I think I have to leave my husband

[PlaidJane]

I have had a nice little life the past few years with my DH, we get on well he’s a nice guy generally and we have an enjoyable time together. He’s quite insecure in his looks and not overly confident so I do feel I fall into the pattern of being a bit motherly, you know giving him reassurance. He says a lot of the time that I’m out of his league. This isn’t wildly attractive I’m sure some people would agree and I can find it annoying as I am not that shallow, I want someone who makes me feel loved and is nice that’s all.

I’d say the issue in our relationship up until now is that I feel like I am putting on a perfect persona all the time as he finds it hard to cope with me in any other raw format version. He gets defensive and upset if I have any Big Feelings - even if they aren’t related to him at all. Therefore I don’t share many big or small feelings with him. Hence the plodding along.

Over time I recognise I feel friendly affection for him with our lives tied together in a house and joint assets etc and I wasn’t going to disrupt anything.

I am a people pleaser and I find it so hard to let people down or put myself first.

I have been working on a short term project with another man for some months now which has ended. During this time we got along great, but I didn’t think anything much of it as I knew the project would end and mostly thought just this guy is a nice guy.

I don’t think we spoke emotionally or overshared our personal lives more than normal colleagues, we worked well as a team and had good fun in the process. As the project came to an end and we said goodbye, we both simultaneously appeared to realise we had formed some kind of feelings for each other.

I assume this is what happens to movie stars on film sets or strictly shows, when you spend a lot of time with someone in close proximity. So I’m not sure it’s real at all. I got worried I was in limerance so was working on detachment

We have had one honest in person conversation about this where we shared exactly identical experiences and thoughts about each other - it’s so weird and uncanny. I feel like we just wanted to check we were not going mad and deluded in our own minds? These moments in our minds were totally identical realisations or memories, matched each other in sync. This has never happened to me before. We both admitted we had grown attracted to each other physically but more than that, we liked each others personalities and couldn’t stop thinking about the other. It’s affecting both our sleep and appetites. We have agreed we need to detach because it’s very dangerous

Running off together is ridiculous, this isn’t some big romantic movie, also this is an awful thing to do to my husband. I’d rather be single right now and have none of this hassle I just want to run away from everything and everyone

I think I’m having a midlife crisis of some kind and I have to leave my DH but I don’t know where to even begin to detangle our complex finances. We don’t have any savings and a huge mortgage and the market is terrible right now for selling. I also feel sick at the thought of telling him I’m not romantically in love with him as it would break his heart.

I can’t afford it, I am already getting into debt because we are no longer pooling money for shared expenses like food and we had holidays booked in advance we ended up having to still pay for. This is why I am meeting an FA next week because I think I need help moving money around and making a plan so I can see what I am doing.

No he can’t buy me out the house is going on the market next week, the photos have been done.

You said in a previous post you only communicate with him via e-mail or an app so how are these long discussions happening? Try not to feel sorry for him he will see your kindness as weakness then make unfair comments about and to you

We still live in the same house and he approaches me. I agree

you need to turn on your heel and walk away, every single time

saying I am not discussing this with you, we are getting divorced - please put anything and everything in writing.

You say "if he was any good at being manipulative" ... but this is a different kind of manipulation: one that is based on your shared belief (you'll emerge from it once you're rid of him, I promise you!) that it is your job to look after him.

My ex DH, in circumstances like yours, was so angry about me keeping my distance that he said he needed the "comfort" of sex and didn't see that it would be any skin off my nose to provide it.

It's fucked-up thinking, OP. He is completely incapable of recognising you as a human being with feelings of your own, and this has completely erased you.

The only escape from this madness is to get out of that toxic marriage. Well done for acting on your instincts, while you still have a shred of your own identity left. You will never regret this, especially as you begin to realise over time just how browbeaten you've been.

I’m having a struggle.

He has initiated so many of these deep traumatic conversations with me I am at the point of having to just blank him, and I feel horrible about doing it because it feels childish and petty

The last conversation in person we had was 2 weeks ago where he asked me to reconsider the decision to break up, again. He was still angry and not warm towards me. I did shut it down but he tried to pick it back up again a few days later. He asked me to be horrible to him because it would help him to hate me.

Then I got legal advice and it contradicted what he had been telling me so I was clear I will not be signing any documents as he needs to negotiate with me on equity.

I have since been out with my ex male colleague a few of times (who is very nice to me) and I was honest with my DD’s about where I was going and who with in an information way because they worry.

They think it’s terrible I went out with a man who likes me, and that he was clearly the only reason I left my husband, and now both think I’m dreadful and bringing problems on myself. They are talking to me but barely.

I do understand where they are coming from as in worry about me, and there is no point defending myself, I don’t have the energy, problem is I am now even more isolated and lonely. I am trying not to have a victim mentality but he’s made me feel so uncomfortable when he is in the house I have been sleeping in our converted garage and he’s in the bed.

Not one of DH’s family or friends who I spent many years with/around has reached out to me one single time. Now my DD’s live in the house with him and I am outside in the garden.

I’ve been doing all the house prep for viewings as he just leaves it to me. We have no offers from these and no new viewings booked. This could be many months.

he’s made me feel so uncomfortable when he is in the house I have been sleeping in our converted garage and he’s in the bed

It was like this for me, too, OP. It's the shame that gets you, the feeling that you have no right to do any of this. You do, and you must. Whatever it takes to get you through. At least you have your own space in the garage and can get a taste of what that feels like.

