Starting a fourth thread when I hoped three would be enough

[PithyBeaker]

really hoped I wouldn’t need this but looks like I do

Everything you are feeling is normal. 💯
You are grieving the relationship and it will feel a bit like a bereavement.

Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross wrote about the five stages of grief (DABDA) which are:
denial,
anger,
bargaining,
depression,
and acceptance.

It's a process and it will be sad and hard but worth it.🫂
ETA, I hope you have a lovely weekend xx

@PithyBeaker

I think you may be reading too much into OP's posts. OP is allowing herself to be honest on this thread. She is sharing her most private thoughts and fears, not saying that her life is empty. It's difficult to show such raw honesty in real life because it makes us vulnerable and OP is feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment so this thread is a fairly safe avenue for her to express the thoughts whirling around her head.

OP this is a period of change for you. You are lucky really in that you have options and no pressure to make immediate decisions. It's a nice place to be in if you think about it. Your future is your own, you can't know that you will always make the right decisions, but that's the same for everyone. We've all fucked up at some times in our lives.

@PithyBeaker

Keep hearing X’s words said in bitterness: “all you care about is money and keeping your house nice so that’s all you’ll have, money and a big lonely empty house with no one who loves you”

Well, that says it all about him, doesn't it? He doesn't think you should care about financial security and a nice, tidy home. And why is that? Because he thinks your money should go towards paying for him and his DC, and that you should allow him and his DC to trash your house. Well between that and 'no one who loves you', I think I'd still choose financial security and a nice home!!

But you will always have someone to love you. Your son, your family, your friends. That's a whole lotta love right there! It's what I have and I assure you it's plenty enough to make a happy and fulfilled life! But if life's plan is that another man should enter your life, then that will happen when the time is right. It's just most probably not the right time right now. You have a new life to live right now and a new future to plan for. And that's quite enough to be going on with, don't you think?

It does take a bit of time to get re-used to 'living alone'. And he's canny enough to realize that and play off it by saying that about 'lonely empty house'. But it also shows how he disregarded your son and considered him a 'non-entity', someone to be disregarded. Because your house certainly isn't 'empty', is it? Even if DS is in his room, you still feel his presence in the house.

Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others. —Paramahansa Yogananda

That's your ex. He sure wanted that home he now denigrates for himself and his kids. It's now worthless because he can't benefit from it.

You downgraded your child's education to please him. He puts your home down because he can't provide a lovely home for his kids. Negging you makes him feel better because he can't provide a private education and a nice home for his kids. He's really done a number on your self esteem and that's a real issue. It's normal to want to have a lovely home to raise your family in. He wanted that, and used you to provide it and made you feel guilty for having it. You see now where you made mistakes and are letting that get you down. The mistakes are done. You've learned and you can regret those, but you need to look ahead.

If your son is really, really bright, a rural school isn't going to be able to challenge him enough to keep his interest and that can be especially problematic in the teen years. My husband and I moved when it became obvious that the school system we were in was going to be inadequate. You're single and haven't really put down roots in the area, so give serious thought over the next few months about moving to an area where he can access the kind of education that will challenge him and in an environment where he learns some life basics, like dealing with public transportation and a diversity of experiences. I think a move will unstick you, you're doing a lot of ruminating about your ex and that kind of looking back is part of keeping you stuck.

I know a lot of people are down on private education but my dad's wife went to an extremely famous private school that gave her access to opportunities she would not have had otherwise and she made sure her kid is went to exclusive private schools. It set them up in life in ways that public education just can't come close to matching.

Harsh. Everyone is allowed to question themselves, OP particularly. Pithy, keep on reflecting. There are folk on here who have really good advice

@PithyBeaker

saw @AcrossthePond55 super wise post

”Keep hearing X’s words said in bitterness: “all you care about is money and keeping your house nice so that’s all you’ll have, money and a big lonely empty house with no one who loves you”

all these inferior men who push their luck beyond what’s acceptable are the same.

my controlling ex said I’d be alone and sad if I left him. And tbh, it worked for a bit, but eventually the ex went so far over a boundary that I just had to act and end it.

im currently sitting in a massive house, next to my adoring H, living a life most can only dream of.

him? From what I hear, still same old same old scamming and alone and bitter.

@PithyBeaker you’re good people love, that’s absolutely clear from your posts. Good mum, good friend, good person. He tricked you, you called him on it and glory be, you followed through and chose the path that was in the best interests for your DS and for you. You wasted no time at all to put this right.

please know that none of this was your fault and you really need to feel better about the incredible way you have conducted yourself in all this.

time will pass and he will be a smudge on the rear view mirror.

