I think I have to leave my husband

[PlaidJane]

I have had a nice little life the past few years with my DH, we get on well he’s a nice guy generally and we have an enjoyable time together. He’s quite insecure in his looks and not overly confident so I do feel I fall into the pattern of being a bit motherly, you know giving him reassurance. He says a lot of the time that I’m out of his league. This isn’t wildly attractive I’m sure some people would agree and I can find it annoying as I am not that shallow, I want someone who makes me feel loved and is nice that’s all.

I’d say the issue in our relationship up until now is that I feel like I am putting on a perfect persona all the time as he finds it hard to cope with me in any other raw format version. He gets defensive and upset if I have any Big Feelings - even if they aren’t related to him at all. Therefore I don’t share many big or small feelings with him. Hence the plodding along.

Over time I recognise I feel friendly affection for him with our lives tied together in a house and joint assets etc and I wasn’t going to disrupt anything.

I am a people pleaser and I find it so hard to let people down or put myself first.

I have been working on a short term project with another man for some months now which has ended. During this time we got along great, but I didn’t think anything much of it as I knew the project would end and mostly thought just this guy is a nice guy.

I don’t think we spoke emotionally or overshared our personal lives more than normal colleagues, we worked well as a team and had good fun in the process. As the project came to an end and we said goodbye, we both simultaneously appeared to realise we had formed some kind of feelings for each other.

I assume this is what happens to movie stars on film sets or strictly shows, when you spend a lot of time with someone in close proximity. So I’m not sure it’s real at all. I got worried I was in limerance so was working on detachment

We have had one honest in person conversation about this where we shared exactly identical experiences and thoughts about each other - it’s so weird and uncanny. I feel like we just wanted to check we were not going mad and deluded in our own minds? These moments in our minds were totally identical realisations or memories, matched each other in sync. This has never happened to me before. We both admitted we had grown attracted to each other physically but more than that, we liked each others personalities and couldn’t stop thinking about the other. It’s affecting both our sleep and appetites. We have agreed we need to detach because it’s very dangerous

Running off together is ridiculous, this isn’t some big romantic movie, also this is an awful thing to do to my husband. I’d rather be single right now and have none of this hassle I just want to run away from everything and everyone

I think I’m having a midlife crisis of some kind and I have to leave my DH but I don’t know where to even begin to detangle our complex finances. We don’t have any savings and a huge mortgage and the market is terrible right now for selling. I also feel sick at the thought of telling him I’m not romantically in love with him as it would break his heart.

Have you spoken to him about how his insecurity and need for reassurance is draining? Maybe he doesn't realise that it is not good for you to hear this. He probably thinks he is giving you compliments by saying he is not good enough.

I would have a talk about how the negative self-talk is affecting you.

It strikes me that at some level you are shielding yourself from being fully, authentically open as yourself.

You married a man who you protect, and while it’s obvious he has flaws, you chose this relationship too. Leaving it won’t change whatever it is in you that drew you to this situation.

Now you’re drawn to a man that you really don’t know, and have only had to reveal your work persona to. You haven’t had a chance to be completely real in that relationship either.

I honestly don’t think this is a crisis, but rather that you’re feeling the deeper currents of yourself which is common in mid life. It’s a time when we learn to tune into ourself and slough off the unnecessary.

This isnt to say leave, or don’t leave, nor is it to absolve your dh of his flaws, or blame either of you, but you need to figure out your own part in these dynamics too, or you risk it all playing out again in a different form.

I do feel my own mortality recently, as does my husband but we have reacted to this in polar opposite ways. I don’t want to be or stay small. Life is for living and I want to live my big authentic life. DH just wants to cope through like just on the ok line, neither big nor small.

I think the work version of me is far more passionate and expressive than the home version of me. And when I am relaxed although I am professional I feel more myself at work. I don’t find myself trying to find ways to escape being at work. Not everyone might like me, that’s fine, I might not always get everything right but I am getting a fulfilment.

At home I am just ‘there’

I’ve struggled with terrible anxiety my whole life which held me back, so I made myself small, when I met DH I became cured of anxiety, so I was fooled that I was fulfilled, but he doesn’t like my anxiety so I am hiding it and not living an open life.

