ask him if he’s attracted to me. His answer was “ I would not be able to do the things I do to you if I wasn’t attracted to you”. It’s similar to how your husband has told you he is attracted to you. You need to believe him or find a way to do this before you drive him away. Has anything happened in the past to make you not trust his actions or words?

For me, in the last month my partner has started to give me compliments. He’s called me sexy a few times. He’s commented as a few men were looking at me in a dress that he finds quite sexy too and said “ I look at you too when you are wearing that dress”. And I know that’s true as he’s initiated when I’ve been wearing that dress. Compliments do not come easy to my partner but like you, they mean a lot to me. I do need validation as I’m peri, horny and to be honest my confidence has taken a bit of a dip due to change in hormones / body shape. 3 times is the sweet spot in our relationship, sometimes we both want more or less. You need to remember it’s the connection and quality of the sex too not just how many times.

Your husband does initiate so that’s really positive. But you do not believe he desires you, this is a you problem even though he hasn’t turned you away when you initiate. Please be kind to yourself. Peri does make us act like a crazy woman at time. But get some therapy for your confidence.

I've never been told I'm beautiful at all. I was once told "you're pretty, pretty ugly" by a random boy at school. I don't think I'm unattractive at all but that horrible comment has unfortunately stuck 🥺

@Justaquestionplease ,

Having realised in your previous post that your self esteem was based unhealthily on your attractiveness/sex appeal, you are back to type with your most recent.

I would say that the amount of sex you are having based on your age and length of relationship is average or maybe a little over average. And, I would guess it is rare for men to compliment their wives on their looks all the time; maybe ‘in bed’ or when they are dressed up to go somewhere special.

Of course, averages don’t matter and only you know what is enough for you. But, I think therapy could really help you here. You need to unpick why you need continuous validation in this one specific area.

And, also, you need to talk to your partner. This entire thread has been about what you need. What about his wants/needs? You can’t assume that being greeted in lingerie is some kind of a present for him. Maybe he would like to be greeted with a drink and to chat about his day while unwinding. And then, maybe, gradually progress to more intimacy….or not.

I guess the key point is that if this is a good relationship in most ways, it is worth working together on the few problem areas, maybe with the help of a therapist.

If you left him to find a more passionate man, you might find him to be less kind or interesting or lacking in many other ways.

I’m afraid you are, you’re bullying him and manipulating him, with your silly comments about being ugly leaving websites open etc. imagine being on the receiving end of that, if a man was doing it to a woman, would you still think he wasn’t a sex pest.

ypu clearly have very very low self esteem and honestly need help.your behaviour to your husband is abusive.

This kind of clingy (and frankly unhinged) behaviour and constant need for validation is going to drive your husband away if you're not careful. Not because he doesn't fancy you, but because your behaviour will be making him miserable.

If any partner of mine left websites open to make me worry that he might cheat, he'd be shown the door pronto. That is abusive, manipulative behaviour and not the way a decent person treats someone they're supposed to love.

You really need to do something about it.

Have you never met a man? Been in another relationship? Observed other relationships? You must know men are all different, as women are all different? So, why are you asking questions like ‘men’ are some completely alien and entirely homogeneous species?

This is why people think this can’t be real. Who thinks like this?

Everyone is different i agree, but quite frankly if you're a man who dares to even mention sex on here you're doomed. Mumsnet is supposed to be for parents which in my book means all sexes but i think the audience is probably 90% Women, 10% Men, so if you are going to start a thread about the fact you're not getting any at home don't bother because you're going to get slammed from every angle, and not in a good way...

What on earth does any of that have to do with either this thread or my comment?

Libidos massively vary among men and women. And they vary throughout our lives as well.

Sounds like you enjoy a healthy, frequent and enjoyable sex life with your husband. You have absolutely no need to worry. If this is genuinely concerning you, I wonder if counselling would help?

(I have had counselling for self esteem issues and it has helped me massively!l

Some men do and some don't. My counsellor told me when I was troubled by this in a relationship, that I should make it clear to my partner that I would like him to compliment me more, as most people will do this when they realise it's needed, if they genuonely love and care for their partner.

I spoke to my then partner and he basically implied I was insecure and needy for needing this. We broke up, he wasn't for me. My next partner didn't compliment me much either - we also broke up in the end.

We all need different things in relationships and we all give different things. It's about compatibility.

Your first ports of call should be therapy, to work on your self esteem and work out what you need from your relationship and what it's reasonable to ask for.

Then speak to your partner about your needs, and see if he is willing to meet them.

To some extent society conditions women to judge ourselves on our attractiveness. But it sounds like you may currently be somewhat more insecure about this than us comfortable for you, so some form of talking therapy would be a great step. Good luck, and don't be too hard on yourself. We all have our insecurities and our messy bits - at least you are open to exploring and working on yours!

Nothing 😀 i hit quote instead of post so it added it as a response to your comment

You sound like you have major self esteem issues OP.

The issue here is all you.

I doubt it’s anything to do with the attractiveness of the woman and everything to do with the man and life itself.

i think I’m perfectly ok looking but certainly not stunning, not big boobed etc. in a stereotypically sexy way either but quite content with how I look (except perhaps my mom pooch post partum). After over 6 years together (and a lot of children between us as we both brought kids to the relationship) My soon to be husband can’t keep his hands off me but is absolutely not a sex pest either. However, he also gets tired by life or the stresses of raising kids and isn’t constantly in the mood.

i can only think of one time where he actually turned down sex because he was really dejected about something, but there are plenty of nights I can simply tell he’s not in the mood so don’t try to initiate anything - we still cuddle and are affectionate though as that’s equally important. But I don’t think your question isn’t so much about frequency but the fact your partner never initiates any intimacy. That is a bigger issue and something you really need to address.

I'm in my 60's and I have never heard any woman say "oh my husband tells me I'm beautiful every day". If I did come across someone saying that I'd assume she was insufferably vain and probably wheedled it out of him by asking him whether he thought she looked beautiful in that dress or whatever. And nobody but a fool would answer 'no you look hideous' to that question!

Besides, would you really want your DH commenting on your appearance every day, as if what you look like is all that matters to him?

Outside of sex and physical appearance, what's your relationship with him like?

Do you feel like he enjoys your company?
Do you feel like he listens to you?
Do you feel like he looks forward to spending time with you?
Do you feel valued for your kindness, humour, sense of fun, intelligence, or other personality traits?

Why does it all ride on how much he wants to fuck you? Is it the only meaningful connection you have with him?

I would hate a man who constantly gushed about my looks; I would find it creepy, tbh.

Though when I met my husband, he did say I looked like Raquel Welch, who was in her heyday at that time. I was understandably flattered.
Some time later she was in a film on the TV, I asked him who it was....he had no idea.😆
The moral here is, men can be such bullshitters. 😏