I think this is good progress - you are in the reflective stage. Not doubting the break up but now reflecting on the decisions you made at that time. Did you do the things that were really right for you and your son? Are you actually right now living your best lives and if not can you change it up now you are free of this relationship? Thats really healthy and its progress I think.

Throw the guilt aside. You will drive yourself bonkers doubting your parental decisions - we all do. But I think having a deep think about how you want to live and where without the restriction of this relationship is a great idea. Dont just think about Ireland, London, but just start thinking outside the box. You and your boy can do whatever you want wherever you want. And (dont all shoot me) but whilst his needs matter, also remember that your life and happiness is paramount here. Where YOU are most happy is where he will be most happy. Happy mother happy son. He wont be with you forever, and you will have decades without living with him so you have an opportunity to restart your life now. If that reflective process leads you to stay exactly where you are doing exactly what you already are doing then fabulous! You will know you are doing it by choice not by circumstance. But be open to change. Change can be good - and thrilling!

I will caveat this with saying I think many parents totally overthink where and how their kids are educated. I honestly think it makes very little difference in the scheme of things.

All HE cared about was your money and your house and you keeping it tidy (ie his.skivvy). His words are such a reflection of him and not you.
My husband has said that to me, but it's him who is fixated on my money. Not me.

My childhood buddy is an incredible psychiatrist and the loveliest of women.
She told me decades ago about how the female mind will dismiss 20 genuine compliments, but will zoom in, and hold on to for dear life that one put down....on a fxxking loop.

Pithy, you are a decent, kind, overly forgiving, generous woman.

Please don't fall into the trap of allowing his nasty, self serving words to become the voice in your head.

That would be so so wrong.

There was a study of people who had had life-changing injuries and those who had received a life-changing amount of money. Around 18 months later in both groups, their level of happiness had returned to the level they were before the injury or money.

So happy people with life-changing injuries were happy, miserable people with lots of money were miserable.

You have achieved a great deal already. Essentially you have had two shocks - the initial shock of kicking him out and now the secondary shock of seeing his true persona.

This too shall pass.

Hi Pithy it’s quite revealing that you now have the headspace to worry about your DS. A few months ago your concern was all about the problems caused by the children of your XP. One actively disliked your DS, I recall. The children were running riot, trashing your home, while XP sat and gamed. You were overwhelmed by these issues.
Can you imagine the improvement you have brought about for this bright, studious DS, now these awful clashes are gone from his life? It’s fantastic for his wellbeing! You’ve got more time to focus on him, listen to him, put him first. And now you are fretting you’ve let him down! It’s the opposite. You’ve put him first.
My own view is - no more big decisions and give both of you time to settle into your new life together.
Youve done brilliantly! Enjoy your nice house! Enjoy your money! You have a DS who loves you too- how wonderful.
Your sad bitter XP can only envy what he’s missing out on. Threatening you with a loveless life- how utterly charming of him… ugh. I hope you soon feel strong enough to ignore his childish outbursts.

Ok @PithyBeaker relax
Thinking classics, your son can enjoy GCSEs (his secondary work will get harder honestly enjoy the fact it’s a breeze for him whilst he settles in) and you can look for a great 6th form that has classics, you don’t need classics GCSE- history and English literature are the subjects that will give him the skills for the a’level - it will be fine

and you can rephrase the “big empty house” into a house big enough for you, your son, your and his friends and family to enjoy. If your house is so cold and heartless why did ex insist that your relationship had to include it?

if you sail and hike and cycle you need a lot of storage for all that gear!

enjoy what remains of the mild, outdoor enjoyable weather, ask son to stick a new ding or two on Spotify at dinner so you can be introduced to the new music from the youth of the day

book a trip to Athens?
go and see Elgin marbles at British museum and have a long discussion of the political controversy around those bits of old marble!

you are not failing at all

use the drive to sing together or chat it has to be done might as well have a benefit to it

but really school will ramp up don’t wish it to happen sooner your son will be fine, thrive, he has the breathing space to express himself more now and you will need it - you will have a house full of teenagers of your son’s choosing before you know it, hope you have a “soda drinks in fridge” budget, oh and snacks, and pizzas and baked potatoes and and and……teenage boys once they get growing are bottomless pits in the food department, throw in sailing, hiking, cycling and you will have no time to be bored there will be another lasagne to make!

thank you all so much ❤️🙏 I am so grateful for the kind words and feeling better this week…. No rash decisions, I do like it here very much. DS happy in school and seems to be doing really well (if v v v tired!) lots of love and gratitude to you all for the support when I need it. ❤️🙏

So good to hear you’re feeling like this ❤️