You can't be yourself with DH/at home; you must always "put on a persona". It's hard to tell how much this self-censorship is something you've taken upon yourself and how much of it is imposed by him. It sounds like you are not communicating at all - e.g., letting him think a BBQ and sex = "support" when you really wanted a hug - but it's possible you've been so ground down by rejection or negative reactions that you don't feel it's worth explaining.

That last factor is probably why some posters mentioned emotional abuse; it's a common pattern for one partner to "train" the other to walk on eggshells by reacting to any transgression in a way that "punishes" her. Silent treatment, sulking, "oh poor me", and accusing the partner of various bad thoughts and actions are all examples. This eventually makes you feel so bad and guilty and regretful about expressing your genuine needs and desires, if they conflict with his, that you censor yourself before they even come out of your mouth. Keep in mind, HE is not self-censoring for YOU; he's letting it all hang out even though he's saying and doing things that make HIM less attractive to YOU.

But if, as you say, he won't go to counselling - neither alone to deal with his own issues nor couples therapy to try to rehabilitate your relationship and restore communication - that leaves you with 3 choices. (1) accept the situation that's making you unhappy and continue wasting time and energy working around it potentially forever. (2) Stay with him as a kind of housemate/financial partner and learn to ignore his negative reactions and do as you please (within reason). (3) Figure out how to leave.

If I were you I'd start using your more decisive "work persona" to deal practically with the situation. As a first step, quietly getting some legal advice about how to untangle finances and the living situation might make you feel more empowered and clear about your choices. And I would not feel guilty if you choose to leave. You may be right that he doesn't MEAN to hurt you, but if you've clearly communicated that you are unhappy and he refuses to discuss this honestly or consider any change then his original "intent" is almost irrelevant.

I disagree with the poster who said If a man wrote this post, he'd be absolutely ripped to shreds. If a man (or a woman) in this situation reported having an affair with or leaving their partner for the colleague then yes, they'd be sharply criticised. But what you've done (avoiding the affair but recognising the impulse as a "red flag" and trying to resolve and settle things with your partner before moving on) isn't unethical. You're right to compartmentalise the work "relationship", AND you can still use the experience to (1) figure out what's missing in your home life/relationship with your partner vs work life/relationship with colleagues and (2) gain confidence and perspective from the realisation that you DO connect with other people and you will meet other people you're compatible with; ending your marriage if you choose that route doesn't mean being alone forever and having no satisfying connections.

This was me a few years ago. I DID follow my heart and had a brief affair. Fucking ridiculous. Absolutely awful thing to do. After the work project was over I realised he wasn’t as amazing as I’d told myself. I confessed to my husband and we stayed together. I had told myself my husband was too dull for me or some other BS. Nope. I was just selfish and stupid. I bitterly regret it all. The limernace wears off. The in jokes stop being funny. It was like I lost my mind. Took years of therapy to move on.

my husband is just the best and I love him dearly. He has never held it against me or brought it up. The self loathing I felt nearly drove me to suicide. All because I thought the other guy was worth it. Yuk.

@OfficerChurlish I really appreciate your insight and the time you have taken to post. This is so helpful and a lot of points for me to consider.

He does use silent treatment.
He doesn’t like it when I am ill either

sometimes it’s not worth explaining as it will start an argument and I will feel even worse

I did try to explain about just needing a hug, but this is a repetitive issue I’ve raised lots of times that (genuine) hugs are pretty much all I would need or expect when I am not feeling great. Just a connection. I don’t need big gestures or solutions. I don’t think he listens.

Full transparency this man has left me twice, suddenly without warning during our relationship. Both times were because his feelings for me had changed because I was struggling mentally.

The last time he changed his mind and we got back together he said he was worried he had ruined things forever and I would hold it against him, so I party assume that’s why he married me after that, to try to show me he wanted to move on. We don’t talk about those times

It’s not until I’ve typed this out that I have realised maybe I have been trained to be tolerant the last time he left me I was blindsided and vulnerable, after I took him back we bought a big expensive house and got married so I was swept up in the gestures. I feel trapped by those. I could have left him more easily had I not accepted those terms

OP start being your real self with your husband and stop trying to please him. If he doesn't like it too bad really. Maybe have some sessions with a therapist to find and connect with your real self. I think you did that with your work colleague who sounds a good partner for you. Meet him again and see how it goes maybe

I can’t have an affair with colleague, because I will blow my life up into pieces and hurt so many people. Trust me, there is a selfish part of me that wants to just run to this guy but it’s all wrong and dangerous. He is single for starters, so I would be playing with that fire too, I don’t think it’s just a simple casual hook up attraction it’s got all the signs of a ridiculous addictive painful emotional entanglement. I have to stay away from him because he feels the same way which makes the temptation even harder.

