I think I have to leave my husband

[PlaidJane]

I have had a nice little life the past few years with my DH, we get on well he’s a nice guy generally and we have an enjoyable time together. He’s quite insecure in his looks and not overly confident so I do feel I fall into the pattern of being a bit motherly, you know giving him reassurance. He says a lot of the time that I’m out of his league. This isn’t wildly attractive I’m sure some people would agree and I can find it annoying as I am not that shallow, I want someone who makes me feel loved and is nice that’s all.

I’d say the issue in our relationship up until now is that I feel like I am putting on a perfect persona all the time as he finds it hard to cope with me in any other raw format version. He gets defensive and upset if I have any Big Feelings - even if they aren’t related to him at all. Therefore I don’t share many big or small feelings with him. Hence the plodding along.

Over time I recognise I feel friendly affection for him with our lives tied together in a house and joint assets etc and I wasn’t going to disrupt anything.

I am a people pleaser and I find it so hard to let people down or put myself first.

I have been working on a short term project with another man for some months now which has ended. During this time we got along great, but I didn’t think anything much of it as I knew the project would end and mostly thought just this guy is a nice guy.

I don’t think we spoke emotionally or overshared our personal lives more than normal colleagues, we worked well as a team and had good fun in the process. As the project came to an end and we said goodbye, we both simultaneously appeared to realise we had formed some kind of feelings for each other.

I assume this is what happens to movie stars on film sets or strictly shows, when you spend a lot of time with someone in close proximity. So I’m not sure it’s real at all. I got worried I was in limerance so was working on detachment

We have had one honest in person conversation about this where we shared exactly identical experiences and thoughts about each other - it’s so weird and uncanny. I feel like we just wanted to check we were not going mad and deluded in our own minds? These moments in our minds were totally identical realisations or memories, matched each other in sync. This has never happened to me before. We both admitted we had grown attracted to each other physically but more than that, we liked each others personalities and couldn’t stop thinking about the other. It’s affecting both our sleep and appetites. We have agreed we need to detach because it’s very dangerous

Running off together is ridiculous, this isn’t some big romantic movie, also this is an awful thing to do to my husband. I’d rather be single right now and have none of this hassle I just want to run away from everything and everyone

I think I’m having a midlife crisis of some kind and I have to leave my DH but I don’t know where to even begin to detangle our complex finances. We don’t have any savings and a huge mortgage and the market is terrible right now for selling. I also feel sick at the thought of telling him I’m not romantically in love with him as it would break his heart.

Hi @PlaidJane I hope you are ok.
I have read through the thread and am lost for words really. He sounds incredibly manipulative.
You have played right into his hands with regards to your DD's though by remaining 'vague'. You would have done them a massive favour by been truthful and showing them they do not need to tolerate abuse from inadequate men.
This is the relationship they have been modeled, they have watched you twist yourself into his perfect woman. I think a truthful conversation with them is needed before they make the same mistakes. Maybe family therapy?

Things are ok with my DD’s now but no thanks to him sometimes.

ExDH was WFH yesterday which I didn’t know and the desk is in our room. I came home from work and he said I could come in the room as I needed to sort my clothes out. I was sorting my clothes and I asked if he could work together with me to come up with a plan to cohabit to make everyone feel comfortable. My DD’s were downstairs. I also said I sent him a schedule every Sunday at his request but he never sends his back to me, please could he do this.

I also said it was frustrating to receive responses to my emails from him that were generated by AI, because sometimes they don’t actually address the matter at hand and are repetitive and it’s not solving anything.

basically he screamed at me the following:

all I do is create conflict
I’ve set out to destroy him
I didn’t speak to him last week when he was polite to me so I have no right to talk to him now
it’s not his fault my DD’s are upset - I’m an adult, I need to sort this out for myself he gets on with them with no issues so the problem is me I’m not making the effort
he’s in 3 kinds of therapy after what I’ve done to him
I don’t tell him where I am going or when I’m home (except I do)
he never asked me to sleep in the garage I am just doing it to play the victim
I always think I am right
I hide from him to make a point as I’m not afraid of him

He then stormed out

my DD’s asked me if I was suffering from a mental breakdown due to my decisions

they heard the row said we was as bad as each other

I asked if they heard me shouting, they admitted I wasn’t shouting and the way he shouts at me is mean and confrontational, however they think I stay calm on purpose to irritate him as I know it winds him up

I did talk it over with DD’s as they heard the whole thing and they said I should just stand my ground and use the house when I want to as it’s my house so I didn’t hide but slept in the living room

No offers on our house yet unfortunately

The one thing that won't make sense at all is other people's reactions - his and your DDs' behaviour and attitudes. It's hard to keep your focus steady, but you must.

Thanks yes I think I am doing ok with my kids now.

I tried on my wedding and engagement rings yesterday and just sat looking at them. I just don’t recognise the people we have become. I don’t know how things unravel this fast and how things can turn so hateful so fast.

Then I start going over this thread and trying to work out where things changed and if me having an attraction for someone else was the catalyst or the straw that broke the camels back and if I am a bad person. I still carry this guilt which makes it hard to look at him but also he’s always angry which doesn’t help

You wouldn't have been attracted to someone else if this was a happy marriage.

You won't start to understand what was wrong with it until you look back on it from a safe distance, with a bit more life experience under your belt.

I agree with the above. It's hard to work out when you're in the midst of it. I wonder if he is the type to act ok when things are going his way and things have to always be "positive"? I find those types v controlling and often they display v different traits when you don't do what they want. It's likely a combination of you not realising what he was really like and also reaching a point of not putting up with shit anymore. You don't sound remotely like a bad person. You should give some of the kindness you have shown to him to yourself now. You deserve it

@JJkate this is exactly what I realised was happening. He was fine when things were going well and I am usually a glass half full person but I have a tendency to see so much of both sides of each others perspectives it often leads to terrible indecision, and then usually giving way to the other person as I assume if they feel more strongly about something than I do, that their opinion or feelings are more important than mine.

In fact this was something my ex colleague had pointed out to me, that I was not standing up for my own opinions and my opinions did matter and they were often good.

I really am the type of person to never mind what I eat, I don’t have strong opinions on most food and will eat anything but this can irritate him

I had a realisation last night that some of my dishonesty caused a lot of miscommunication so this is a lesson learned.

Because I didn’t want to tell him he was getting on my nerves, I would just repeat the phrase ‘oh I had a bad day at work’ as a reason for my quietness . He then became obsessed that I needed to change jobs as I would be happier. I did not even realise I was doing this to hide my real feelings from him but when I had a good day at work, he wasn’t interested as he was only focused on the bad days. This became a symbol of our dysfunction

Why are you in the garage and he in your bedroom? He should be in the garage, and you in the house with your DD's. Is there nowhere else he could go? And would he leave?

Because he’s just not very nice!

I do have somewhere I can stay from time to time a friend puts me up kindly but I didn’t like to outstay my welcome

He should be looking to go, not you. He's a twat, we all know. But is there anyway you can get him out? You need to be with your DDs as a unit. He's the interloper now, but, manipulative arse that he is, he's disrupting that

I get that. I think a lot women do and once hit a certain age we find it's pretty thankless and stop. The next chapter could be great for you, to find out what and who you do like and put your energies there. It's really hard but try to tune into your instincts and try to let go of the conditioning that you're responsible for everyone else's feelings. You're not.

Then don't leave him with your children because he's dripping poison in their ears.

They go to their dads, friends, boyfriends, work, college etc, they don’t cross paths with him all that often in all honesty. I am home most of the time and I am back in the main house now.