I can understand why you are reaching out in desperation for some kind of support, but it's a shame the colleague has muddied the waters somewhat. Life is messy, but in an ideal world you'd find encouragement from a more neutral source. In the absence of real friends to compare notes with, I find Copilot excellent at thrashing out ideas and feelings. It has the benefit of being free, instantly accessible, and very good at clarifying patterns.

I have been talking to AI and I have also done a few whole online courses on both attachment, anxiety and recognising patterns and avoiding abuse and also read a lot of books.

Yes it’s a shame and I feel ashamed of it that I am drawn to him, so I have taken some space to work out if it’s isolation drawing me to him or something about him, but space just makes me feel more isolated and confused at times but also lovely, as no pressure on me. I am drawn to him but need to know if it’s for the right or wrong reasons. I don’t mind my own company but spending hours in a cold garage isn’t very enjoyable at times. I dread even going in to use the toilet.

I do have a few friends but they have busy lives and I don’t like to drain them.

Colleague guy is easy going, kind, practical and low pressure. I also try not to lean on him for anything either, so he is just someone nice to spend time with away from my otherwise isolating life. Rather than just transferring my misery to him it’s an escape for a couple of hours. I gather he’s in the same boat and looking for companionship, as he’s suggested visiting places in the UK that take our interest and exploring places in the future.

Currently at my desk at work practicing some grounding techniques and trying positive thinking.

You don’t need to tell your daughters about all the details. It’s your private life.

I did think this but they put a lot of pressure on me, now decided I am sneaky and untrustworthy. There is no point in me trying to fight what other people believe about me

Op, I've read your whole thread and I just want to say that I think you're doing really well. Keep going! I left my ex-h a few years ago and those first months of trying to sort out finances etc are so difficult... but 9 years down the line I feel so much better and happier. The same will happen for you too, I'm certain. 💐

BTW - you don't need to tell your daughters anything. They have absolutely no right to criticise you.

HE is feeding them this narrative and putting pressure on them to find out your movements. He is influencing them and it's harmful. Please don't engage with this any more.

They are punishing me. They know he’s in the house and I’m in the garage and I went in to use the loo the other day could hear them all laughing and chatting away in the kitchen. The DD’s only contacted me to ask me to do jobs for them so I said no. They also told my extended family (who don’t live nearby) and they have withdrawn their support and aren’t interested anymore as feel I haven’t been honest.

I made my bed so have to lie in it. I feel like I’m better off on my own

Ex DH made a comment ‘loads of people’ had sent him evidence that posted a story on social media of a trip I took with one of my DD’s a few weeks ago, and I’m clearly ‘living it up’ with my new life and new friends so I assume this is the narrative he’s putting around. I have now removed them from SM

The only way out is through all this hideousness, unfortunately. You just have to grin and bear it. It's not easy.

Your DDs can't understand any of it right now, but time has a way of revealing more truth to people.

Agree with others OP. Keep doing what you're doing, practice breathing exercises every day to calm your nervous system. No point arguing with others who have been manipulated or can't see the truth. Keep your own counsel and try to back yourself and believe in your intuition and your value and worth. This is a horrible short term period of pain that will be over soon. Don't worry what others think of your friend. Do what you need to get away and stay sane. Sending you best wishes and strength.

God he's a horrendous person. You will get through this op x

Be aware that abusers like to say “loads of people/everyone else thinks/says/agrees with me”. To try make you think you’re in the wrong and make you feel alone. It’s quite often, complete bs.

I’ve been very withdrawn around him, very little contact. Not that I expect him to, but he’s not checked if I am actually ok seen as I’m living in the garage and clearly too uncomfortable to come into the house most of the time.

Tonight I was in the house at the same time for 10 mins before he left and I was making food, same story he’s stomping around, banging things, huffing and puffing and giving me passive aggressive updates ‘I’ve cleaned the kitchen’ and making a big deal of scrubbing a stain off the floor. I last cleaned the house and haven’t barely lived in it for weeks so all the PA behaviour is completely OTT. I assume it’s because I am withdrawn. But despite trying to get me back with him he’s never actually once ever checked on me for my welfare. It’s mind blowing but also sad.

My DD’s are out so no one is home. I’m getting an early night and trying to work out what to do. They don’t want me to see colleague friend anymore, and say I’ve thrown it all away because I can’t be alone, I’ve got mental problems and never think about anyone else but myself.

He's punishing you, your DDs are punishing you. Ouch. Try not to punish yourself OP. This too shall pass. I know it sounds trite but you will get there, and it will be worth it.

Are your DD's and STBXH blind to the fact that you had already decided to separate months before the coffee with your ex-colleague?

I suppose it works for them; DD's don't have to question their Dad's behaviour and he isn't going to disagree (preferring the "victim" personna).

You deserve better from them all.

I started reading thinking “there’ll be another man somewhere”, and lo and behold there is.

its “the script”

ah i should have read the whole thing first…

Virtual hugs 💐
Hang in there. You have done nothing wrong. Your DDs are probably too young and inexperienced in relationships to understand. Hopefully they’ll move past it once the living situation is resolved, so focus on that, as hard as it is.

He’s not even their dad

Got it, sorry.

No really it’s fine, I just felt really down but I am perked up a bit today. It’s nearly the weekend