Very wise to know you shouldn't run to this work guy.
I like the advice of trying to be yourself at home.
And yes it does sound like your DH has not been honest, loving and kind. It's ok to leave despite the house and marriage, if that what you need to do.

I don’t really have any friends in all honesty. I have no one to talk to or no one to go out with socially. What I want to do is build up my friendships and perhaps this will be more like my authentic self and he will have to like it or lump it

Honestly, I would leave your husband and be happy. Sod the big house. Life is too short. Don't deny yourself happiness, what if you could be with the other man properly? That will never happen while you're married,

It’s not that I care about the house; it’s the money, neither can afford to buy each other out. I don’t know where I would live, what if the house took a year to sell, who would live where? I don’t have anywhere to go.

I know it sounds exciting how I describe it, but he’s just a normal guy, he will have flaws. I don’t know what they are yet, we might fight like cat and dog and then what did I get myself into. My main issue was resisting the physical urge, it’s so so intoxicating but it’s not real it wouldn’t last. It’s not exciting in that we got both exhausted from the adrenaline and dopamine and it affected our jobs as we couldn’t concentrate which is why we ended up talking it out

I can sort my marriage out though and I need to start by not hiding myself away and challenging more

So when you showed need and vulnerability your husband left you. Twice.

Even if he isn't being consciously controlling that is obviously hanging over you like an axe.

OK, when you showed need and vulnerability the other day he did use a different approach - food, drink and sex. But you haven't told him (or at least he hasn't wanted to hear) that that wasn't what you were hoping for.

If you are more authentically needy more often, more insistently, how will he respond? I think your current dilemma is "dare I find out?"

But... what is the alternative. Maybe it's enough to build a life around, if he has good qualities too..But suppose you become ill/disabled/less 'aesthetically pleasing'? How might that play out. My dh has many irritating qualities (like everyone) and I wouldn't even say I am 100% myself with him, though we do pretty well

But I already know that if I become old (I already have!) or ill he will absolutely stick by me and be steadfast.

@DierdreDaphne I have a big fear of becoming older and sicker and this being an issue and him leaving me. I can blow my own trumpet but I have never looked better in my life than I do now, because somehow I have gone from being a low effort woman to a pretty high effort one who maintains an appearance during this RS. People comment that I’ve had a ‘glow up’ and then he’s always insecure about feeling like he had a glow down

I’m not very needy in my own opinion. I had to pretty much parent myself, been through therapy before, I’m resilient to manage and cope on my own. He is needy for my validation and he’s insecure. I’m not insecure, I’m sad.

There is no point asking for the hug, it didn’t come naturally, it’s not authentic if I am asking, I’ve told him, it’s not new. When I repeat myself to reiterate this kind of thing he gets defensive as he says I am assuming he’s stupid or forgotten and I’m judging him

Hes like that if I remind him of anything because he doesn’t like it when I might point out an error

This is just The Script. You’ve met someone you fancy so you’re trying to turn it into a big soul-searchy moment about how you’ve never been truly happy in your relationship. Men do this every time they have a bit of a flirt at work, read the hundreds of threads on it on here.

Yeah they do and yes this is most likely how this began as a seed of thought but fundamentally why was my head turned? Because I was ignoring things in my marriage

I have no contact with colleague now, no affair, one conversation took place and mutual agreement it was a bad idea. It’s I don’t want this guy I wanted the idea of him. I don’t think I want my husband either though. The most appealing outcome is to be on my own!

surely my experience shows that resisting temptations is a better option but that it might allow you to look inside your relationship with more clarity. Look its up to every individual how they see cheating, for me I didn’t cheat, I considered the possibility of doing it and then walked away.

This happens to a lot of people. I’ve been married 30 years and could easily have had an affair about 5/6 times during that period and all with work colleagues.

You have married your abuser, OP. The colleague had just made you realise the cracks in your marriage. Even before you gave this example I was feeling stifled on your behalf.

please look into options for where you can go. Seek help from women’s aid and line up some options. You deserve happiness and to be your full self.

You do have options. You could find a small flat, and rent it. Then you would have somewhere to go.
It really does sound like he doesn’t show you any love. It also sounds like you don’t have children so you are free to go if you are willing to make the jump. I’ve been married for years to a man who needs constant reassurance, but he shows me he loves and cares for me in all sorts of ways. It doesn’t have to be like this!

Boiled down you’ve the hots for another bloke and want to be single, and finding all sorts of reasons to justify that.

just end it, the finances will sort themselves. Better than that pitying your poor husband and staying for the money

Blimey, if ever a poster didn't live up to their username, it's you.

Your colleague is irrelevant in this in the sense that you're clearly unfulfilled in your marriage and your husband has some weird fetish with your looks/putting himself down for attention it's very immature and gross honestly. You're not your authentic self with him and whilst I understand you're concerned about finances, you're young and can't spend the rest of your life like this...

@PlaidJane - I have collated some of the things you have said in your various posts and these are below. Overall, I don't think your marriage is serving you. I don't think your husband is reliable or cares about you as he should. It sounds like what he most likes about you appears to be your looks and he has made very clear he is not interested in supporting you emotionally. He wants you to be good looking and convenient to him in everything you say and do.

"I don’t know if I feel he’s abusive. I suspect he might like how I look more than my personality though. So meeting someone who really seemed to ‘see’ my personality was jarring, I don’t feel my husband admires my personality as much as he admires my face or body. Usually when I am complimented by my husband it’s something visual. The irrelevant colleague confessed he thought I had a nice personality and I was kind to my colleagues and he admired it."

"Your top points were spot on, plus I feel sexually/visually objectified rather than a woman with my own personality too"

"I felt so down this weekend and I tentatively reached out to him and said ‘I feel a bit fragile and low, can you support me’ to which he said sure, and then he seemed to think the solution to this was for us to have a BBQ, have a few drinks and initiate drunk sex. What I probably wanted was just a heartfelt hug and kiss on the top of the head and to feel safe and loved"

"He does use silent treatment.
He doesn’t like it when I am ill either
sometimes it’s not worth explaining as it will start an argument and I will feel even worse"

"Full transparency this man has left me twice, suddenly without warning during our relationship. Both times were because his feelings for me had changed because I was struggling mentally.
The last time he changed his mind and we got back together he said he was worried he had ruined things forever and I would hold it against him, so I party assume that’s why he married me after that, to try to show me he wanted to move on. We don’t talk about those times"

"I have a big fear of becoming older and sicker and this being an issue and him leaving me."

"There is no point asking for the hug, it didn’t come naturally, it’s not authentic if I am asking, I’ve told him, it’s not new. When I repeat myself to reiterate this kind of thing he gets defensive as he says I am assuming he’s stupid or forgotten and I’m judging him
Hes like that if I remind him of anything because he doesn’t like it when I might point out an error"

"It’s not until I’ve typed this out that I have realised maybe I have been trained to be tolerant the last time he left me I was blindsided and vulnerable, after I took him back we bought a big expensive house and got married so I was swept up in the gestures. I feel trapped by those. I could have left him more easily had I not accepted those terms"

This is just a selection of the things you said which most struck me.

I have my children living in the house with us. They are technically old enough to leave and live independently, however this would be somewhat of a brutal push and I’ve gone to all the efforts of building us a nice home.

Right now I got home he’s in some kind of weird mood, won’t tell me what’s up just a lot of huffing and puffing. I’ve gone out for a walk and right now I would just drive off and send him half the bills from my wages each month and live in someone’s spare room but I do have my own children to factor in the housing situation

I’m not sure it’s a weird fetish as such is it, he just finds me extremely attractive and this is not a solid basis for ever lasting love and happiness. I’ve actively made myself far more attractive for his benefit, and this possibly led to other men finding me attractive as a by product. When I met my husband I looked nothing like what I look like now, it’s like looking at entire different person!